Fiancé (35M) Has Big Reactions to “Discussions” With Me (34F)

A Reddit user shared their struggle with their fiancé’s pattern of extreme reactions during serious discussions. While addressing his drinking habits,

a history of broken promises and emotional shutdowns leaves the user questioning whether they’re handling the situation correctly or if the issues run deeper. Read the full story below for a deeper understanding of their concerns.

‘ Fiancé (35M) Has Big Reactions to “Discussions” With Me (34F)’

Hi everyone! I’m just curious to know if anyone else has dealt with extreme reactions from their partner. I don’t mean anything a**sive, but I mean when you express something to them that they respond in a way that seems bigger than it should.

An example of this is that my partner got blackout drunk at one point, and I completely lost track of him for an entire evening and morning while he was away. This has actually been a massive issue for us throughout the relationship, and I won’t really go into that,

but some things have happened that have left me feeling really uncomfortable and hurt while he’s drunk. When he returned back from his trip, he promised that he would no longer drink at all and seemed quite sincere.

Fast forward two months and I noticed that he was beginning to order drinks with dinner and he was going to the store to buy alcohol weekly. I asked him if everything was OK/ was he feeling stressed lately — he said he was fine and asked why I asked. I said I know that you wanted to stop drinking so just wanted to check in.

He then responded by getting up from the couch, dumping out the drink in his hand, dumping out all of the beers in the fridge, all of the alcohol in the cabinets and then said he was going to bed. I asked him if he was upset and if we could talk about it and he said no,

he didn’t want to feel judged anymore and he was just going to quit drinking for good. That made me feel so guilty but that is only one instance of him saying something and then getting quiet when I ask if everything is ok. Is it actually me? Should I just not say anything? He has a tendency to say he’s “stopping things” and then doesn’t.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Gonebabythoughts −  I think your blind spot here is that your fiancé is a functional a**oholic who won’t admit that he has a problem and gaslights you into thinking you’re the issue.. (You’re not.)

rosephase −  He’s struggling with addiction. That comes with a lot of shame for people. He throws a big dramatic fit and blames you for what he supposedly wants for himself, because he can’t calmly and personally address all that shame. I wouldn’t expect it to suddenly magically get better.

anonymouse278 −  I agree with the other comments about this being a**oholism. But also, in a general sense, when people give you massively disproportionate negative reactions to bringing up your concerns or problems, they are trying to train you to stop doing that.

If someone doesn’t *technically* ask or tell you to stop doing something, but they create a giant scene every time you do… they are trying to extinguish that behavior without being open about it.

He can say in this instance that he never told you to stop talking to him about his drinking… but he sure made it clear that it’s going to be an exhausting Whole Big Thing every time you do.

ErnestBatchelder −  Go to al-anon. You don’t have to fully join, just jump online, find a zoom meeting and listen to people describe their lives married to alcoholics. You will relate to many stories, I promise you.

The issue here isn’t the “big reactions” — those are the symptoms of the root cause which is his a**oholism. If he’s temporarily not drinking for periods but not doing anything to get himself help (therapy, 12-step, some kind of professional treatment) he’s still an a**oholic who is just on pause between drinks.

Ladyughsalot1 −  “He’s not a**sive”. Really? Because you’re not allowed to hold him accountable in the gentlest possible ways. Because whatever he did that hurt you or made you uncomfortable in the past when he was drunk was most likely a**sive.  It doesn’t stop being abuse because addiction is involved. 

MixWitch −  If he has been a bad partner when he is drinking and he continues to drink, then he is choosing to be a bad partner. He values having a drink more than being a good partner to you. That is not a small thing. Value your peace more than you value his, cause he isn’t valuing you at all.

I’ve seen too many relationships in my life where the a**oholic partner gets chance after chance to shape up and they will not do it, not without truly admitting they have a problem and going to rehab or AA. You can’t love an addict into sobriety. They have to want sobriety more than they want the addiction.

Don’t marry an addict and expect things to get better just because you spent money on a wedding and signed a piece of paper. Put that on hold until he can truly fix himself. And if that doesn’t look likely, it is time to cut him loose.

Incognito0925 −  This is a**oholism. And he’s stuck in the guilt-shame-cycle. He is also trying to put you into the bad guy role. Watch Put The Shovel Down on YouTube and find out what signs to look for and how not to get pushed into the bad guy role. Also go to AlAnon meetings. Best of luck!

geekspice −  Your fiance is an a**oholic. It only gets worse from here. Even if he gets into recovery, which it doesn’t sound like he is planning to do, the first few years can be extremely difficult. And any stressful life event has the propensity to give him an excuse to start drinking again. Ask yourself if this is what you want your life to be like.

angry_manatee −  He’s an a**oholic. Alcoholics will react strongly and negatively when confronted about their drinking.

bubbly_opinion99 −  Don’t be fooled OP, his reaction to your curiosity and interest in his inner world is not healthy. Him dumping everything out and going to bed is actually avoidance of being vulnerable and honest with you.

The action may appear like he’s doing something good (getting rid of the alcohol aka the problem) but that’s smoke and mirrors. The real issue is _why_ he’s leaning on alcohol and why he _won’t talk to you about it_. Proceed with caution OP.

Many people are focusing on him being an a**oholic, but when you peel back the layers of addiction, there’s a root cause. Whether he’s escaping or suppressing issues and emotions and what are the reasons, he’s impulsive and doesn’t want to think about things, maybe there’s trauma and he’s not processing or regulating properly etc.

This is a difficult situation to be in because one partner (you) demonstrate that you care and want to reach him and understand him, but he’s doing the opposite and running away or shutting down.

What happens is then, you become the only one doing all of the emotional labor and taking on all the emotional burden of what should be an equal or at least reciprocal partnership. This is how resentment and bitterness starts.

This is how communication breaks down to a point where nobody can even talk to each other anymore without it escalating into a full blown fight. This is how one partner is always anxious and starts lashing out and how the other partner (usually the avoidant one) starts shifting blame because they resent discussing any issue and make you, the problem instead.

I don’t know if he’s open to it, perhaps writing a letter as corny as that sounds might work. Instead of trying to talk to him and if he’s a very reactive person, he may not receive what you say well.

With a note or letter it skips the real time confrontation and he can read it and digest it on his own time. Maybe send him some links about healthy and collaborative communication. There’s some great sources on YT and IG.. Good luck.

Do you think the Reddit user’s concerns about her fiancé’s extreme reactions are justified? How would you approach sensitive topics with a partner who struggles to communicate openly? Share your thoughts below!