Do I (F40) break up my 11 year marriage to my husband (M39) because of Christmas?

A woman (40F) is struggling with whether to end her 11-year marriage to her husband (39M) due to ongoing conflicts over Christmas traditions. While she treasures the warm, family-oriented holidays of her childhood, her husband rigidly insists on celebrating Christmas the way he grew up, citing suspected autism as the reason he can’t compromise.

Her efforts to create a joyful, shared holiday experience often leave her in tears, feeling unsupported and isolated, though their children seem content with the current arrangements.

‘ Do I (F40) break up my 11 year marriage to my husband (M39) because of Christmas?’

I (F40) have been married to my husband (M39) for 11 years we have 3 children. The relationship is mostly good, but we’ve had some strained times that have taken some working through. My biggest issue currently though is Christmas. I have such happy memories of family Christmas’ growing up.

I loved Christmas with my family, we sang, we played games, we ate. Christmas morning was always slow, involved church, preparing (this was a whole family activity) and eating Christmas dinner, then gifts, films/games/songs and Christmas tea all followed.

My husbands Christmas’ growing up has many of the same ingredients, Gifts, TV, Christmas Dinner, but he’s told me all the gifts were opened before breakfast then they played with their gifts and didn’t interact much after that.

Over the years of our relationship I’ve never felt like I’ve had a Christmas like I did growing up with my husband. Most of them I’ve been reduced to tears each Christmas eve/ and or Christmas dad. He suspects he’s autistic and anything other than what he grew up with is a problem.

If it’s not what he ate for breakfast growing up as a kid, it’s not Christmas. If I want the kids to wait to open presents so we can all be present it’s a problem. If I ask for help making Christmas Dinner it’s unreasonable, because he wants to spend time with the kids (and his mother always cooks),

If I cook any of the 2 vegetables he bothers to eat, I’ve ruined it for everyone. If I suggest playing a game I’m told not to bother the kids because they want to look at there new toys (even when they’ve asked to play a new board game they got). I want to watch a Christmas film I end up watching it by myself.

I’ve tried talking to him about compromises over they years, but I’ve got no where. The past couple of years I’ve given up even trying because I’m too tired to argue with “I’m autistic, I can’t deal with it any other way”.

My mother tried to speak to him about it after witnessing me in tears on Christmas day for years, now he goes around bitching because she doesn’t understand how Autism works. I am now at a point where I am dreading Christmas, it always seems to end up with me upset and disappointed.

In his defence, the kids don’t know to expect anything different to what I have written and they seem happy, I just know that a family Christmas can be so much more. It seems stupid to break up a marriage over a couple of days, but I have thought about it. I just can’t see a way forward for things to improve.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

goodbye-toilet-cat −  Is it about Christmas or is it about your husband being a selfish my-way-or-the-highway a**hole? And how selfish and inappropriate of him is it to pretend to have autism to justify being a selfish my-way-or-the-highway a**hole? When’s the appointment with his doctor to discuss testing?

Unlikely-Impact7766 −  My spouse and I are both autistic and grew up very differently. You know what we do at Christmas? Combine traditions. We’ve done it every year we’ve spent Christmas together. Under zero circumstances is dude allowed to use his suspected autism as an excuse to do whatever he wants while you’re reduced to tears year after year after year.

peakpenguins −  He’s using autism as an excuse to act like a selfish, inconsiderate j**k.

Softbombsalad −  I doubt he’s autistic. I think he’s just a s**tty spoiled a**hole, grasping at excuses. 

misstiff1971 −  There is a big difference between autistic and an a**hole.

Specialist-Web7854 −  I wouldn’t be cooking any dinner for this man at all. You’re not a Christmas servant. If he wants dinner his way, he knows where the kitchen is.

Thin_Night1465 −  If he’s actually autistic: tell him to find a list of the strategies that autistic people use to cope with changes to their routines, and you’ll be happy to support him by choosing a few to implement and try. Otherwise, you may need to do Christmas your way and have him go to his mother’s.

But also, hon, “he’s not the boss of you”? If you want to play a game and he doesn’t, just tell him “the kids and I are playing a game. I’d like you to join” and let him join or not. You’re not going to get your childhood Christmas though. This is a different family – not his parents’ and not your parents’.

Build your own traditions with your kids. And tell your husband that autistic adults often work with therapists to help them manage the kinds of stress he’s describing, so you’ll support him going but Christmas is going to have a blend of both of your traditions, not only his own.

(If he’s not autistic, the same methods apply, but you still look like you’re helping).

UsuallyWrite2 −  “He suspects he’s autistic” is a b**lshit cop out. I “suspect” he’s a d**k. But I also don’t understand why your version of Xmas (which sounds exhausting, not fun at all to me) is what has to be done any more than I understand why it has to be all his way.

If this is truly the only time you two have conflict (which i cannot imagine to be the case), then I think it would be a ridiculous reason to divorce. If it’s always his way else “because I might autistic” then I’d say couples counseling else a divorce.

BatmansOtherHalf −  His autism doesn’t stop him doing anything. He’s an adult not a kid and is just being a selfish j**k. Tell him sort his s**t out or he can pack and leave and you and the kids will do what you and they want for a change.

LaLunaDomina −  Why does he unilaterally get to dictate your life? What does that look like to your kids? How has he gotten you to believe that possible autism is a justification for controlling every aspect of a shared holiday? How is this possibly sustainable??