Fiancé won’t forgive me. What do I do to restore trust?
A 25-year-old man is struggling with his fiancé’s (30F) resentment after failing to meet the financial expectations she had during their pregnancy. Despite his best efforts, he lost his job and couldn’t provide enough, leading to deep disappointment.
His fiancé, who now has a better job after completing her master’s degree, cannot forgive him, believing that his failure as a provider has ruined her view of him. She is planning to move out in the summer, and he is desperate to restore her trust and save their family. Read the full story below.
‘ Fiancé won’t forgive me. What do I do to restore trust?’
My fiancé (30/F) and I (25/M) have been together for almost 2 years. We have an 8 month old child and live together. We come from different cultural backgrounds, myself being American and her Burmese.
With that background established: Around 10 months ago, nearing the end of her pregnancy, I was faced with an issue. She was looking to me to provide financially so that she could be a mother with nothing else to worry about. I was up for the challenge and had promised her that I would handle it.
Then I lost my job. After that, scrambling to find a new one, I chose to work for a sales company that highly promotes earning potential. Panicked, I poured my heart and soul into this job to no avail, and constantly came up short on income. I made just enough to pay the big bills, but that was all.
Since that absolute struggle, she had our child and completed her masters degree. With that achievement, she received much better job offers than I, so we agreed that I would be a stay at home dad. Unbeknownst to me, she was holding a deep resentment towards me.
She claims that she has never relied or depended on someone before and since I didn’t prevail with my work, it ruined her view of me as a potential provider. No matter how hard I work at things, or what position I put myself in, she says she will never forgive herself for making the mistake of trusting me. She has a very black and white, all or nothing way of doing things. It’s worth noting that she struggles with borderline personality disorder as well.
I’m at a loss. I love her and my daughter with my entire being. All I want is an opportunity to make it up to her, to show her I can provide and redeem my past mistakes. She plans to move out in the summer. Not because she doesn’t love me back, but because she cannot even dream of me having what she wants as a man.
Before anyone suggests it, I have offered many times to work 2 jobs. She doesn’t care. I’m a weirdo and have honestly dreamed of having a wife and kids since I was a child. I’m so deathly afraid of my family splitting up and losing the woman I love. Please help me.
Tldr; I couldn’t provide enough financially when my baby was born, my fiancé refused to let me make it up to her and move past it. Don’t know how to save my family from separation. What do I do to restore the trust? (Apologies, the post kept getting deleted). Edit to clarify similar questions:
My company did mass layoffs which is what caused me to lose my job. Went from making $100,000 a year to a fraction of it. It was a really crushing blow. I didn’t have any savings due to other life circumstances that don’t apply here.
Thank you all for taking your time to respond to this. It seems I’m already aware of the problems and the outcomes. I’m just devastated and am facing a huge fear. I just wanted some outside perspective. I don’t believe I did anything wrong and that life happens. I’m also aware that she has unrealistic expectations and is abandoning me as a partner instead of working things out. All I want is the peace of mind from knowing I can keep my family together. I’d work myself to d**th for it.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
armchairdetective − This is a job for a therapist.
taphin33 − No context matters aside from the BPD – she’s splitting. Reality doesn’t get through to a BPD person who is splitting, you’re all good or all bad and it’s entirely based on how they feel about you – which is linked to their perceived sense of threat/reliability.
It’s clear the other commentators don’t know the realities of living with a BPD family member because they’re trying to ascribe the normal rules of society and interpersonal relationships to this one, which is disordered. Try posting in a BPD sub instead, or a support sub for partners and family members.
Protect your paternity rights to be an involved father to your child but otherwise, mental health is hard and being partnered to someone with severe trauma is challenging. You can’t control her behavior aside from offering support. Make sure you’re protecting yourself and your child first. Counseling might help but only with a DBT-informed counselor well-versed in BPD otherwise, it’ll cause more harm than good.
jdf1993 − I’m really sorry for what you is happening to you but there is no easy answer. You can’t do anything about this a part of doing what you are doing and let it go. You are looking to be a provider,
you even proposed to have 2 jobs and if she still wants to leave you because you lost your job and couldn’t complete her financial fantasies a few months ago… idk, it sounds like someone with whom I would not like to be because in a relationship you should support each other when you need it.
TechSmith6262 − I mean this is the most likely result of trying to play trad lifestyle in the year 2024. This is usually why people recommend getting established, getting your life together, cohabiting, THEN marrying, THEN trying for a child.
Unfortunately you did step 3 first so you have a child with someone who you’ve now finally accepted, isn’t all that nice of a person. You need couple’s counseling like yeaterday.
MermaidTailBlanket − I don’t think this is a matter of trust. I think there’s a huge clash of values that didn’t come up early enough; I know it’s pointless to you now, but I do have to stress that this is why it’s very important to be very clear about each other’s values and long term expectations before life commitment.
For your situation now, I would advise you to consider couple’s counseling; hopefully she’s open to it. In the meantime, start coming to terms with the fact that this may not work out;
make an appointment with a legal professional so that you are at least aware of where you stand legally. You’ve done nothing wrong; it sounds like she was looking for a different kind of partner to begin with.
timotheo −
OP: “She has a very black and white, all or nothing way of doing things.”
me: “oi! Sounds like she could be BPD”
OP: “It’s worth noting that she struggles with borderline personality disorder as well.”
Me: “you could have led with that”
I know how magnetic and attractive borderline personalities can be, I’ve experienced them multiple times, in personal and work relationships, I get it. I don’t want to advise you to skip the part about making it up to a BPD and get to the “how are you going to keep your daughter in your life”, but in my experience, that’s what it feels like.
BPD individuals have their own deeply felt logic about who has betrayed them and who they can trust. It’s very not rational. I’m sorry you’re in this position. I wish had better comments or questions, but your situation is hard and, from my experience, only going to get harder.
DramaticBush − Honestly dude you deserve better. Part of a good relationship is helping and supporting each other when you need it. This is gonna s**k really bad but she sounds like a horrible person.
One_and_only4 − Unless you did something to lose your original job, that isn’t your fault. Even after that, you tried to get another one to provide for the family. Partners are supposed to be there for each other no matter what but unfortunately that’s not the case here. If she’s already said she’s moving out, there isn’t much you can do honestly expect continue to show her the type of person you are. Do what you can to provide or take care of your child.
InsecureGirlJKImDope − How did you even start dating her? Honestly, I have a brother with amongst other BPD and he is the shittiest person I know that can’t keep a relationship to save his life. Also, I am super grateful for those women leaving him one by one.
Not putting all BPDs in one pot, just my experience.. She sounds terrible. Condescending and arrogant and m**ipulative. Frankly there’s no answer here. Better consult a therapist.
Nukegm426 − She sounds toxic frankly. You didn’t quit for no reason or just lounge on the couch. You lost your job and put everything into trying to get another one but that failed too. The fact she’s holding you accountable for things you can’t control is just wrong.
Dealing with high expectations in relationships, especially regarding finances, can be tough. Have you ever been in a similar situation where a partner’s trust was broken, or you felt unable to meet expectations? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts below!