Fiancé won’t budge on his family Christmas traditions to work with mine?
A Reddit user shared their frustration over holiday conflicts with their fiancé, who refuses to compromise on his family’s traditions to create new ones as a couple. The user has sacrificed her preferred quieter holiday traditions to join his family’s lively celebrations but feels hurt by his dismissal of her wishes. Can they find a balance that respects both sides? Read the full story below to weigh in.
‘ Fiancé won’t budge on his family Christmas traditions to work with mine?’
My fiancé (M, 28) and I (F, 29) have been together for 3.5 years. I grew up in a family with 4 kids and my parents have been married for 34 years. Our extended family is really small (I only have 4 younger cousins) and lives back home on the east coast where I’m from.
So I was used to doing Christmas just the 6 of us (my parents and siblings) for the majority of my life. Some of my best memories are just relaxing at home with them, eating my mom’s amazing food, watching movies, and opening gifts. We would also get dressed up and go to church on Christmas morning. My parents don’t drink either, so for me family time has never involved alcohol, unlike my fiancé’s family.
My fiancé only has one sibling and his parents are divorced but still good friends. He has four cousins on his mom’s side, and they all have significant others, so it’s about 20 of us. Every Christmas Eve their tradition is to get together at one of their homes in the early afternoon and they do an Italian feast and drink a lot and play games.
These parties will literally last until 2 or 3 AM., which leaves no room to do anything else for the night of Christmas Eve, which is not what I like. My fiancé and I have spent every Christmas Eve since we’ve been together with his mom’s side for that party, because what he prefers for holidays is being surrounded by his family and partying with them.
This has always seemed like a touchy subject I have tried to not complain about because I know it makes him happy so I just go along with it. So far our plan is to still attend the party this year on Christmas Eve.
On Christmas Day, the past few years we have opened gifts with his mom in the morning, then gone to his dad’s side to celebrate with them and open gifts. My parents moved out of town about 1.5 years ago, so we aren’t even able to do anything with them for Christmas unless they’re in town.
In my ideal world, my fiancé and I would only go to his mom’s side’s Christmas Eve for dinner for a few hours and then leave and do our own little traditions. On Christmas Day this year, we were originally going to travel to New York to see my family, but ultimately decided to stay in town and save money on traveling.
So my alternative was he and I could spend all of Christmas Day together just us, since we would be with HIS family for most of Christmas Eve. It’s our first Christmas in our new house and first Christmas being engaged. I wanted to at least have some special time for us as a couple for Christmas because it’s my favorite holiday. And relaxing at home opening gifts, eating good food, watching Christmas movies… it may not sound like much but I love it.
My fiancé originally sounded excited at the idea of us doing that together, but he is now telling me that that would be “boring” and doesn’t sound fun to him to “sit around at home all day when we have the whole week off of work to have alone time”.
He also said that my family christmases sound l**e and at his family’s they “actually have fun”. I took that personally because I would HOPE that my fiancé would be excited to spend Christmas Day with just me and try to create our own traditions, and having alcohol/partying involved shouldn’t be the determining factor for “fun”.
I pointed out that I’ve already made a lot of sacrifices with my preferred holiday traditions in order to appease him, and he said he didn’t care. That made me even more upset. Sorry this post if so long, TLDR I’m just asking for some neutral advice because my family doesn’t live here anymore and I only have one friend in the area so I’m not sure how to handle this.
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
BrokenPaw − The biggest problem here is not that you and he don’t specifically see eye to eye on what you want to do for Christmas. The *biggest* problem here is that instead of saying “It’s not for me”, he has chosen to actively denigrate your family’s traditions.
Tell me: in your three-and-a-half years of being together, that when one of you wants something and the other wants something else…is this the *only* time that he has been insulting, dismissive, and derogatory of the thing that you want? Or has it happened more than once?
How often in your three-and-a-half years of being together, when the two of you want to *do* different things, does he say “Let’s do the thing that *you* want?” Does he do that frequently, or when you and he want to do different things, do you “compromise” by doing what he wants?
Elegant-Rectum − pointed out that I’ve already made a lot of sacrifices with my preferred holiday traditions in order to appease him, and he said he didn’t care. I mean, you have already brought it up to him and he has already told you he doesn’t care what you want. You have your answer already. Are you prepared to live your whole entire life with a husband who doesn’t care? If so, good luck to you.
trytryagainn − He said he didn’t care. This is a stop sign. You should end the relationship. And I know commenters get a lot of flack for jumping to this as a conclusion but the man literally said he doesn’t care! He doesn’t care about what you want or what you have given up or what you think. He doesn’t respect you. It will get worse after marriage. Sorry, OP.
sweadle − \ He also said that my family christmases sound l**e and at his family’s they “actually have fun”. I took that personally because I would HOPE that my fiancé would be excited to spend Christmas Day with just me and try to create our own traditions, and having alcohol/partying involved shouldn’t be the determining factor for “fun”.
There are so many ways to compromise here. Split the day between families, do one year with his one year with yours. The issue is that he’s saying that he doesn’t expect to compromise in a marriage. He sees himself as the main character. Of COURSE you would want to go to his families.
He’s not realizing that it might be boring for you, because it’s not your family and your traditions and your memories. And of course going to your family is less fun for him. But it’s more fun for you.
If he can’t see that, he lacks empathy in a way that would worry me. Because you’re not married yet, so these are some of the first real compromises you may have had to make. But it could extend to other things. Imagine you have a kid, and he sees it as a huge sacrifice to have to get up in the middle of the night because he needs sleep, but he doesn’t think anything of you doing it.
Imagine the kid being sick, and someone needing to stay home from work, and he thinks he really needs to go into work because his career is important, and just assuming you are fine staying home.
Talk to him about you going to his family IS a sacrifice to you. It’s not as fun for you as it is for him, because it’s not getting to see your family, and do your traditions, and your memories of Christmas. And so all you’re asking is that he make the same sacrifice you are already making. If his response continues to be “sacrifices are for you to make, not for me” then put the wedding on pause.
ndanilyan − Wow, he sounds like a self centered piece of work. This is a tough situation even though it absolutely shouldn’t be. He should be able to see the sacrifices you made for him and be willing to do the same for you. Christmas is about being with loved ones in many different ways.
It may be a bit heart breaking but I think you should follow your own traditions, even if you have to do it alone. Love yourself just as hard as you love him. More, even. You deserve to be happy how you want to be
floridorito − He also said that my family christmases sound l**e and at his family’s they “actually have fun” I always raise an eyebrow at people who believe *their* family’s get-togethers are fun, while others’ s**k. To whom? Anyway, an \*extremely\* common compromise is that couples alternate years.
One xmas, one person chooses what they’ll do (go to his/her family; stay home together by themselves; go on a vacation together somewhere). The next year, the other person chooses.
My fiancé and I have spent every Christmas Eve since we’ve been together with his mom’s side for that party, because what he prefers for holidays is being surrounded by his family and partying with them. This has always seemed like a touchy subject I have tried to not complain about because I know it makes him happy so I just go along with it.
He’s always gotten his way in the past, seemingly without any objection, so it’s not completely surprising that he’s resisting now. My fiancé originally sounded excited at the idea of us doing that together, but he is now telling me that that would be “boring” and doesn’t sound fun to him to “sit around at home all day when we have the whole week off of work to have alone time”.
How likely is it that you two would be spending that whole week together? If my fiancé told me that spending time with me would be boring, I’d take that as a sign that our relationship is not likely to go the distance. You’re not even married yet, and the idea of spending a holiday with you is “boring.” His relatives (whom he’s known even longer) are \*not\* boring, but you are? How is that not insulting and offensive?
I pointed out that I’ve already made a lot of sacrifices with my preferred holiday traditions in order to appease him, and he said he didn’t care. He is the only person who counts in this relationship. His way is the default, so it doesn’t matter if it involves a sacrifice for you. I bet if he were to spend even one xmas with your family, you’d never hear the end of his benevolent sacrifice.
MarzipanJoy-Joy − This dude doesn’t care about you at all. He literally told you, to your face. He has no intention of ever hanging out with your family, he doesn’t care how you feel, what you think, what you want. This is what youre in for, for the rest of your relationship. You will do what he wants, period. He sucks. I’m sorry. But you deserve someone who sees you and cares about you. This is not the one.
gunshotmouthwound − Welcome to the rest of your life.
IceBlue − He sees you as an accessory not a partner.
Previous-Artist-9252 − I grew up in a family where Christmas Eve was similar to your fiancé’s family tradition: after Mass, about 25 people would gather and eat and enjoy each other’s company until 2-3am. Christmas Day was quieter and spent primarily with closer family and focused around spending time with family.
So I don’t really see your traditions as being in conflict. I just want to put that out there. I am not sure why you want to only spend an hour or two at Christmas Eve? The point of having a whole night event is to spend that time together – same as your family spent all of Christmas Day together, not just 9am – 11am.
Many adults continue the traditions they grew up in with their families of origin as adults, particularly if those families remain in the same area. That’s to be expected. If you want to develop your own traditions with your fiancé, that is a reasonable desire. But “we will just stay at home” is not much of a tradition.
I would choose carefully what food you will cook and consume, which movies you will watch, etc so you are cultivating an actual tradition and not “just not your family’s thing even if it’s doing nothing,” which tbh sounds more like a r**ection of his family than developing your own traditions. And if you just don’t want to spend time with his family? You’d better hash that out before the wedding.
Do you think the fiancé’s reluctance to compromise is fair, or should he make an effort to create traditions with his partner? How would you balance differing family holiday traditions in a relationship? Share your thoughts and experiences below!