How do I (33/f) stop resenting my husband (33/m)?

A Reddit user (33F) shares her struggles with resentment towards her husband (33M) after years of supporting him through medical school, residency, and his career, only to feel unsupported when it comes to her own professional aspirations.

Despite making numerous sacrifices for him, including moving to a city she disliked, giving up her own career dreams, and dealing with personal loss while he was unavailable, her husband recently dismissed her career as unimportant and insisted she stay home to raise their future children. The user is struggling with growing resentment and is seeking advice on how to manage her feelings and save her marriage. Read the full story below.

‘ How do I (33/f) stop resenting my husband (33/m)?’

My husband and I have been together 15 years and married for 11. He’s a physician in the US which, as most everyone knows, comes with a hefty price tag. We got married right out of undergrad and the summer before he started medical school.

I had to change which masters program i was going to last minute but i was able to get in and get a job and was able to support the both of us with this job (that I loved) while he finished med school. When he graduated, he got a residency in another state (and barely even consulted me about it before he applied and interviewed and decided.

I put it behind me and packed up and moved with him and was luckily able to find another job that was better salary wise but I hated and was able to fully support us both while he was able to put all of the money he made in residency towards his student loans. After he finished, I was able to get a different job thats better than I ever could’ve dreamed of and got a major promotion near the end of 2018.

Since January 2019 my husband has been pushing for us to start trying for a baby. He also doesnt want strangers “raising” his children so he doesn’t want to put them in daycare or have a nanny when we have them. We also don’t have any family close by nor do we have any friends that would be able to take on that responsibility. He also doesn’t want to quit his job or go down to part time in his job to take care of said kids, but he expects me to be a stay at home mom.

I’m not ready for a baby right now. I’m not ready to sideline my career and leave my dream job that I have worked my ass off for. I told him as much which resulted in a fight where he told me that I should leave my job because his is more important than mine since he “saves lives everyday” and I don’t and ultimately most people could do my job with a “little bit of common sense” whereas his is way more than just sitting at a desk all day (which I don’t even do).

When the subject of kids came up years ago, he said no because he wasn’t ready and wanted to finish his education. Despite what I wanted, I accepted it and moved on because I understood where he was coming from and respected his feelings. When I brought this up he said I was throwing it in his face and making him feel guilty for wanting to pursue his dreams.

I had to walk away because I was so furious and hurt by what he said. And since that fight, I’ve been thinking about it over and over and have found myself thinking things i probably shouldn’t and wanting to bring up how my unimportant career supported his ass while he accomplished his dreams but he didn’t complain about how unimportant it was then.

I supported him mentally, emotionally, and physically too and if he was up at home studying I was up helping him study, I made sure his clothes were clean and that he ate and slept and was comfortable when he came home after he had a long day despite me also having a long day. I dealt with my father passing away on my own because he was unavailable due to his training.

I gave up my dream program, my original dream job, the place I loved and wanted to live forever and my desire to have kids so that he could accomplish his goals. I was depressed and miserable for years at a job I didn’t like, in a city that I hated because it meant he was able get what he wanted in life.

I know you’re not supposed to do things with the intention of being paid back or “keeping score” but I did all of those things because I love my husband and expected that, at the VERY LEAST, he would respect me and my career and be understanding and supportive of my wants and needs like I have been with him since the moment we got married.

It just seems like I’m the only one sacrificing and being selfless in our marriage. And not only that but my job is important. I may not be an MD or “saving lives” in the moment but I am making a significant difference and change in the lives of my patients and helping improve their quality of life and leading them to be healthier overall

and work alongside several physicians who have recognized the positive impact I’ve had on the lives of many people yet the one who matters most to me doesn’t recognize or believe this and it hurts like hell honestly. I’m mad and hurt right now but I know that if the resentment fully sets in it’ll be the worst case scenario. How do I stop this from happening and how do I stop feeling this way towards my husband?

Tl;Dr: Husband is being a j**k about my career and I feel myself starting to resent him and don’t want these feelings to get any worse towards him. How can I stop having these thoughts about him and our marriage?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Janey_Cakes −  I’m not sure that you *should* stop having these thoughts about him or your marriage, because you’re absolutely justified in feeling this way. He’s marginalized your career – the same career that was good enough to support him through med school – and expects you to give it up to raise your children… you know, the ones he’s too busy and important to raise himself.

Have you considered marriage counseling? Does he know how you feel, and why you feel you’ve accommodated his dreams all this time only for yours to be brushed off like this? Does he understand that he’s basically saying that what he wants is more important than what you want is?

[Reddit User] −  I would double up on birth control because you guys have way too many issues to sort out in therapy before you ever get pregnant. You can’t stop resenting him until he sees you as an equal partner and since he’s a super important Dr. that’s not going to happen easily apparently.

rowanstar −  This sounds almost exactly like a guy I grew up with, so I’m going to give you the advice I wish I could tell his wife: you also get a say in your life together, and a partner who honestly believes they are more valuable than their partner is not someone to spend your life with.

I’m not saying you have to abandon ship now, but I am saying that now is absolutely the time to have a conversation about goals and your life together. You are not a terrible person for feeling that you shouldn’t have to set aside everything you want.

I can tell you as someone who did discuss and then moved twice with a partner and did want to stay home while our child is little that it is still hard, even with a husband encouraging me to go back to work or do what will make me happy. Definitely hold off on kids until you’re both in agreement. Ask him to see your perspective. Your feelings are valid.

Mabelisms −  He doesn’t see you as an equal partner. He sees you as an accessory to him, as a planet in the orbit of him which is there to bask in his glory. He does not support you emotionally, he does not see you as a fully accomplished human being. You guys need counselling, and I don’t know if there is any hope even then.

accountno_infinity −  Hi OP! Other commenters have touched on the worst of the situation here. I just want to make sure you know that everything you’re feeling is so, so, so valid. It really sounds like your husband will not compromise. Do *not* quit your career for him right now. Your husband has, so far, gotten everything to go his way because you’ve allowed it to.

Tell him everything you said here. How your “unimportant” career carried him through everything he ever wanted in his adult life, and that career wasn’t just a placeholder for you. You have made sacrifice after sacrifice and left everyone you care about behind, just for him. You emotionally, physically, and financially supported him because you love him.

Tell him what you’re thinking – that marriage isn’t tit for tat, you didn’t make those sacrifices only to cash in on them later… but that you have compromised on every major thing you have wanted in this marriage, and goddamnit, he needs to be open to compromise, too.

Now is your time to be selfish. You *get* to be selfish. Your life’s work is significant. If he wants a kid so badly right now, he can research some good childcare options, because that’s your line in the sand. Draw the line. Put yourself first. Because it sounds like you haven’t in a long time.

If he isn’t interested in compromise, then do think hard about what the future holds. Allow yourself the chance to feel your feelings. You only get one opportunity to live your life, don’t throw all your desires away on someone else’s behalf.

SayWhut247 −  So he doesn’t want to cut back on work… He doesn’t want to help with child care… He doesn’t want you to get help with your future kid.. He wants you to quit your job… He wants you to sacrifice your joy for him (again)… AND he demeans your contribution to your advancement as a family unit.. But he wants kids.

Why does he want them if he doesn’t want to do anything to be actively part of their lives? Seems he isn’t happy unless you are unhappy. This looks more like a way to lock you down so he can continue what he enjoys while sucking any independence from you.

Don’t try to block out your thoughts but think about them fully. Consider things in the long run. Insist kids are off the table unless he goes to counseling for his God complex and you both go for your relationship. Preferably one you researched and selected. Last thing you need is some Dr. Friend of his making you doubt yourself and manipulating you for your SO’s benefit.

[Reddit User] −  I’m the daughter (21F) of a physician, and my parents relationship sounds exactly like what you’re describing. Got married out of undergrad and mom worked at a bank until dad finished residency. She moved all over the country for him- away from her family where she wanted to be.

They’re still married but haven’t been happy for extended lengths of time for as long as I can remember- they’ve started trying recently. It’s definitely the “physician” mindset in my dad that makes him feel entitled and above the rest. It’s HARD to have a dad and husband like that.. very hard.

Demeaning to my mom and incredibly hard on my siblings and I. I can’t put words in my moms mouth, but I can’t imagine she would go back and do it all over again. This may not relate to your situation at all and I’m not trying to make you think this is how things are going to end up but it just resonated with me as soon as I read it.. my parents..

Jeremytf −  He has a selfish, sexist outlook. This would have been a good discussion to have before getting married, but hindsight is 20/20… The whole “strangers raising our kids” response is close minded and old fashioned, in my opinion. If you’re not ready yet, then he has to wait. And he may need to accept that you won’t give up your career. If he cant handle that, then he may not be the best partner for you .

sujihime −  My goodness, your husband sounds like an entitled so and so. Sorry if that’s too honest. Don’t have kids before you are ready! But I want to address the “don’t want strangers raising my child.” If you have a nanny, they are NOT a stranger and quickly become a beloved part of the family as they help you take care of your child.

I have a 3 year old and she had a nanny from 9 – 20 months. The nanny was amazing and really felt like a part of the family, not a stranger at all. At just shy of two, we realized that my daughter needed more mental stimulation than my husband (who was the stay at home parent) could give her and we enrolled her into a Montessori day care.

She is thriving! She loves her school, learning, and seeing her friends and teachers. She’s incredibly social and if we have a long stretch of days off, I can see where she gets antsy to go back to school (she’s 3 now). I have friends with a kid who is less social and that kid also thrives in daycare despite not needing as much social stimulation as my daughter does.

Point is…”don’t want a stranger raising my child” is a s**tty thing to say, especially when he’s not willing to give the time to be a part of raising the child. Maybe that’s a controversial thing to say, but frankly, if you can find a nice school, I think putting a kid in a daycare/school is good for their development… Again, your husband sounds like a real piece of work…

SDFrankie999 −  You’re just a bit of decoration in the shrine he’s constructing for himself. Cut your losses.

It’s incredibly difficult to feel unappreciated after years of sacrifice. Have you ever been in a relationship where your contributions felt overlooked? How did you navigate those emotions while trying to maintain the relationship? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.