Dad (62m) won’t spend Christmas with BIL (28m) and mum (60f) is blaming my wife (36f)?

A man is facing a difficult family situation after an argument at a family gathering between his wife, Kay, and his sister, Sarah, and her boyfriend, Steve. Steve made disrespectful comments about Kay’s grief over the loss of her best friend, leading to Kay confronting him in a calm but firm manner.

This caused a rift in the family, with some members siding with Kay and others, including the mother, blaming her for “ripping the family apart.” The man feels torn between supporting his wife and maintaining family peace, especially with the upcoming Christmas plans. He is unsure how to navigate the tension and ensure a peaceful resolution.

‘ Dad (62m) won’t spend Christmas with BIL (28m) and mum (60f) is blaming my wife (36f)?’

I’m married to Kay (36F) and we have a 4-year-old son, Jack. Recently, we had a family gathering at my parents’ house, and things escalated with my sister Sarah (27F) and her boyfriend Steve (28M). Steve has always been disliked by the family for his rude and obnoxious behavior, but things took a turn when he made hurtful remarks about Kay’s grief.

Kay’s best friend, Tess, passed away unexpectedly in 2021, and it’s been an incredibly difficult time for her. During the gathering, Kay went for a walk with my dad to clear her head, as it was the anniversary of Tess’s death.

Steve, not understanding the situation, questioned why he wasn’t included and even suggested that Kay should “get over it.” When Kay returned, she was calm, but Steve continued to be disrespectful, making a comment that everyone was “sick of hearing about it.”

That’s when Kay, instead of getting angry, calmly confronted him. She told him he was a toxic person and that everyone in the family couldn’t stand him. She also pointed out that despite Tess’s short life, she had made a greater impact on people than Steve ever would, and that her funeral was packed with people who loved her.

Afterward, my dad (62M) told Steve and Sarah they needed to leave, and the rest of the family, apart from my mum (60F), agreed with Kay. Kay apologized for the outburst, but she was only trying to stand up for herself and protect our family.

Since then, Sarah and Steve have demanded an apology from Kay or they won’t come to Christmas. I told Sarah that I wouldn’t ask Kay to apologize because I agreed with everything she said. The situation has caused a huge rift in the family.

My dad and grandad are now refusing to spend Christmas with Steve, while my mum wants Sarah and Steve there. This has led to a massive argument, and now my mum is blaming Kay for “ripping the family apart.” My dad has told her he’s not going to tolerate Steve anymore, and my mum is furious that he isn’t supporting Sarah and Steve.

Kay is willing to apologize to keep the peace, but I’ve told her she doesn’t need to because she’s right. The whole situation has left me feeling stuck between family loyalty and standing by my wife.

I’m not sure how to move forward or what steps we can take to ensure that we don’t have ongoing tension. How do we make it so we can spend time together without it becoming a constant source of conflict?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

whatsmypassword73 −  For things to be peaceful, both parties need to want it. Kay did nothing wrong, I wouldn’t ever spend another moment with Steve. I would let Sarah know I love her and will see her anytime, anywhere but I’ll never see Steve again. If you have one guest that basically wants to sh!t on the holiday table, there is no path forward with them.

hai04 −  Kay didn’t do anything wrong & she shouldn’t apologize. I’m shocked that your mom doesn’t see it that way but that’s her choice to spend the holidays separately. The relationship your sister is in is unhealthy and hopefully this will help her see it. When you’re right, as you are, you should stand firm.

EmceeSuzy −  I am so sorry that you have a ‘Steve’ in your life. Yes, I have dealt with a family situation where one family member, my mother-in-law in my case, insisted on including someone who treated everyone horribly. In this case, the bad behavior came from her own child rather than a romantic partner.

Your mother is the key to this issue and I urge you to stand firm. As reasonable people, both you and Kay will have the impulse to acquiesce because your mother is going to be very upset that everyone is not together.

Your mother will not try to tell Sarah or Steve that they must apologize or stay away from the family celebration because they are the unreasonable problematic people.

Instead, she will appeal to you, your wife, and your father because you are kind, gentle, and moral. Please stand up for yourself because if you waver this can go very wrong.

Putasonder −  You and everyone else in your family have already bent over backwards for *years* to get to a place where you can “be around each other amicably.” And that has led you to this place. I say this is where you stake your claim and set your defense.

I suggest you let Sarah know that you and Kay will never again, under any circumstances, be around Steve. That her choice to be around you or not is hers, but it will not include Steve. If he is present, you will be leaving. Tell your mother that she can tolerate all the rudeness, cruelty, and disrespect from this man that she wants.

But she can’t demand that you tolerate it, too. And since she is welcome to associate with and host anyone she wants, if she chooses to host this particular person, you will not be in attendance. And then obviously, you leave on the spot and without a word to him or Sarah or your mother if he shows up.

Good-bye isn’t necessary—they know why you’re leaving. I wonder if Sarah subconsciously fears that if he has no other targets, he might train his fire on her. Regardless, she can choose this man for herself but she can’t choose him for you.

fair_dinkum_thinkum −  I tolerated years of abuse victim my youngest sister, with everyone being afraid to speak up because she’s SO difficult to deal with.
Now I don’t talk to my family at all, and they still talk to her. They chose to be lazy and intimidated, and I chose not to tolerate abuse.

Kay chose to stop tolerating abuse. She has support of you and some of your family. That’s the way it should be. The abuser is the one tearing the family apart. The one who mistreats everyone and is tolerated on silence is tearing the family apart.

Those supporting the abuser “to keep the peace” are the ones tearing the family apart. The rest of you are creating a proper and healthy family unit for yourselves and Jack. You are modeling sting and healthy boundaries, a lack of tolerance for harmful behavior.

You are teaching your child how to protect himself from this type of person in the future, how to stand up to bullies. You are doing everything exactly right. Don’t cave to societal peer pressure of “family is always right” or “but do it for the family.”

Why don’t THEY do something for the family for once? Why don’t THEY make the compromise? It doesn’t always have to be you and Kay.

trishsf −  You’re basically asking how do you get Steve to be a kind, reasonable man who will work to get along with others. Within that, there’s nothing to be done. I’m so sorry but you can’t turn Steve into that man.

What he said was cruel, completely lacking in respect, sympathy and compassion. Kay apologizing would just amplify his opinion that he’s always right. It would embolden him.

Crunchy-Leaf −  Why is it always the person standing up for themselves “tearing the family apart” and never the a**hole who caused it?

pardonyourmess −  Your mom is the f**king problem here. Sarah is in an a**sive relationship, point blank. He only treats her well in front of everyone.. I lived this for two decades.

GotMySillySocksOn −  I wouldn’t want him near my kid after that outburst as he clearly hates Tess. I do think your mom has to face the reality of what has happened. Also, this is an old post about rocking the boat and family dynamics involved which is pretty good and should give you some insight into your mom who I do feel bad for. 

shelltrice −  I appreciate the pressure from you mom is hard, but she is wrong. Steve is a b**ly. As often is the case with people who are “just honest”, he is using his “honesty” to hurt people and enjoys seeing the pain and drama. Do not ask Kay to apologize. The only effective way to deal with a b**ly is for everyone to stick together.