Divorcing My Wife After She Gave Birth to a Child That Isn’t Mine, But Concerned About My Kids and Their New Half-Sister

A man shared his emotional turmoil after discovering that his wife’s newborn daughter, whom he had been raising as his own, is not his biological child. The baby is the result of his wife’s affair, and the situation has led to the man initiating divorce proceedings.

Despite their separation, they are still living together for the time being due to practical reasons. The father expressed concern about how the racial dynamics might affect his young children as they grow older, particularly the possibility of them resenting their half-sister and developing racist views. He’s unsure how to guide them through this difficult family situation.

‘ Divorcing My Wife After She Gave Birth to a Child That Isn’t Mine, But Concerned About My Kids and Their New Half-Sister’

A month ago, my wife gave birth to a black baby girl. We’re both white, so she was forced to admit that the child was a result of a one night stand last year.
I’ve started divorce proceedings, although we’re still living together for now.

Between our two boys(aged 2 and 4, I’ve had paternity tests for them and they came back positive), her infant daughter and her having lost her job due to COVID, living together as amicably as possible until the divorce is settled is an unfortunate necessity.

Naturally I have no ill will towards the baby, and I’ve been disgusted by some of the comments I’ve heard from family members, friends, coworkers and others, all who seem to be fixated on the racial angle of this. As if the most salient part of this isn’t that my wife cheated,

but that she cheated with a BLACK man and that the baby is BLACK. What really worries me is that my two sons might pick up on these narratives. They’re too young to really understand what’s happening now,

but I’m worried that as they grow to understand the situation that they might grow to resent their half-sister for “breaking up their parents marriage”. And worse that their resentment might express itself in a r**ist fashion, under the influence of the aforementioned r**ist narratives.

Any thoughts on how I should try to influence my son’s away from that perspective? It probably doesn’t help that we live in a suburb with very few black people and their half-sister is really the only black person my children know.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

xanderblaze123 −  Hmmm I’m no parent, but I think telling the boys to love their sister no matter what, would do the situation some good. Or at least to keep that message consistent through their upbringing.

chi_lawyer −  [Text of original comment deleted for privacy purposes.]

chaoticneutralhobbit −  I’ll tell you what my dad did and you can use the info as you will: he invited my little brother, who was not his child, along with me to stay during the weekend. My brother wasn’t the product of infidelity or anything, he’s just my half brother. My stepdads son.

But I didn’t know for a while because my dad brought him along to the museums, and the water parks, and the movies, etc. pretty much anytime I was at his place, my little brother was too, and he never complained.

He loved my brother. So that’s an option. You can have the baby come with your sons occasionally, make sure they’re treating her okay, and be an example for his to treat their sister.

Mindtaker −  OOF my dude. Shits rough. Right now you have a really good r**ist a**hole detector in that young lady. Since she is likely going to face racism her entire life, I think its your job and your ex wifes job, to make it clear any comments regarding race are going to be loudly and publicly called out.

You will have to have a zero tolerance policy for racism and you are now going to have to clearly and constantly call it out, forever. Gotta set the example for your boys and for the little lady that racism has no place in this family.

The boys cant be influenced by r**ist undertones if you don’t f**king tolerate r**ist undertones. Kids don’t care about race, they learn about it from racists. So you are going to have to cut a lot of people out of your life, because you are about to learn how many closet racists you are friends and family with,

and you NO LONGER get to be friends or family with those people moving forward. The only way its going to affect your family is if you and your ex allow it to. It will never be because they heard someone be r**ist, it will be because they heard someone be r**ist and you didn’t do anything about it.

Thats how they will learn that. Also, I am a co-parent of a cheating exwife as well bud, Its been a decade, he will never know she cheated on me, why would he need to know that? How would your boys ever know your family was “Broken up” if thats not the narrative you present to them.

My ex didn’t cheat on my son, she cheated on me, she is a good mom, she loves the kid, so he will never need to know why we didn’t stay together, its irrelevant. All of my family knows they don’t ever get to say s**t, because I made it clear I am not a s**t slinging a**hole.

The kid comes first, and that means my ex and I are a united front, and co-parents. So no one will be saying a negative thing about my kids mom. We had our issues and we split and the reason is no ones business. I cut out ANY family and friends that spoke ill of his mother. ZERO TOLERANCE.

The kids should never pay a price for your wifes mistakes. If you co parent properly there is no issues with the kid. Like I said we split when he was 2, he is almost 11 now and he is a well adjusted kid who knows both is parents love him, we just aren’t together.

He will never know she cheated, its irrelevant. Same with your situation. When they get older will they put 2 and 2 together? Maybe, but you don’t have to go into detail about it. In the end like I said, the only way your kids will be influence by racism is if you tolerate racism.

If you ONLY call out r**ist comments, and r**ist attitudes and show your kids that s**t isn’t ok, then they are never going to think its ok. So you are gonna lose a few friends, and maybe family and they will be racists and not worthwhile anyways.

Your ex and you have to deal with s**t a couple white folks usually ignore and don’t deal with and you don’t get to do that anymore. Now you have to be vocal allies and call it out EVERYTIME and set that example.

NotPiffany −  I’ve been disgusted by some of the comments I’ve heard from family members, friends, coworkers and others, all who seem to be fixated on the racial angle of this. As if the most salient part of this isn’t that my wife cheated, but that she cheated with a BLACK man and that the baby is BLACK.

Look these people straight in the eye and ask them if they would have been ok with your wife’s cheating if she had slept with a blonde-haired, blue-eyed white man. Also, if you can at all avoid it, don’t leave your kids alone with any of these people. You’ll need to be there to tell them “stop talking about my kids’ sister like that.”

jammyhuds −  Firstly, I’m really sorry about saying this but holy crap, this must have been so f**king awkward when the baby came out, it’s like a scene from a comedy movie, the doctors/nurses must have felt so bad. Now that’s over with, if you really want just treat the child like you would any other child she had after you broke up.

alloutalove −  Im sorry to hear that youre going through a divorce firstly. Secondly… Your children wont even bother with the fact. my Oldest daughter is also darker.. i met my now Ex wife already 6 months pregnant. Our second daughter.. never questioned the differences until.. 9 or 10 and all we said was my oldest had a different Dad but I Was her dad.. you know.

And if youre worried about your r**ist family rubbing off their beliefs to your children.. well there is NO Law.. that says they must be a part of their lives… that’s 1million % up to you. 🤷‍♂️

SmokedGoy336 −  Dude your wife is trash. Kick her ass out. She deserves no sympathy. And the reason the racial angle matters is because she NEVER would have told you it happened if the kid wasn’t dark. What a rotten woman. She doesn’t deserve anything from you. If you want to help your kids, fight for full custody.

KombuchaEnema −  Yeesh, imagine if the kid wasn’t clearly a different race. You never would’ve known the kid wasn’t yours and you would’ve been shamed for even considering a paternity test (since that’s a cardinal sin).

You will have to avoid showing resentment toward your wife and her daughter in front of your kids. But even then they will eventually be adults who can form their own opinions.

Unusual-Leadership17 −  Tell and show you boys constantly that it is right to love their sister. Tell and show your boys that it is ok to shut down bigoted remarks about their sister, even when those remarks are coming from family. Don’t tolerate people making those comments around you or your boys.

Let your boys know that it’s right to still love their mother. Young children tend to internalize blame when there are family troubles. Tell your boys clearly that Dad and Mom are having problems right now, but it is not their fault and it is not their sisters fault.

Assure them consistently that you love them and that’s not changing. I’m a child of divorced parents myself. I was an adult before I knew the cause of their divorce. My entire childhood all I knew was they both loved me and it was ok to love them and my stepparents when they remarried.

The friends I know who had the hardest time with divorce were the ones who felt – thru intentional or unintentional actions of their parents – that they were being disloyal by loving the other parent.

I’m sorry this is happening to you and your family. It sounds like you are trying to proceed with everyone’s best interest in mind. With a strong, loving, fair father your boys have a good example to follow.