Help with convincing SIL to leave her BF
A man is deeply concerned about his sister-in-law’s toxic relationship and her partner’s lack of ambition and accountability. He’s hoping to have a candid conversation with her during an upcoming family gathering but worries about how to approach it without damaging their relationship. Read his story below.
‘ Help with convincing SIL to leave her BF’
I (33M) am married to Em (31(F), we’ve been together for 13 years. She’s got a sister ((25F) and 2 older brothers (34M,36M). They all live spread out across the country. The older brothers aren’t really in the picture for various reasons. SIL is the most important in this situation, I’ll call her Tanya.
Tanya had a bit of a troubled youth, she’s very reclusive. When she started studying she got a boyfriend. He was pretty outgoing, and really helped her get out there. They stayed in their hometown, which is about 2 hours away from us. So we don’t see them too often, but my wife is trying to remain in contact.
I’ve known Tanya since she’s been 12-13 basically. And she’s grown a lot! After meeting her boyfriend about 5 years ago, she’s met new friends, been doing more, going to the gym. Basically, all the good stuff. However, her boyfriend ain’t all good. I’ll call him Ron (24M).
When they met he studied. But then failed out of one too many classes. Well, stuff can happen. He started a new study which was closer to what he actually wanted. But there the weirdness really starts. Even before Covid they started living together, in a different city from their hometown.
Tanya’s and EM’s parents are rich, so they pay for Tanya’s living space, a small studio. So now they live together in this tiny space and Ron doesn’t have to pay anything, except his part of the groceries. And then he fails his studies again and has to redo a year.
Seems he isn’t the brightest bulb, but eh whatever, he’s a cool dude. Finally he manages to get to the last year, and he has to do an internship somewhere as a mandatory part. He says he’s looking everywhere and doesn’t seem to get any internship. Which is kinda weird as he’s such a social good guy.
He should be able to sweet talk himself into practically anything. And suddenly, in the months leading up to Christmas there’s an aunt of Em. She has a spot for him at an university in her team. Ron just needs to actually ‘officially’ apply, get the paper trail etc. etc.. There’s no way to circumvent the university bureaucracy.
And he just… doesn’t. at Christmas it was a bit weird but he just misdirects the conversation to like “We’ll talk about it after Christmas sometime, keep it in the spirit of happiness and stuff”. The family ain’t exactly nonconfrontational but everybody just doesn’t know how to deal with it and basically ignores it.
Ron never contacts Em’s aunt again. At least not in time to secure an apprenticeship. Without an apprenticeship, he fails the year again. He then had some administrative s**ew-up trying to re-apply for the new year? It’s not a difficult process, basically check a few boxes. Certainly if you’re already studying at the space.
He then claims the university screwed up and even will pay him some money because of their problem. This is unbelievable because A) any university will NEVER pay you for stuff like this, they’d rather wait out the lawsuit, B)
I’ve never heard about the story again and C) student s**ew-ups happen, if you’re lucky the administration helps you out, or you just gotta wait a year. It happened to a friend of my who completely forgot re-applying for his new year and only found out at the end of first semester when he wasn’t allowed into the exam room.
After a lot of failures Ron works at some low end jobs, trying to get a bit of money. Always ‘maybe’ getting a better job, but failing. At this time, Tanya is finishing her long engineering studies, setting her up for a very nice paying job in a few years.
During one of her final exams, Ron decides to get drunk and barge into the single-room studio in the middle of the night, swearing and stuff. Just basically screwing up her night rest the day before a major exam. He’s done this before, breaking up with her the day before another major test. Then coming back the next day and making up.
There’s a few more weird stories like this. But he’s still a social nice guy, at least to the outside. Now we get to the latest story. They’ve moved to a new spot in their hometown, a bit bigger luckily. Tanya has a relatively well paying job for someone her age.
Ron is still struggling at low-end jobs. But Ron is unhappy in his job, he’s a sort of mini-truck operator. So most of his days is just driving around warehouse carting stuff from A to B. But he’s unhappy because his teamlead is out for him or something. I don’t understand how because 95% of his job is driving solo with his list of stuff to do already prepped.
They should barely interact. Anyway, Tanya is really fed up with it because the job makes Ron unlikable to be around. A generally grumpy angry dude when he’s home. So together they decide he should quit and then find a new job. It’s been half a year.
They still haven’t found a job for him, and Ron is just playing videogames all day long. From what I hear he’s happier now. But Tanya is basically doing the majority of the housework and paying all the bills. His last few claims are bonkers.
He just claimed he didn’t get a job because the team he applied to was only females ‘and they didn’t want a dude in their team’. NOBODY WILL SAY THAT TO YOU. Any recruiter or HR person with like a shred of common sense would not actually say that out loud. Bar that, it’s been half a year and the dude has no certifications, no training, nothing.
Basically, any job is better than nothing, even if he is just folding boxes. He hasn’t even told Em’s father he’s out of a job. We accidentally told her father when he came to visit. It’s not like Tanya and her father meet up often, but still kind of weird it hasn’t been mentioned in half a year’s time.
I’ve known her as long as I’ve known my wife. Its not like we saw them often but I did see her grow up through the years. We’re not very close, mainly because of the distances involved. But I am done with Ron. Directly confronting him won’t work I think. But I really want to get through to Tanya. At next Christmas I have a chance to talk to her.
How do I do it? I can’t read her mind, but it’s like a combination of fear of the unknown, low self-esteem, her whole friendgroup is enmeshed with Ron’s (and was mostly Ron’s before they got together)… but I’m very worried how this will go if they ever want to marry, get kids.
If he can’t even take responsibility now. Lie constantly… How will this ever get better? A SAHD would be fine with me, but he doesn’t seem capable of doing even the basics of keeping the house in order.
Either Ron needs to get it together or Tanya needs to leave him. So, how do I approach this conversation without alienating Tanya? Asking Em is not an option. She really doesn’t want to burn her relation with Tanya. So it’s up to me.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
velvedire − If you say things bluntly, they will have the opposite effect. Same if she feels you’re attacking her choices. SIL has to decide he’s a l**er ask on her own. You can gently lead her there, but it takes time. What you can do is demonstrate what a healthy relationship looks like.
You can ask questions to make her think about her own circumstances. An occasional comment highlighting that this isn’t a normal or healthy situation is okay. “That’s really generous of you. I think wife would have me out on my ass in a month if I didn’t contribute.”
The biggest thing is to be there for her when everything finally does fall apart.
Opening_Track_1227 − I would follow Em’s lead on this, maybe schedule a day where the two of you can talk to Tanya about Ron and collectively express how y’all feel if Em is onboard with that.
Also, keep in mind, that she is grown and may not either take too kindly to you all’s involvement in her relationship or decide that she still wants to be with the guy after the talk.
decaturbob − – if you fear talking straight up to help some one why bother? The sister NEEDS to step up first and foremost in this hot mess.
Navigating sensitive conversations about a loved one’s relationship can be incredibly challenging. How would you approach this situation to ensure Tanya feels supported without feeling judged or alienated? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below!