How do I (28f) break up with someone when I’m their (31m) everything?

A Reddit user shared her difficult decision to end a 10-year relationship with her boyfriend, who has been struggling with mental illness, job instability, and personal growth. Despite her own achievements and desire to move forward, she feels torn about breaking up with someone who sees her as his everything. Read the full story below to see how she plans to navigate this emotionally challenging situation.

‘ How do I (28f) break up with someone when I’m their (31m) everything?’

We’ve been together for 10 years. Through it all, I’ve finished my degree, found a good job, became financially stable, and he… Came along for the ride.

He has suffered pitfalls through the years that have definitely hindered his development (mental illness, family issues, job instability, etc.) but I’ve reached a point where I want to move on in life, and he isn’t in a place where he can progress with me. I’ve waited 10 years for him to get his s**t together, finish a degree or trade program and just become an adult with me, but in so many ways he is still the 21 year old I met years ago. I’m tired.

I know I want to end things, need to, but he still loves me deeply, and he’s told me before that I’m the only good thing in his life. How do I split our lives when he still considers me his world? Tldr: Longterm boyfriend still in love and codependent, how do I end things without completely devastating him?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

helendestroy −  he’s told me before that I’m the only good thing in his life. Because he’s not trying to create other good things in his life.

[Reddit User] −  I married a guy like this. I was with him 8 years, pissed away my 20s with him. I’m 34 now. We are now divorced 2 years and i have to say, i am so much happier. And lighter, i lost 80 lbs plus his dead weight. He had depression and anger issues. He was unstable a lot of the time and also has moments where i thought he’d kill himself.

Honestly, you are not his everything, and he is manipulating you into thinking that so its harder to leave. If you were his everything, he would have stepped up and grown with you, in order to keep you HAPPY, not just keep you. Make a plan on how to leave, get your finances and housing in order then just rip off the band aid. Life is too short to live it for someone else’s feelings.

bistro223 −  I was in the same exact predicament. I was married for 13 years, together for 17. I worried about what she would do, like harm herself because of mental health issues. Eventually though, you cannot live your life trying to make someone else happy, or stay with someone because you feel sorry for them. Unfortunately, there is no easy way to do this, and it’s going to be extremely difficult for a long while. You just have to rip off the band-aid and do what your heart tells you to do. He will live, and you both will move on to the next chapter in your lives.

summerholiday −  how do I end things without completely devastating him? What do you mean by ‘completely devastating’? If you mean, he’s going to be sad, be emotionally wrecked, cry a lot, etc? Yeah, that happens with most unwanted breakups. That’s just life.

If you mean ‘ruining his life’. Yeah, no. He has been coasting partially because he’s had you to fall back on. When you break up with him, it will cause some difficulties in his life, but he is stronger than you both give him credit for. He will deal and cobble some kind of life together. This may be the impetus that finally causes him to adult up. Or he may just keep living like a 21 year old. But either way, he will be ok.

Jp2585 −  I’ll assume y’all live together. So first would be to get your things in order. Separate bank accounts if you have any, remove your name from joint credit cards, and find a new place to move in. Once those are done, you’ll talk with him and tell him that you are no longer compatible, and that you will be moving out. It’s important at this point to be stern and not let him start arguments about why to stay, and to simply tell him it won’t work, and you are moving out.

The planning you did before is crucial so that you can move out quickly. If theres a delay between your new place and the break up, try to crash at friends or familys place in the mean time. Staying in the same place as your now ex will usually make things very difficult for both of you.

When you are completely separated, block him from all social media, and block his number. There is nothing to be gained from leaving access to each other. It’s gonna suck, and you are gonna cry a lot, even though you initiated it, you will hurt badly. But it will go away, and you’ll be glad you moved on and now have the opportunity to find something better for you.

Boggart13 −  When they’re not your everything too.

Voleuse −  how do I end things without completely devastating him? You can’t. The right thing to do isn’t always the easy thing to do. He’ll be devastated, and then he’ll learn and heal and grow. I think it’s for the best that you remove yourself as much as you can during that process. Block everywhere, if you get into a new relationship keep it low-key for a while, stay away from shared social activities when you can.. It’ll be okay. He will be okay.

Copious-GTea −  Remember, breakups are not some negotiation in which both parties need to agree and come to the conclusion together that it is time to break up; they are a unilateral decision in which one party decides it is not working and ends it. The best part, once you’ve made the decision to break up, you no longer have to care about what they are doing or how they feel. Their feelings and any actions they take are officially 100% not your problem anymore. As I like to say “not my monkey”.

trueriptide −  My ex was like this. Was with him since we were 18/19 for almost ten years. Had to push him to get a car (and he did, with my credit score), to get a credit card to further help him build credit, to get a new job that was full time instead of just chilling as a package handler at a warehouse as a part time without trying to move up in the company, same thing as he sits as a bartender at a casino – he could easily try to move up within the casino and even branch out into different departments, still hasn’t tried.

Anyway there’s no changing. Some people just completely lack any sort of ambition or want to move forward in any way. Drop them. I’m so much happier with my bf who has the similar level of drive that I do.

tandoori_taco_cat −  he’s told me before that I’m the only good thing in his life. That doesn’t mean you have to give up your dreams and goals for his status quo.