Friend (39F) won’t speak to me (38F) after I asked her about adoption as an alternative. Do I try to salvage the friendship, or let her go?

A Reddit user shared their struggles with a longtime friend, Rachel, who has experienced nearly 20 pregnancies and losses, and continues to try for a child despite the emotional and physical toll. The user, feeling overwhelmed by the repeated losses, suggested adoption as an alternative, but Rachel reacted angrily, cutting off their friendship.

The user now faces the dilemma of whether to try to repair the relationship or let it go, acknowledging that their suggestion may have crossed a line but also feeling concerned for Rachel’s emotional well-being.

‘ Friend (39F) won’t speak to me (38F) after I asked her about adoption as an alternative. Do I try to salvage the friendship, or let her go?’

My (38f) long-time friend, Rachel (39f), has been married for 12 years and they’ve been trying to have a baby for as long as I can remember. Rachel can get pregnant, but no matter what, she always miscarries or has an early stillbirth. She has had almost 20 pregnancies and losses. I feel so awful for her, all she wants is a baby to love.. ​

The last time she was pregnant, she made it to 21 weeks before the baby died. I don’t know the full medical diagnosis (I haven’t asked and she never offered), but she has apparently been told she may have a genetic defect and may never carry a child to term. But she keeps trying.

She has pushed away friends and family because she is so obsessed with having a baby. If anyone has suggested she just stop trying, she cuts them out of her life.. ​ The other day, she found out she was pregnant, and when she told me, I just couldn’t muster up the energy to be happy for her.

I just feel sad that the same thing is going to happen. The baby is going to die. She could tell I wasn’t exactly ecstatic and asked me what was up. I asked her if she had given any more thought to adoption in case this pregnancy didn’t work out, and she exploded.

She called me everything in the book and told me she never wanted to talk to me again, and I would never see her baby. I’m at a loss. I know now that I shouldn’t have suggested adoption, as it’s none of my business, but it’s wearing on me to always have to hear about another loss.

Besides that, I truly believe she needs intensive therapy as she’s never processed the losses, she just moves on to trying for another.. ​ Do I try to salvage the friendship, or let her go?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

laurenlegends23 −  Look, the timing of your statement was abysmal. She is in the mindset of celebrating a pregnancy and suggesting that her baby will die (even if that is the most likely outcome) wasn’t really appropriate. That being said, I can completely understand the emotional toll you and everyone in your friend’s life have experienced along with her.

Taking some time away is in both of your best interests, and hopefully in the future (if you decide it’s a relationship you want to continue to foster) you can express that what you really meant was you just want to see her happy, with a baby in her arms, regardless of how that baby comes to be.

WeeklyConversation8 −  She’s been through hell and needs therapy. I can’t even imagine how she’s feeling after losing almost 20 very wanted babies.

sitonachair −  I know it’s too late to say this but it wasn’t the time to ask her how she feels about adoption if her baby dies when she’s literally just announced to you that she’s pregnant.

O4243G −  Regardless of anyone’s historic fertility, when someone tells you they’re pregnant, it’s bad practice to suggest their pregnancy “might not work out.”

Cultural_Shape3518 −  Let her go.  She knows there are other options.  If she wanted to pursue them, she’d have shifted focus by now.  And even if she were more open to the idea, bringing it up when she at least hasn’t given up hope this pregnancy will take is so insensitive, I’m having trouble believing you need to actually be told that.

Laelith75 −  Your timing was off. That was a conversation to maybe have IF she brought up the subject, not immediately after a miscarriage and especially not when announcing a pregnancy. You were basically telling her that this pregnancy will not go to term either.

gordiestanclub −  I’m glad you recognize that bringing up adoption was wrong, but it’s not because it’s none of your business (even though it isn’t). It’s because adoption is not a consolation prize for infertility.

There were much better ways you could have phrased that you were worried for her and the pregnancy without doing it the way that you did. It doesn’t sound like you two are compatible friends anymore. Just let it go.

Balasong-Bazongas −  Just let it go, be there for her if she comes back to you but she’s going through something that nobody can help her with. It’s all by choice that she’s doing this and until she realizes that she doesn’t have to continue in the same path nothing you say will make a difference.

FionaTheFierce −  Friend “I’m pregnant”, OP “This baby will probably die too”, Really, OP? And you wonder why she doesn’t want to talk to you? She is aware of adoption existing. This is like the posts where people ask how to tell their fat friend that they are fat. What kept you from saying “I am wishing the very best for you. I know it has been a long road.”

She wasn’t asking for advice on alternative ways to have a child. Nor was she asking your opinion on what she should do. If you are too exhausted by her friendship then step back and get some distance. But don’t say something so tone deaf and insensitive.

stellabluebear −  It was really bad timing to bring up adoption WHEN SHE IS PREGNANT. It sounds like she will probably lose the baby, but right now she has hope so you essentially told her she shouldn’t have hope or be happy despite being pregnant.

If she lost the baby then maybe you could find a way to gently talk to her about going forward, but it also sounds like she’s already made clear that she doesn’t want to have that conversation. This should be left to her and her partner at this point. I think you owe her a big apology and if she’s not in a space to accept it then let her go.