Further Update: Husband accused me of financial infidelity?

Hi All…so I have an additional (and probably not very surprising) update to my saga. First post was here: https://aita.pics/mMZfb
(husband was furious that I spent $5K on a gaming computer, desk and chair even though we are high income earners in a great financial position and I used my own allotment of “fun money” within our established rules)

Second post was here: https://aita.pics/UYBpy
(husband told me he was actually upset that he feels I’m not professionally ambitious enough because I’m not on the “executive” track like he is, and that (despite my working full-time) he wanted me to cook fancier meals, set the table in a more elegant way, and dress up more for dinner – yes, like a 1950s housewife)

‘ Further Update: Husband accused me of financial infidelity?’

So, the more I thought about it, the more his requests – demands, really – were sitting poorly with me. I decided to try a little experiment over the weekend to see what would happen if I tried to meet some of his demands. NOT because I actually thought they were reasonable, but because I increasingly had the sense that the goalposts would just keep moving and that I was playing a losing game. So, Saturday morning, I went to the salon for a glow-up (haircut, fresh highlights, mani/pedi) then went to the farmer’s market to pick up fresh flowers for our table and assorted other gourmet ingredients.

Saturday is usually our date night out but I suggested we stay in so I could make us a special dinner, steakhouse style (lobster bisque, bread basket with several types of rolls/savory muffins made from scratch, crab-stuffed mushrooms, filet mignon, au gratin potatoes, white chocolate mousse topped with raspberries). I wore a lavender (his favorite color on me) sheath dress and high heels and fully done hair and makeup. For all that I got a lukewarm “thanks, it was tasty” and a kiss on the cheek. Of course I did all the serving and cleanup.

Sunday we usually go out but he suggested I make us brunch at home. So I made French-press coffee, mimosas with fresh-squeezed orange juice, Belgian waffles with a bananas Foster topping, eggs scrambled with parmesan and fresh herbs from our garden, roasted fingerling potatoes, and maple-glazed bacon. I wore a blue sleeveless sundress, wedge sandals, again did my hair and makeup. Again I got a “thanks, it’s good” and no help with serving or cleanup.

Afterwards I asked if this is what he had in mind when he critiqued me before. He said that it was a start, but that I was “acting very entitled for wanting credit for basic adulting.” He then dropped a bomb that he was being so hard on me because he had realized lately I had a lot to make up for due to my being a “low-value woman.” I asked what on earth he meant by that and he said it was because I wasn’t a virgin when we met.. WHAT?!?!

Keep in mind we started dating at 21, neither of us claimed to be virgins or stated that as an expectation. Except for very religious people (neither of us is) I don’t think most 21-year-old college students are virgins. I was upfront with him then that I’d had two previous partners, my high school boyfriend (we went our separate ways when we went to different colleges in different parts of the country) and another boyfriend I’d had my first year of college. And that’s it, both committed relationships and nothing casual.

He then went on to say that because of my low value, I was going to need to be making it up to him for the rest of my life. That I didn’t deserve monogamy or equal treatment and that I was lucky that anyone at all wanted to marry me. And – that he’s “connected” with someone from work so if I wanted to keep him I’d better step up. I told him it didn’t sound like there was anything to keep if he no longer loved me (or even liked or respected me). Told him to leave and he said he would gladly go to his girlfriend’s place.

I know SO many people here insisted he was having an affair and I just didn’t want to see it, that his “complaints” were really all part of a campaign to distance himself from me. I feel SO foolish for just thinking he was going through a stressful time at work or that he genuinely wanted to work on our marriage.

Anyway I have taken the week off from work to get my head together. Have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. Canceled the marriage counseling appointment but got a referral to an individual therapist who can do an intake session with me later in the week. He (and the girlfriend apparently) are coming this evening to get more of his clothes and things so I have to brace myself for that.

Also, please be assured I do NOT think I am low-value in any way. I let my husband make me think less of myself on some levels for a short time but now I truly see it was a “him” problem. Obviously we don’t share the same goals and values and he has become someone I don’t recognize. I know the divorce won’t be fun or easy, but I will be okay. Thank you all for helping me see that I was being played before I wasted too much more time in a marriage that was already over.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Excellent_Ad1664 −  Holy f**k, I knew he was a d**khead but to this level??? “low value woman”??? God not the andrew tate phrasing and him expecting everyone to be a virgin is such a weird thing. The good thing is that you got rid of that parasite and you’ll be better off without him. I’m happy you’re moving forward and not letting it eat you.

EmbarrassedAttempt90 −  Oh my gosh. He found Andrew Tate. Unfortunately that mindset is incredibly prevalent in the finance world, especially in those boys club higher up circles. I know it sucks rn, but you have dodged a bullet babe.

Fresa22 −  I know this is going to be rough, but I’m not going to say I’m sorry you’re dealing with this because I’m on the other side of almost the exact same thing and I promise you life after getting rid of this man is going to be amazing. You’re going to realize how much of your effort this leech was stealing from you and it’s going to feel like a huge weight has been lifted. The only regret you will have is that you didn’t do it earlier.

[Reddit User] −  LoL. Financial infidelity. That’s precious. They make 16k a month and she buying herself a gaming computer is an act of the worst betrayal ever, eh?

Because she should be putting on fake eyelashes and making him a seven-course meal which she would bring individually, dancing through the kitchen door, puffing up the chrysanthemums, and then washing the dishes after him while she opens his beer and he watches a movie. Is that what mid-life crisis in a financial advisor looks like? Ooooh he’s going to miss her when his 25-year-old VIRGIN mistress turns out to be a human, too, and not a Stepford shopwindow mannequin..

Omn1 −  Sounds like this d**khead got into some Andrew Tate s**t and it gave him an excuse to be the d**khead he always was inside.

baxterhasnoteeth −  Good for you for recognizing that what he was saying had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him wanting to end your marriage. What is wrong with people that they can’t just say I want a divorce? Anyway, I’m so sorry it ended like this. Stay strong.

ivityCreations −  Also, while he can come get his things, his “girlfriend” has absolutely no place coming into your grandmothers home that was bequeathed upon you. She does not step FOOT inside the door. If that requires police presence, then request it. You do not deserve to have your home disrespected in that way. If he needs help moving he can get one of his guy friends to help. End of story.

Edit;;. Wait wait wait…. How isn’t his “new gf” going to be a “low value” woman….? She is likely in her 30s as well at this point… God he deserves a fiery pit for the absolutely piece of work he is

JasonSethCatMommy −  I’ve followed your threads and I feel so much warmth and empathy towards you and your situation. Here are a few things I’d like to share that I wish had I known from the start of the divorce.
1/ Make sure that you hire an excellent super sharp and aggressive lawyer. Costly yes. Necessary- absolutely.

2/ Anything that is precious to you that you own, have a friend that you trust, or relative help you to move them out of the house immediately. Thinking about family heirlooms, letters, photo albums, perhaps some cooking supplies etc.

3/ Take copies/ photos of your bank balance, statements regarding loans, and the entire house. This will help your attorney to sort things out for you as well. Make sure they have a time and date stamp on them.
4/ Call your bank to get statements for the last 24 months. This way, he can’t weasel out of fraudulent behavior financially.

5/ Ensure to change your will, insurance or any other document where he might be a beneficiary.
I hope this might be adding some value to this life-changing situation.. You got this!

CrystalQueen3000 −  Throw yourself an epic divorce party when it’s officially over. Cutting this guy out of your life is something to celebrate, truly.

titties_forever −  Please take him to the cleaners. Don’t let him have any of your money or your house. I’m glad you’re getting away from this c**ep.