How do I (27m) accept the inevitability of my husband’s (25m) death?

A Redditor from a relationship subreddit shared a heart-wrenching story about facing the inevitable loss of a loved one. The user’s husband, who had been in a severe accident resulting in brain damage, is now on life support with no brain activity.

The Redditor is struggling with how to let go and accept the reality of the situation while also yearning for closure and the chance to say things left unsaid. They seek advice on how to emotionally prepare for their husband’s impending death and find closure. Read the original story below…

‘ How do I (27m) accept the inevitability of my husband’s (25m) death?’

My husband and I have been together for nearly 4 years and married for two and a half. We have a one year old son (via surrogacy). Three months ago there was an accident (I’m putting this delicately, you may fill in the blanks) that he survived, but left him severely brain damaged. I was told that if he woke up he wouldn’t be the same and would be severely disabled.

Perhaps it was selfish of me but I opted to try medical intervention as much as possible. I wasn’t, nor am I now, prepared to say goodbye to him. Recent scans have shown that he has no brain activity left, the only thing keeping him alive now (“alive”, since there’s no real brain activity that would qualify a person as being alive) is the machines.

I understand there’s no coming back from it, but emotionally, I don’t know how to let go. I feel like there’s so many things we still have left to do, so many things I want to tell him and don’t know how, and I don’t know how to get closure enough to allow myself to say that it’s okay to let him go.

I know that it will mean that his pain, mentally and physically, are over, but how do I get closure? How do you prepare for and accept the inevitability of impending death? What ways can I try to get closure before it happens?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Bumper6190 −  4 years or 40 years, it is never a good time to say goodbye to a loved one. However, one has to be very careful that the continuation of life, is actually the continuation of the life you love, not the continuation of breathing. We live your agony. The difference is that I have stage 4 cancer. We had a chance to talk, not like your unforeseen accident.

We had to come to a point where we agreed that she would not hang on beyond realistic hope. And, she had to make sure that, when I lost the ability to do so, she would take care of me in the most loving and merciful way… let me go! So, we have agreed that, when I can no longer reciprocate her love, I have met my desired end. When I can not longer show I love you… I am already gone!

I will not have the conscious means to instruct my desire to terminate treatment; she will have to do that for me. I guess there really is no easy way, no silver bullet. Grief is the cost of love, life in a dependant and vegetative state is only “existence”. I know you know this deep down, but the preservation of existence is not the retention of life.. I feel so sorry for you.

Used2BPromQueen −  We had to terminate my 2 yr old grandson’s life support after a tragic accident left him brain dead. I’m going to tell you exactly what I told my daughter… There are particularly harrowing times in your life when you must put someone else’s needs so much higher than your own that it physically causes you pain.

You cannot be selfish here despite every instinct screaming at you to do so. What is in **his** best interest here? Would you want to be kept “alive” like this? Would he want to be kept “alive” like this if he could choose? He is gone and now we have to free his soul by putting his body to rest and it will be your final greatest act of love for him. I’m sorry for your struggles and heartache OP. It’s an awful thing.

Guilty_BaN −  The hospital should have some grief services or therapy available to you and I would take them up on it. Also support groups in your locality might be a good place to turn. Asking people who have had similar experiences or feelings can be very cathartic, and help you gain some perspective on what you need.. I’m so sorry for your loss <3

norwegiandoggo −  You can’t really get closure before it happens I think. That’s unrealistic. I get the impulse, but it’s just not how it works. It’s going to be incredibly hard. But it is already incredibly hard. Waiting is likely to prolong the pain. Only through a little worse suffering will you come out on the other end.

I hope you can draw on all the resources you can to prepare for the time when you need them the most. May it be friends, family, or a therapist. You may need them all.
I wish you much strength and I’m sorry for your loss

[Reddit User] −  One way is to turn your point of view around to his point of view. He is gone and can not return. Do not prolong the process of his dying, now you have tried and know his life is lost. Turn the machine off and keep him company as he takes his last breaths. Support his last moments towards rest. Your own grief will follow but you can make this part about him.

Alibeee64 −  I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you looked into donating his organs if that’s an option? It may make a difference knowing that his passing might help to save someone else.

[Reddit User] −  I had to help make this decision for my best friend after he attempted suicide. I realized that logically, he wanted out. To put him through the pain of learning to walk again, speak, or eat would have been extending his hell. I look at it this way, i finished what he started. And I am proud that I had the strength to respect his last wishes and not selfishly keep him here with me.

3 years later and I still think about him every day. If it could have been different, what I could have done instead. I try to remember it was not up to me, that the actions put in motion were decided when he pulled the trigger. I love him so much, and I hope I never stop missing him. He is at peace now, his suffering ended and my life is better because of him.

I hang onto the good, I have happy memories all over my home. I dont hide him and I talk openly about him with friends and family. If you want to DM me I am happy to be a support for you. Or just a shoulder to cry on.

LilMoonMoon −  I’m an ICU nurse and have cared for patients in similar situations. Here are some concrete things you can try: – Ask the nurse to help you record his heart beat. They can easily Doppler his pulse and you can record it on your phone to listen to whenever you want. They can also print out his heart rhythm.. – Cut and keep a lock of his hair.

– Ask the nurse to move him to one side of the bed, and climb in there with him and have a goodbye snuggle. – Ask about organ donation. His last action might be helping others. – Play some of his favorite music for him. – The hospital likely has a chaplain- if he would normally be comforted by prayer, ask them to come pray with him.

– Think about if you want to be in the room with him when they turn the machines off. Some people do and some don’t. Both are completely okay. This is horrible and I wish it were not happening to you or to him. I think the hardest, kindest thing you can do for him is to make the choice that he would make for himself if he could.. You are not alone.

mldrkicker50 −  First, I want to say that I am sorry for your loss. Secondly, there is not an easy way to put this next step, so I’ll just throw it out there. Turn off the life support soon. Nothing in modern medicine can bring him back. He is not there anymore, his body is just a shell. Now that his soul has departed, there is nothing to drive the life in the shell.

Thirdly, closure will come with time. If you need to, take some time to “say goodbye” while he is still on life support. Take that time and then remove yourself from the hospital. You are the one in need of healing now. Your child depends on you to pick up and carry on with life. You can do it, it will suck, it will be painful, but you can do it with the love and support of your friends and family. I wish you all the best and again, I am sorry for your loss.

[Reddit User] −  You’ll need support from friends, family and maybe even a support group / grief councillor. I am truly sorry for what you are going through and hope that someone here can offer some better advice than I can but please believe that you do not need to go through this alone and there is help and support out there for you.

This Redditor’s emotional journey is incredibly difficult, navigating the balance between love, loss, and the responsibility of making life-altering decisions. Do you think there’s a way to truly find closure in such a tragic situation, or is the pain of letting go something we all must face alone? Share your thoughts below and let’s support each other through these difficult conversations.