How do I (38m) approach fiance (28f) about how emotional priming of future gestures, takes away from the positive impact of them?

A Redditor (38m) is struggling with how to address an ongoing issue with his fiancée (28f), where her negative assumptions about his thoughtful gestures undermine their impact. Despite his efforts to show love and appreciation through actions like writing love notes or planning meaningful surprises, her doubts and commentary often make him feel unappreciated and discouraged.

Past conversations about the issue have led to arguments, leaving him unsure of how to approach the topic constructively. To read more about this dilemma and how others might handle it, check out the original story below.

‘ How do I (38m) approach fiance (28f) about how emotional priming of future gestures, takes away from the positive impact of them?’

I feel frustrated because it seems like my finance’s negative assumptions about my intentions or follow-through on thoughtful gestures end up undermining the meaning behind those actions. Is there a word to describe that? I feel like Germans would have a word for it….

For example, I started writing her love notes to show my appreciation, but when I missed one day, she told me she knew I wouldn’t keep it up and that if I really wanted to, I would have. That hurt, because I do want to continue doing it, but now if I do, it feels like she’ll think I’m only doing it out of obligation because she nagged me, and if I don’t, it looks like she was right.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. When I was planning to propose, I was excited and wanted it to be a meaningful and memorable moment for us, but she kept saying I’d never do it or that I didn’t care marrying her.

Meanwhile I was planning her mom to fly into to town because she wanted her mother there, and I had already spoken to her father about my plans. By the time I actually proposed, I felt like the joy had been drained out of it because her doubts and commentary had already overshadowed the moment.

I did already speak to her about it, trying to emphasize that her doubts or negativity, even if unintentional, diminish the value of the gestures I make, but this led to an argument and frankly I wish I never brought it up. Im not sure how to approach the topic because we both seem to get defensive and end up arguing over it. Ironically, out of things that are supposed to be special like gifts and loving gestures.

I feel stuck in a “no-win” situation. If I do something thoughtful, it feels like it doesn’t count, and if I don’t, it confirms her negative assumptions. This pattern makes me feel unappreciated and like my efforts aren’t seen for what they are.

I want to talk to her about how this affects me and how we can both work on building trust and appreciation for each other’s gestures. I love her and want to make her happy, but this dynamic is hurting both of us.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

BrokenPaw −  There’s a technique called Non-Violent Communication, that can help address situations like this one (there’s a book about it, by the same title, which I have a number of issues with, but the technique itself is sound enough in certain situations that it can be helpful).

The premise of NVC is to make communications non-accusatory, so that the other person won’t automatically feel put on the defensive. It accomplishes that by using statements about what happened, and statements about what “I” feel about those things.

So, for instance, an NVC way to start the conversation about the love-notes thing might be, “[Partner], when I missed a day of writing you a love note, and you told me that you knew I wouldn’t keep it up, I felt [however it is you felt about it]. I need to feel [however it is you wish to feel in situations like that] and for that to happen, I would like it if you [did whatever it is that you would like her to do].”. That accomplishes four things:

1. It lets her know about a very specific and concrete situation or circumstance that you are referring to, without defensiveness-inducing hyperbole like “you always do this” or “you never do that”,

2. It lets her know how *you* felt about the situation, which is not something that she can argue with, because your feelings are your own,

3. It lets her know what you need going forward, and

4. It lets her know *specifically* what she can do, if she chooses, to meet that need.

Whether or not approaching the situation this way will help…that’s a whole other question. Because NVC can and does work…but only when both people involved in the conversation are acting in good faith and *want* to reach a resolution that works for both of them. If one or both of the people is acting in *bad* faith, or doesn’t *want* a resolution that works for both people…then NVC can’t save things.

incognitothrowaway1A −  She’s only a fiancé NOT a wife – correct? Her statements to you sound MEAN – mean spirited.. Is she mean in other ways?? It makes no sense that someone who supposedly loves you would intentionally try to hurt your feelings…. Does she want to break up with you?

Consonant_Gardener −  I call these kind of comments “punishing the behaviour you want to see” The classic example I think of, it the moody teenage coming down from their bedroom to sit with the family in the living room to watch a tv show and their parent acknowledges the behaviour by saying ‘look who finally decided to join us’.

They have now called attention to the behaviour (joining the family for a movie) and framed it negatively to the person doing the behaviour – and those around them – often as a form of dominance (they think they ‘won’ by getting the teen to join) but is actuality they have now made the teen less likely to join the family in future as you have just humiliated them.

What they should do, is go, ‘hey son! You’re just in time – the show is starting grab a seat and I’ll get you some popcorn!’ The parent is acknowledging the teen and being welcoming and indicating enthusiasm for the teen joining them. Teen is now acknowledged for joining positively and is more likely to join in future. Your gf is doing the first thing, the negative thing.

Fragrant_Spray −  It sounds like your gf feels entitled to whatever efforts you put in, rather than appreciating them. It may also be that she believes doing this makes it more likely for you to follow through.

There’s not really enough info about your relationship to know if she’s simply ungrateful, m**ipulative, or if you have a history of not following through on things you start or promise, causing her to be skeptical. Also, what effort does she put in to doing things for you? Do you feel like you’re both putting in the necessary effort?

Electrical_Turn7 −  I can’t speak for your fiancée, but I have been in that same emotional space as she seems to be in with a partner. It suggests a degree of resentment on her part. How long have you been together? Does she make any direct complaints to you? If so, how do you usually respond?

Blyndde −  Is she overly critical in other parts of your relationship, if this is your only big issue, and you can afford it, I would genuinely suggest couples counseling. It’s hard to have a meaningful conversation when both people are defensive. If this is one of many issues, or if you feel like she is negative about other aspects of your relationship, I’d look at the relationship as a whole. If you are never feeling like you are good enough, that’s going to create issues.

woolencadaver −  Hmmm. Have you let her down a lot? Does she say you are inconsistent, was she waiting a long time for the proposal?

Pug_Defender −  without further context, it sounds like you’ve let her down on things you said you’d do in the past. but going forward, I’d probably not tell her about a grand gesture you’re planning and just surprise her

ShelfLifeInc −  What does *she* do to show her appreciation of you and make you feel loved and secure in the relationship? Her negativity will poison the relationship; in fact, it already has. I think you guys need couples counselling. Do not set a date for the wedding until the issue is resolved. Whether she means to hurt you or not, I would be incredibly hesitant to commit to a lifetime of this. 

no-pun-in-ten-did −  If you are partnered with someone 10 years younger than you then you can’t be surprised when they don’t match your maturity.

Do you think the Redditor’s concerns about emotional priming and its impact on gestures are valid, or is there a better way to approach this dynamic? How would you handle a situation where loving efforts are met with skepticism or doubt? Share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments below!