How do I (49f) move forward after my daughter (22F) hid her father’s affair from me for two years?

A mother (49F) grapples with the pain of her daughter (22F) hiding her father’s affair for two years. Despite attempts to move on after divorcing her husband, unresolved betrayal and strained family dynamics continue to cloud their relationship. Read the full story below.

‘ How do I (49f) move forward after my daughter (22F) hid her father’s affair from me for two years?’

I (49F) was married to my ex-husband, Derek (49M), for 20 years before divorcing a few months ago. We have two kids, a daughter (22F) and a son (17M). I found out Derek was having a two-year affair, and my world was shattered.

But what hurt almost as much was discovering that my daughter had known about it the whole time. She actively hid it from me for *two years*—lied, covered for him, and never once tried to warn me.

When I found out, I was devastated, not just by my husband’s betrayal, but by my daughter’s choice to keep it from me. She was young at the time, and I understand it was a difficult position for her, but the pain was immense. I never confronted her directly, thinking it might affect her as she was about to go off to college.

I just told her I knew, that I understood, and tried to move on. But after she left, I found myself distancing myself from her more and more. It wasn’t planned; I just needed space to heal, and that meant not calling her as often or reaching out as much.

Fast-forward a year and a half, and I’ve started dating someone (41M) who has a 10-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. Recently, we all went to Disney together, and he posted a family photo of us on social media.

For Context, my boyfriend covered all the expenses as a gift for his daughter’s birthday, wanting to make it special for her. Along with my son and me, she chose her two cousins to come along, making it a big family-style trip that was all about her.

My daughter must have seen it because she didn’t call me for over a month afterward, and honestly, I wasn’t as affected by her absence as I would’ve been before. I still love her, but every interaction brings up that pain.

Out of nowhere, she called me in tears. She was screaming, saying I obviously hadn’t forgiven her and that I’d shut her out on purpose. She accused me of “replacing her” with my boyfriend and his daughter. She kept saying, “It was a long time ago, I was a kid, I didn’t mean to hurt you!”

She said she thought she was doing the right thing by staying quiet, that she didn’t know how to tell me, and that she was terrified of breaking our family apart. She asked me if I’d ever forgive her or if I’d “moved on” for good.

I tried to tell her that I loved her and never wanted to replace her, but she just kept pushing that I should “get over it by now” and that I’d abandoned her for this new life. To top it off, my ex-husband later called me, furious, accusing me of “leaving” my daughter for a “younger man and a new family.”

He even had the nerve to call me selfish for “moving on.” (Ironically, his girlfriend is 30, and he’s the one who blew up our family with his affair.) It’s like no one understands that I’m still trying to recover from years of betrayal, and it feels like I’m expected to just let it go, as if my pain doesn’t matter.

My son, who lives with me, found out about his sister hiding the affair after overhearing my husband’s mom and sister talking. He was crushed and hasn’t forgiven her either, and they’ve barely spoken since.

I never wanted him to know, but it feels like the entire family is divided now, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m in therapy, but I still feel lost. Part of me knows she was young and didn’t know how to handle it, but another part of me feels like she chose him over me.

I love my daughter, but every time we talk, that hurt resurfaces. I don’t know if I’m failing as a mother or if I’m protecting myself. I feel like I’ve emotionally checked out, and I don’t know how to reconnect.

 

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

aLunaticIsOnTheGrass −  You should def cut all contact with your ex unless it’s about your minor child. Keep all communication via text so you don’t have to hear his bs.That he thinks he can call and berate you is unbelievable, next time don’t pick up or just hung up.

Maybe you and your daughter could get therapy together to try and sort things out. I understand she was a kid trying to keep the family together but your feelings are totally valid. I can’t imagine how hurtful it must’ve been knowing she hid it for so long.

FIRE_flying −  This is beyond the pay grade of reddit. Continue therapy, and maybe joint therapy with your children, as it seems both your son and daughter are still affected significantly by the situation. There is no easy way out of this.

Dirty_little_secret7 −  The person who needs to take responsibility here is your cheating ex husband. What is her relationship like with him? Yes she was young. Technically an adult but still naive to how s**tty the world can be especially when the s**tty behavior comes from your own father.

But she also needs to understand that your feelings matter and that this kind of hurt may take time to heal. I’m so sorry you’re in the position. Stick with the therapy. Hopefully it will help.

Food_kdrama −  The issue with your daughter cannot be solved with the help of reddit. It’s very complicated. It might be that she feels guilty and is not able to forgive herself and is projecting on you. Get into family councilling together, that might help

rosebud-2911 −  Did your daughter ever apologize for what she did? Your ex can go kick rocks. I hope you blocked him after telling him to take a long walk off a short pier and taking a long look in the mirror. He had your daughter complicit in his affair and blew up his marriage.

Unfortunately, your daughter has learned not to take accountability from her dad. If you need to be in contact with your ex due to your son, use a family app. Outside of that, don’t speak or engage with him. He is an AH.
OP, I wish you all the best with your healing and happiness.

tigerlily_valley −  Your feelings are valid, but parent to parent here I think you’ve mishandled the situation. Of course your daughter is confused and upset with you.

You, by your own admission, were ✨never honest with her✨ about your feelings – you didn’t confront her, you ✨lied✨ and ✨told her you understood✨ (when, ironically enough, you’re literally upset with her for lying).

Then, you slowly iced her out? Of course she’s upset, confused, and feeling replaced. You acted – to her face – one way, and then behaved in another. Then, you try to have the discussion about it when she’s angry with you, probably because she could tell you were treating her differently, and not saying what you were feeling.

Do you think she’s stupid, and can’t pick up on these things? Don’t you think it’s a little telling that you also say one thing, and behave another? When it comes to my children, I get curious before I get furious. Clearly your ex is a m**ipulative, lying j**k.

He was able to manipulate you for how long, and yet you’re upset that she also fell for his same nonsense? Why do you expect her to have magically done the right thing in the face of his machinations, despite being a literal child? Strange, how much perfection women expect from each other.

You move forward by being genuinely honest and vulnerable with her, whether that’s in a therapy setting or not. She’ll probably be upset with you still. She probably won’t get it. It’ll probably be a few years before she has the life experiences that allow her to empathize with yours, and give you the apologies that you want from her.

She’s young. She’s probably struggling from a lot of guilt and anger towards herself as well. I’m sure she ALSO needs therapy to handle everything that happened. However, you’re an adult, and that’s your daughter, so you put on a brave face and try. What if something happens to her, and she left this earth, and this was the note you left on?

Would you forgive yourself for distancing yourself like this, for missing out on her life because she fell for the same m**ipulative adult you did – and one that she’s wired to love in a way that you aren’t, seeing as she’s his child too? What if something happens to her at college and she needs you, but feels like you won’t be there for her?

Outside-Theory-3574 −  I have to disagree with some of the responses. She was about 17. She was in a lose-lose situation. If she told you she was going to lose her dad. If she didn’t tell you, she was potentially going to lose you. This is a lot to put on a child who had nothing to do with the choice to cheat.

This is her father’s fault. She probably didn’t know what to do. And not doing anything kept the family together. I don’t think she intended to betray you. Now you are taking your hurt over the situation out on her. I’m not saying this is your fault at all, but I think you should forgive her.

Kemintiri −  Omg, I’m so sorry. Your ex husband is a monster. He made a child an accomplice in his affair. Does she realize that and feel any anger towards him? Does she blame her father for losing her brother?

MadPanda2023 −  Therapy is the best thing you can do right now. A family therapist would be great. Also, cut off contact with your ex. You can use special apps for communication while co-parenting.

SusieC0161 −  This is ALL your ex’s fault. Your poor daughter being put in this position. My guess is that she’s been feeling very sensitive about this, understands she did wrong by you but was put in this position by her own father, and has noticed your shift in attitude. She took your Disney post as a direct attack.

Maybe her father put the idea in her head. I think you and her need to meet up and discuss this in more depth. If you want to keep her in your life, which it sounds like you do, you need to find a way of putting this behind her. And block the ex. How dare he insert himself in you relationship; he’s the one that ruined it.

Rebuilding trust in families after betrayal can be a long, painful journey. This mother’s story highlights the challenges of balancing personal healing with the desire to reconnect. Can time and open communication mend the hurt caused by past choices? How would you approach such a delicate situation? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/phCoz