How do I [26F] talk to my SO[21M] about needing him to keep my room tidy when he’s staying over?

A 26-year-old woman is grappling with a growing frustration about her boyfriend’s (21M) lack of tidiness when staying over at her place. Although they have a supportive and calm relationship, she feels her boyfriend hasn’t been consistently helping with keeping her space tidy, which is important to her.

She also worries about the potential of moving in together in the future, considering her past experience where she took on all household responsibilities. She’s unsure how to communicate her concerns without creating tension.

‘ How do I [26F] talk to my SO[21M] about needing him to keep my room tidy when he’s staying over?’

Me and R have ben dating for 7 months and we get on beautifully. Never had an argument, always talk about things calmly and we are very supportive of each other’s jobs and studies. I can really see us staying together on the long run if we work through the practicalities of day to day things.

When I was at University I used to be a VERY messy person, however since leaving I have become very tidy and I like to keep my house tidy too. I share a house with one other girl and I am specially careful with the common areas. No one should have to live with my mess!

I’m not a clean freak but I try not to leave clothes laying around, like my desk clean and don’t mind eating on the couch but don’t like to leave dirty dishes around. R usually stays over 2 or 3 times a week at my place. I never stay at his house as he’s still living with his parents.

The last three weeks he stayed over everyday as he had some family members visiting and he gave them his room. I said he could stay with me instead of sleeping on the couch at his house. This may be why the problem is more evident now.

I was in a previous relationship for 6 years and part of the reason we broke up was because I was the one doing all the “grown up stuff” – taking care of paying bills, doing the shopping, cleaning the house. My ex and I would talk about it but I never saw an effort on his side.

I mentioned this to R when he first started to sleep over and he was very understanding and for a while I saw that he was making a real effort to help me around. He would do the dishes after we ate, not leave clothes on the floor etc.

However, in the last three weeks I’ve just become a wee bit annoyed at how many times I’ve had to ask him to be a bit more tidy. He does help around if I ask him but for example this morning he was ready to get out the door and said he was just waiting for me.

I looked around and his towel was on the floor, there were dishes on my desk (i made dinner for us last night), the bed wasn’t made and there were dirty clothes on the couch. We weren’t rushing to go to work (we had planned to go for lunch and had the day off).

I contemplated saying something on the spot but thought I would rest on the subject and plan how to better word it before bringing it up. At that moment I decided to just tidy up and leave it at that. He was on his phone and didn’t even notice.

This is specially important as he has mentioned us moving in together in September (he is starting a new job and will have more income). I initially thought this would be a good idea but now I am on the fence as I don’t want to go back to the situation I was in with my ex.

I have expressed to him how I enjoy having a tidy room, specially on my days off so I can enjoy the day and not worry about the mess. That didn’t seem to do the trick so how should I approach it?. Thank you kindly for any advice.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

[Reddit User] −  I strongly believe that two adults should not move in together until they have each lived alone, independently, and proven they can be a responsible adult. I suggest you do that.

acb118 −  I think you just need to be blunt about it and say pretty much what was said here. It’s not “making an effort” if you had to ask him to do it every time, it’s just doing what he was told. I don’t think moving in together is a good idea until you see actual effort to clean up after himself or you will absolutely be stuck in the same situation as before.

baffled_soap −  Ok, so some other posters have already covered the part where he’s younger than you & still living with his parents, so I’m not gonna spend much time on that. But I do think it’s a contributing factor. I also think you need to communicate more directly.

Instead of commenting about a “clean room” or picking up behind him & hoping your boyfriend draws appropriate conclusions, point things out kindly. “Babe, while I’m finishing getting ready, can you hang your bath towel & put your dishes in the sink?”

As stupid as it sounds, he may not perceive these things as “mess” the way you do. And if that’s the case, by specifically pointing them out, you can clear up any confusion. If pointing it out just makes him whine about it, then you can revisit the first point, where he might not be required to clean up after himself at home.

[Reddit User] −  I really don’t know the secret key for this as I’m semi-going through it I have the same situation with my 21 F but she has 2 kids so she gets much more of free pass. I’ve taken on the dishes duty but when you throw 10 bottles a day at me it gets annoying and when she uses 5 glasses cups by the time I get home.

So I’ve been blunt and told her use 1, I will literally start buying styrofoam cups if this doesn’t get resolved. She pays most bills so I’m 100% ok picking up after her boys but her not so much. Probably once a week we do a huge clean up but ya it gets messy.

She does cooking/laundry so i’m in a sticky situation on trying to negotiate for her to do much more. I just see it as it’s easy to keep a place tidy instead of letting it get out of hand then needing a HUGE clean up.

Joonami −  I contemplated saying something on the spot but thought I would rest on the subject and plan how to better word it before bringing it up. At that moment I decided to just tidy up and leave it at that. He was on his phone and didn’t even notice. You should have said something.

In the future definitely bring it up at the time it happens rather than letting it fester and bringing it up later. If it bothers you, say something, and have him clean it up. Don’t take care of it just because it’s the path of least resistance.

I would lay it out to him that if he can’t abide by the rules of your home, he is no longer allowed to stay over. I doubt he realizes how serious of an issue this is (and it should be, especially since you’ve had this issue with someone else before and he is aware of it,

and because at some point or another he should learn how to be a functional adult who can manage a home too) but you need to make it abundantly clear. If it really doesn’t improve, it’s not worth it. Just d**p him and move on. This is a big problem with a lot of men, don’t waste your time training a legal adult into adulthood.

thylascine −  yeeeeaaaah hes 21 and living with his parents, it doesn’t seem like he’s totally ready to be in an independent adult relationship, and him moving in with you will not fix this behavior, it will make you his mom