Boyfriend has repeatedly “forgot” to get me Christmas and birthday gifts. He’s now upset because I don’t feel like getting pizza with him?
A Reddit user shared her frustrations about her boyfriend repeatedly neglecting to celebrate her birthday and Christmas thoughtfully, despite her clear communication about what she values in a gift. With his birthday approaching, she finds herself torn between honoring the day and feeling hurt by years of unmet expectations. Read the full story to see how she’s grappling with balancing her happiness and his in this challenging situation below.
‘ Boyfriend has repeatedly “forgot” to get me Christmas and birthday gifts. He’s now upset because I don’t feel like getting pizza with him?’
I (21F) have been dating my boyfriend (21 M) for a little over 4 years. The first year he was great about gifts and making me feel loved and remembered. After that I didn’t get anything. I would remind him months, weeks, and days (even the day before) before my birthday or Christmas.
Not once has he planned to take me anywhere, or bought a gift ahead of time. I have never unwrapped a birthday present from him. I usually get upset, obviously, and cry. Then we go out and he usually buys something that I pick out. I hate this. I have told him I hate this. I give him hints all year.
I straight up tell him what I want. Last year he bought me a silicone ring that wasn’t my size and was a pattern I didn’t like. He did not return it to get the size I wanted. So no gift. This year he just didn’t get me anything at all. Like 2 weeks after my birthday I saw a purse I wanted at a thrift store and he bought me that.
We aren’t super well off, but he spends hundreds of dollars a month on tools and parts to add onto his cars. He also spends money on video games and useless subscriptions he doesn’t use. I don’t want him to spend money on me.
Over the years I’ve told him repeatedly that my perfect birthday would be getting flowers, a handwritten note (hard on this because I love notes and he claims that he can’t write so that’s why he never does it), and then a dinner date. That’s literally it, I feel like it’s not crazy to ask for just that for my birthday. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just pity. But I’m so exhausted of this.
He works on his birthday in a couple days so we had planned to go to get pizza at his favorite spot after he had his first therapy appointment today. Therapy place is in the same town as the pizza place which is an hour away. Well we’re both sick so he canceled his therapy.
This morning I asked him “so we’re not going anywhere today? No plans?” And he confirmed that we didn’t. Now all of a sudden he’s really upset that we aren’t going to get pizza still. I’m obviously confused so I tell him I don’t really want to go because he doesn’t have therapy anymore, we’re both sick, and I don’t eat pizza. We’d also have to take my car as his needs new tires and the roads are snowy.
Now he’s in bed sulking because “going there for my birthday was the only thing I wanted.” Is that guilt tripping? Idk I’m too close to him to figure out if I’m overreacting or what I should do. I want to make him happy and celebrate his birthday like I always do. But I can’t let myself do it. I get emotional and sad every time I try to plan anything.
Another catalyst for this is that I live painting. LOVE IT. I’m really artistic and I have been trying to get him to join me in creating ANYTHING for the last four years. He never has. He’s refused painting, making ornaments, drawing, everything.
I have been really bothering him about it the last two weeks because I always humor him when he wants me to join him in helping with his cars. I am not mechanically gifted and it’s not the most fun for me, but I like spending time with him and seeing him do what he loves. I guess I need advice on how to get him more involved and what I should do about his birthday and Christmas.
I already have gifts picked out for both. What do I do? I don’t think I’d be happy if I blew him off on his birthday. I want to celebrate him. What’s the best way to make sure that I’m happy and he’s happy without being petty or vindictive?
Sorry this got so long: TLDR My boyfriend doesn’t make an effort for my birthday or Christmas and is upset that I don’t want to drive to get pizza days before his birthday while sick.
These are the responses from Reddit users:
Worth-Travel-8846 − Info: what does he bring to the relationship? What do you get from being with him that you don’t get on your own?
iseenyouwithkieffuh − He has demonstrated year after year, special occasion after special occasion, that he does not care about your feelings or what you want or making you feel special. The question is: why are you tolerating this? He does less than the bare minimum. You deserve better.
pdperson − Why do you want to be with a guy who makes no effort towards things you’d enjoy?
andromache97 − What gives you any indication that he will change? Like, you need to have a tiny bit of self-respect here. Be single for awhile. It’ll be ok.
TheSqueakyNinja − He’s told you every way he can that he doesn’t care about you for 3/4 of your relationship. What leads you to believe there is a magical thing you can say that he will understand suddenly now? He knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t care.
alc3880 − “and he claims that he can’t write so that’s why he never does it” and with that I would be out of that “relationship”.. dude is a dud.
GoingPriceForHome − Hun, why are you with a dude who adamantly refuses to take you out on dates, get you a gift or card for your birthday, will not participate in your hobbies, sits and pouts when you don’t want to go to a place you cannot AND while you’re sick, and is bad with money? It doesn’t sound like he values you or even really sees/knows you. And you deserve way better.
Geekberry − Girl, you’re with a man who claims he can’t write. What are you doing?
JellicoAlpha_3_1 − He doesn’t forget to get you birthday and christmas presents. He just doesn’t give a s**t
BlazingSunflowerland − “going there for my birthday was the only thing I wanted.” I’m giving you for your birthday the same thing you gave me for my birthday. Nothing. I know you love nothing so that’s what I’m giving you.
Do you think her frustrations are justified, or is there a middle ground where both partners could find happiness and connection? How would you navigate the balance of giving and receiving in a relationship? Share your insights and advice in the comments below!