How do I (25F) tell my parents (56F, 59M) that I’m dying?

A Reddit user shares a deeply emotional update about facing a terminal illness, seeking advice on how to tell her parents that she has been diagnosed with incurable bowel cancer. Despite wanting to keep her visit with them happy, she faces the difficult task of delivering devastating news. Read her journey of love, fear, and seeking support from family below.

‘ How do I (25F) tell my parents (56F, 59M) that I’m dying?’

As the title says, really. Using a throwaway because my main can be identified. My 25 F parents and I are really close emotionally but not geographically. They live abroad and I see them a couple times a year, but we speak pretty much every day.

A few months ago I started getting some weird symptoms (unexplained weight loss, fatigue, abdo pain etc) and went to the doctor who referred me for more tests. Because I didn’t want to worry my parents before we knew it was anything to worry about, my partner 27 M (together 10 years) and I kept it to ourselves.

Many tests later, including some very uncomfortable scans and a biopsy and it turns out that I have incurable bowel cancer and have a year or so at most. Which sucks.

No one knows yet except my partner but I need and want to tell my parents so that it’s not a complete shock to them when I see them in a few months (I’m due to visit in November and I really need that visit to be as happy as it can be) and also because I need them.

How the hell do I approach this conversation? It doesn’t feel like something I can just drop into a phone call, but the thought of flying out to them to tell them in person is pretty daunting.

Also for my partner’s sake I want to tell them soon because aside from me he’s the only one who knows (didn’t want a well-meaning relative from his side posting something on social media or any risk of my family hearing it from anyone else) and this is really hard on him. He needs someone other than me he can talk to about it. Any advice would be so welcome. Thank you.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Accurate_Barnacle895 −  If I were to receive this news from my daughter, I would actually prefer it be on a phone call. This would allow me to process the news, without the need or desire to protect her from my pain. I wouldn’t have to worry about adding to her pain because of my facial expression or tears, etc. I would only have to focus on my words.

And I would want to know as soon as possible without delay. When time is short, every day matters. You have written this out well and it is an excellent guide. Its hard to know where to start, but just starting is the key. Mom/Dad, I need to talk to you about something and its serious.

I haven’t been feeling well…I had some tests…I didn’t want to worry you, but the results confirmed cancer and the prognosis is not good. Let them grasp that for a moment, because that in itself is a lot to get your head around. I imagine they will start to ask questions about treatments and then you can share that it is incurable and the timeline you have been given.

There is no way to make this easy or less painful for them or for you. Just focus on getting it out there. If you aren’t up to it, consider having your spouse speak with them if that would help you. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Bot4TLDR −  It might be helpful to introduce what will happen during the conversation before you start telling them what’s going on: _I’m going to tell you some news that is going to be really, really hard. After I tell you what’s going on, I’m going to tell you what I need from you._

Now they know two things. One – this is going to be bad and they can brace themselves. Two – that when they want to jump into action immediately (people always want to do this when bad, bad things happen to people they love), they will know what you need from them.

hopethisbabysticks −  I know it’s hard but just tell them as soon as possible even if it’s over the phone

itsnotmeanyway −  I’m sorry to hear about your health. I am in a similar situation, but I am the one with cancer and I had to tell my daughter. The hardest thing I ever did my prayers are with you.

Baref00tgirl −  I am a nurse practitioner and worked as a hospitalist for a large cancer group locally. First, I want to say I’m so sorry you are having to face this. Secondly, I’m so proud of you for the strength and maturity you obviously posses. You cannot shield your parents from the pain. Don’t even try.

FaceTime or Zoom them but make sure you all have the time and privacy you will need. I believe face to face communication is so important. We communicate with our entire face, these are the people who have loved you the longest. They will cry.

I can’t tell you the number of times I found a son, daughter, husband or wife crying in the hallway not wanting the patient to see them cry. What was happening was they were both suffering but each did it alone in a futile attempt to protect the other. Don’t do that to yourself or to them.

You said they live abroad – you can rest assured if possible they will want to spend as much time with you as they possibly can. If you can, take advantage of the time you feel well enough to do that. No one knows the exact time anyone has but your oncologist can likely guide you if you ask for advice on your traveling and when it will be important for them to come to you.

I am so very sorry you are facing this nightmare. Cling to those that matter to you and allow them to do what they can for you and allow them to love you fiercely. They will be building the memories they will hold onto for the rest of their days.

NYCStoryteller −  I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It’s not fair. Just pick up the phone and call them. I know it’s a lot for a phone call, but you really don’t know how you’re going to be feeling in November. You need them. Odds are, they will be on the next flight to you and have a million questions.

Be prepared for them to be in denial about your diagnosis and prognosis and for them to want you to get second and third opinions about whether surgery, chemo, or radiation can buy you time. You may want to ask your doctor for a referral to a support group that your partner (and your parents) can join for family members of people who have received a terminal diagnosis.

prosperosniece −  Go visit them now instead of waiting until November.

Sea_Let7300 −  Is this something you can say over the phone or do you need their arms wrapped around you to get the news out? I’m so sorry. Gentle hugs from a stranger who also faced d**th at a young age. If you haven’t looked yet, are there any clinical trial options to give you a chance? The world of research is rapidly evolving and growing.

Specialist-Peach0251 −  Tell them on a Friday evening so they have the weekend to process and don’t have to go into work the next day or alternatively call out of work the next day.

No-Cat-3422 −  Tell them as soon as you can. Phone call. Email. Anything. Tell them. Asap. ❤️ sending love.

How have you navigated sharing difficult or life-changing news with your loved ones? What approach did you find helpful in starting such conversations? Share your experiences and any advice you may have for others in similar situations.