How do I (31f) tell my close friend (35f) that her “adult only” parties are offending people?

There’s nothing quite like the anticipation of a grown-up evening—where lively conversations, laughter, and the clink of glasses set the tone for a memorable night out. Imagine expecting an adult-only dinner party, only to find that the host has arranged an entire evening centered around her children.

What begins as a seemingly thoughtful gesture quickly turns awkward when guests realize they’re expected to double as babysitters. The disparity between the advertised “adult-only” vibe and the reality of interactive kids’ games can leave everyone feeling confused and unappreciated.

This isn’t a one-off mishap. It’s happened twice now, and the discomfort has grown into a genuine concern among the guests. Many have found themselves reluctantly paying for babysitters or feeling forced to participate in children’s activities—rather than enjoying an evening of adult conversation. So, how do you address this recurring issue with your friend without hurting her feelings or implying you don’t like her kids? Let’s break it down.

‘ How do I (31f) tell my close friend (35f) that her “adult only” parties are offending people? ‘

Navigating social events where expectations aren’t met can be challenging. In this case, the issue stems from a clear misalignment between what was promised—an adult-only evening—and what was delivered. Social events are all about setting expectations, and when a host’s actions contradict the invitation, it creates a ripple effect of discomfort. Experts suggest that in such cases, addressing the issue with clear communication is vital.

As relationship expert Dr. Judith Orloff puts it, “Boundaries and expectations are essential for maintaining the integrity of any gathering; when these are blurred, even well-intentioned gestures can lead to frustration.”

Moreover, the discomfort isn’t merely about the presence of children—it’s about the assumption that guests are willing to play a dual role as entertainers for someone else’s kids. This unspoken expectation can feel patronizing, as it shifts the focus from meaningful adult conversation to an impromptu family-style event.

The core issue lies in the lack of clarity. It’s important for hosts to be upfront about the nature of their gatherings. When invitations are ambiguous, guests might end up with unpleasant surprises and an evening that isn’t what they signed up for.

Another layer to consider is the social contract among friends. When one person consistently disrupts the agreed-upon atmosphere, it can erode trust and lead to future avoidance of similar events. Attendees might feel that their time and money are being disrespected—especially when additional expenses, like babysitter fees, come into play.

Constructively addressing the situation is key. Instead of letting frustration simmer, it’s better to have a candid, empathetic conversation that clarifies expectations for future events. The goal is to preserve the friendship while ensuring everyone’s needs are met.

Lastly, managing expectations in social settings is not just about what happens on the day—it’s about the message it sends over time. When guests repeatedly experience a mismatch between the invitation and the event itself, it creates a pattern of disappointment. A respectful conversation, perhaps facilitated by a mutual friend or directly by the affected guests, can help reset these expectations.

Establishing that an “adult-only” gathering truly means no impromptu children’s games will allow both the host and the guests to enjoy the intended atmosphere. Clear communication and mutual respect are essential to prevent future misunderstandings and to maintain a healthy social dynamic.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

The Reddit community had plenty to say about this recurring dilemma. Many users were quick to label the behavior as “absolutely not normal,” arguing that hosting an event labeled for adults only—yet centering the evening around kids—is essentially turning it into a group babysitting gig. Some suggested a direct yet polite approach, such as, “I thought this was meant to be an adult-only event—could we adjust that for next time?”

Others recommended simply declining future invitations if the situation continues. The consensus was clear: honest communication is necessary, and it’s perfectly acceptable to express that while the gesture might have been well-intended, it undermines the adult social experience promised in the invitation.

In the end, this isn’t just about the inconvenience of unexpected children at an “adult-only” party—it’s about honoring the expectations of every guest and maintaining clear, respectful boundaries. If you’ve encountered similar issues in your social circle, how did you address them?

Would you opt for a straightforward conversation, or might you choose to politely decline future invitations? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. Let’s discuss how to navigate these tricky social dynamics while preserving friendships and ensuring everyone enjoys the gatherings they signed up for.