Girlfriend [21 F] is furious at me [21 M] after my grandmother spoke badly and derogatorily about her in Spanish right in front of her.
A Reddit user shared a difficult situation involving their girlfriend, Olivia, meeting their family for the first time. Despite being warned that Olivia didn’t speak Spanish, their grandmother made racist comments about her, which Olivia might have overheard, as she actually understands Spanish well.
After Olivia left early, upset, the user confronted their grandmother but feels guilty for not standing up for her in the moment. Olivia is now angry, feeling embarrassed, and questioning the user’s loyalty. The user is seeking advice on how to make things right and repair the relationship.
‘ Girlfriend [21 F] is furious at me [21 M] after my grandmother spoke badly and derogatorily about her in Spanish right in front of her.’
I’ve been dating a girl, Olivia, for four months. She’s Jamaican-American, and I’m Cuban-American, though I’m very Americanized. We live in an area with few Latino people, so Spanish isn’t assumed to be understood. When we started dating, I asked if she spoke Spanish, and she said, “not really,” so I assumed she couldn’t communicate in it.
I was excited to introduce her to my family, thinking they’d love her. I invited them over for dinner, including my grandmother, who doesn’t speak much English. I warned my family to be nice to her, but I also told them Olivia couldn’t speak Spanish.
Things started well, but my grandmother, in a bad mood, made a series of racist comments about Olivia. She said she didn’t expect Olivia to be so “dark,” questioned her family background, and mentioned how my grandfather wouldn’t approve of her.
She also said it was better to date someone who spoke Spanish and made a snide comment about Olivia’s appearance. My dad and brother laughed at my grandmother’s behavior, but I’m sure they didn’t find it funny—they just didn’t know how to respond.
Olivia, who had been pleasant, suddenly claimed she had a migraine and left early. Afterward, I confronted my grandmother, but I felt awful, especially when I realized Olivia might have understood more than I thought. I tried calling her that night, but she didn’t answer until the next day.
Olivia admitted that she had taken Spanish for five years and could understand it well, which made the situation worse. She was angry with me for not warning her about my “racist family” and for not standing up for her.
She felt embarrassed because she had defended me against her friend’s claims that many Cubans are racist. I understand why she’s upset, and I feel terrible. I don’t want to lose her over this. My family isn’t racist, but I know my grandmother’s behavior was unacceptable.
My mom, dad, and brother are good people, though my dad and brother were wrong to laugh at the situation. I want to make things right, but I don’t know how. Does anyone have advice on how I can fix this?
Check out how the community responded:
[Reddit User] − Sorry but, regardless of whether she could understand or not, you didn’t actually defend her. This post talks too much about her comprehension of the Spanish language rather than the facts – your grandmother is a r**ist,
and you should have felt the need to defend your girlfriend and take her out of that environment whether or not she could understand. Didn’t you want to leave after hearing your grandmother be so horrible? Didn’t it make you mad? S**ew making a scene!. I’m with her on this.
You can claim the rest of your family was laughing at your grandmother and not with her, but regardless, no one stood up for her. Disown your grandmother if you’re serious about this girl, if not, let her go and find someone who will have enough respect for her not to put her in that position.
[Reddit User] − Sorry, but your family ARE r**ist assholes.
hobosexualfuntimes − My Abuela sucks but my family has no choice but to put up with her. This is b**lshit, and you know it. “Putting up with her” is a choice, and the very thing that has allowed her to get away with this behavior.
[Reddit User] − Being unable to speak a language isn’t the same as being able to understand it. I can’t speak French but I understand it quite well.
You absolutely should have stood up for her.
It isn’t okay for someone (I don’t care how old they are or how long ago they lost a spouse) to speak like that about someone. If I were your gf I would be mortified and upset also.
As far as what you can do-apologize and tell her you’re sorry that these things were said, you didn’t want to create a scene and truly didn’t know she understood Spanish so well which is why you didn’t get more upset in the moment and were going to address it afterwards with your family.
tokynambu − My Abuela sucks but my family has no choice but to put up with her. Why? Does she own all your houses and cars? What’s wrong with, in a mutually comprehensible language, “Grandma, stop being r**ist or shut up?”
Your family are racists. You’re relaxed about racism.
[Reddit User] − You didn’t stand up for your girlfriend because you ‘didn’t want to make a scene’? You really dropped the ball! And stop talking about GF’s Spanish which is completely beside the point.
[Reddit User] − Don’t be surprised if she dumps you. You acted like a c**ard. Also f**k your dad and brother for laughing. Your family members are assholes.
tokynambu − She was mad that my dad and brother laughed at her expense and was furious that I didn’t defend her or stand up to my grandmother. I tried to explain the whole “not wanting to cause a scene” thing. If you’re someone who would prefers your girlfriend be racially abused over “making a scene” then you deserve to be broken up with.
Your family is r**ist, either passively or actively, and refuses to do anything other than laugh about racism. You’re equally relaxed about racism. Call your grandmother on it, or lose your girlfriend. It’s not hard.
WelshBluebird1 − So you’re annoyed at your girlfriend because someone in your family insulted her and is a r**ist p**, yet you didn’t really defend her and just tried to ignore it? You KNEW your grandmother was r**ist but chose not to tell your gf?
My Abuela sucks but my family has no choice but to put up with her.. B**lshit. You could have tried to shut her down. You could say to her that as long as she is a r**ist s**t then she doesn’t get to see or spend time with you.
And if you do spend time with her, any time she is r**ist or says something insulting about your gf then the conversation is over and you leave. My mom and dad do not have a r**ist bone in their body and my brother isn’t eithe. So why did they just laugh? Why did they not try to shut it down?
Do you think the user should have stood up for Olivia in the moment, and how can they rebuild trust with her? How would you handle a situation involving family members making hurtful comments to someone you care about? Share your thoughts below!