How do I (30F) handle my insecurities about my husband (30M) messaging his ex?

A Reddit user shares her concerns about her husband’s ongoing communication with an ex, despite past discussions about boundaries and fidelity.

With a baby on the way, she’s grappling with her insecurities, her husband’s differing views on emotional cheating, and how to approach the situation without further straining their relationship. Read her story below.

‘ How do I (30F) handle my insecurities about my husband (30M) messaging his ex? ‘

My husband and I have been together for five years and are expecting our first child. A few months ago, I noticed he was exchanging messages with an ex. When we first started dating, I asked him to stop contacting her because there seemed to be unresolved feelings, and it made me uncomfortable.

He assured me he would remove her from his social media, and I thought that was the end of it. Fast forward to now: I recently saw him DMing her again. I don’t know what the messages were about, but I did notice he has her notifications silenced, which made me feel uneasy.

I’ve expressed general feelings of insecurity in our relationship, but I haven’t brought her up specifically (this would be the third time). Every time I try to discuss boundaries or behaviors I think are inappropriate in a relationship, he insists he isn’t doing anything wrong.

To complicate things, he doesn’t believe emotional cheating is real, which is a significant difference in how we view trust and fidelity. I’ve told him before that I see emotional cheating as equally—if not more—harmful than physical cheating.

I believe my husband loves me—he frequently reassures me, compliments me, and seems open in other areas of communication. But my gut tells me he never truly cut off contact with his ex and has just been hiding it.

I also feel conflicted about his explanation that my insecurities are just due to pregnancy hormones. I’m stuck: Should I bring her up directly again, even though I’m afraid of the fallout? Or should I keep addressing this in general terms and hope he takes my feelings seriously?

I’m worried that even if the messages are harmless, bringing her up could cause tension that damages our relationship further. How can I navigate this situation in a way that prioritizes both honesty and the health of our relationship?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

TrumpetsGalore4 −  he doesn’t believe emotional cheating is real. Of course he doesn’t; that would require him to admit that he has been emotionally cheating on you.

Feisty_Bad621 −  Tell him straight up to show you the messages if it’s not a big deal, look at his reaction and if he is off, make him understand that just because you all are expecting a child and have been together for 5 years doesn’t mean that he can do whatever he wants.

Relationships are a lifetime commitment and I am pretty sure that if roles were reversed he would be pissed but he is blinded by his selfishness and ego rn

gingerlorax −  Probably a bad idea to marry someone who doesn’t ‘believe’ in emotional cheating. You asked him not to speak to his ex and he is doing that and hiding it from you… emotionally cheating on you. Yikes.

Summer_is_coming_1 −  It’s his job to make you feel secured in the relationship. He’s not doing that and your feelings are valid . Ya talk to him again and ask him if he would be okay if you start talking to your ex or crush or whatever.

Corduroytigershark −  You set boundaries and he is continually stepping over them. It isn’t entirely a matter of your insecurities at that point. You have to decide if you are really okay with him staying in contact with her.

Fragrant_Spray −  Help me understand this, because I’m clearly confused. You talked to your husband about this long ago. He agreed not to do it. Then he did it behind your back. Now he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking YOU are the one in the wrong here? He said he wouldn’t do this, and then he did, and hid it. That is clearly wrong by any definition.

anjufordinner −  You handle your insecurities by securing yourself. He isn’t *securing you.*  But you can do what you can to feel more secure in ways that de-center your relationship, which can also contribute to healthier long-term decision-making for yourself and your child.

And no, that doesn’t mean sticking your head in the sand about his failures– and messaging your ex when your wife is pregnant IS a failure. It is weird and not beneficial, let’s be very clear about that. Everyone agrees.

Securing yourself includes two things: financial/material and emotional/interpersonal security. **Emotional/Interpersonal security**, when this is the father of your child, might not take the form of leaving or a big fight like Reddit is used to.

It might look more like gentle parenting a grown man until you’re reassured that you’ve done all you can and can walk away peacefully. And hey. Whatever keeps you safe and healthy, right? So… He won’t acknowledge that it’s emotional cheating. NBD.

(He won’t want to, because that’s acknowledging wrongdoing and he would have to change something, and weak men don’t change their behaviors.) But reframe your thinking and treat him like he isn’t as fragile as he’s acting.

You express yourself very well here– speak plainly and tell the truth without wavering, and he WILL have to acknowledge some of the following:. 1. You do not like it; 2. You think it’s an unattractive look on men in general and your husband in particular, and;

3. You respect him a little less every time he does it. (Come now… Let’s be real, we all do.) Frame it as bringing a choice for him to solve. If he’s such a “leader,” he needs to be fully informed, right? Not “blindsided”? So here you go.

If he continues going forward, he is choosing outcomes 1, 2, and 3, and you can be sad to lose respect for and attraction to him, but secure in your knowledge that you illuminated the right way forward and deserve better.

Socially, secure yourself too. How are you with seeing your friends and support networks? Anyone you can start spending more time with who can lift you up? Any opportunities at work or the community you can take to show off or explore something you’ve always been interested in?

**Financial** might be trickier. Do you have access to legal benefits through work or maybe even a financial seminar at your local library where you could ask about resources? I’m no professional, but solutions that could help or secure you might range from a post-nup agreement to a secret account that could act as a “go-bag” of sorts, perhaps?

All I know is that this behavior (the ex AND the disrespect of your boundaries) indicates a weakness of character that often causes big problems down the line. The bottom line there is this– if something bad should happen, you should be prepared…

And like I said, the security you feel in being prepared and safe from his behavior can contribute to healthier decision-making on your part, which is always a win even if/🤞🏼when🤞🏼 he starts acting right.

krajile −  Listen carefully. I’m in the midst of getting a divorce because my husband had an alleged “platonic” relationship with an ex-girlfriend where I eventually discovered it was way beyond appropriate for a married man. There were messages that were s**ual in nature, jokes at my expense.

He would call and message her and delete the activity from his phone so I wouldn’t know. Of course once everything unravelled he was promising he’d never talk to her again, etc. but even then he reached out to her in secrecy.

You need to be firm on your boundaries and you need to be clear with him on the consequences. If he’s willing to take that risk then you must be willing to follow through.. PS It’s not your insecurities!

Life-Bullfrog-6344 −  You can only control you. You husband is messaging his ex and doesn’t believe there’s emotional cheating. What’s he doing to protect your marriage? You have 2 options: pursue marriage counseling to discuss appropriate boundaries to make himself a safe partner for you.

Maybe help map out a future vision for both of you long term. Or. Pursue individual counseling to build up your backbone and prepare for life as a single parent. Accept him as he is and know that you’ll never be a priority in his life. I’m so sorry but you really need to think about your life, your child’s life and think long and hard about your future

Dashi90 −  He won’t stop. I know Reddit says this a lot, but honeslty, abort (if you’re able and want to) and break up with him. Do not choose this shitbag to be a father to your children. Or if you want to keep the kid, develop a coparenting and child support routine.

This user faces a common but challenging dilemma in relationships: balancing trust with personal boundaries. How should she address her feelings in a way that fosters understanding and resolution? Have you ever faced a similar issue? Share your advice below!