AITA For Begging My Girlfriend To Uphold A Sexist Tradition Just So She Can Make A Good First Impression?
One man recently found himself caught between his family’s long-standing sexist expectations and his girlfriend’s understandable frustration.
His family has a tradition where women cook during family dinners, while the men don’t participate.
Knowing how poorly new partners are treated if they don’t follow this unwritten rule, he begged his girlfriend to go along with it just to make a good first impression.
Curious about what the girlfriend did? Scroll down!
‘AITA for begging my girlfriend to uphold a sexist tradition just so she can make a good first impression?’
I have a big family that’s incredibly close. We have big family dinners every few months where we all meet at my great grand fathers estate and eat together.
Typically how this works is that the women go cook for the time they’re there and the men don’t. Which I am fully aware it’s sexist as hell. That being said I am one of the youngest people in family and my protests mean literally nothing.
Some of those women choose not to cook, however this is usually met with a level of ostracizing. The women who don’t cook are lives and long term girlfriends.
So they kinda already have a good family relationship doctored in. When I have seen new partners not cook, it’s gone bad. Like completely ostracized, not speaking, cattiness, rudeness etc.
This dinner will be in two weeks and my girlfriend was asked if she would attend. Initially she said yes, which is great. I want for her to meet everyone and for everyone to get used to her being around, but when I explained to her the tradition she was understandably bothered.
I told her that I understood where she was coming from, however it was best for everyone if she just played along.
I told her this isn’t a permanent thing and that I am only asking her to do this so that she can avoid bad treatment from the rest of the family. This is her first impression and I don’t think it’s best if we cause waves.
She told me that it’s unacceptable and that if she has to do that she will not be going. I’ve tried to find a compromise with her on this but she won’t budge and she’s pissed at me.
She told me that if I think it’s acceptable to make her do this I’m just as bad as everyone else, while my point is that she needs to make a good first impression.
AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
WoosteringZeros says
YTA
“Why won’t my gf abandon her sense of self-respect so that she can establish herself as a subservient woman-tool so that my sexist family won’t mentally and verbally abuse her?! She just doesn’t get it!!”
AITAthrowaway1mil says
Protests are meaningless my ass. You know what OP could do? March into the fucking kitchen himself and help!
And if they tell him to go back, insist on helping! Break the barrier himself and implicitly shame the other men who haven’t!
That’s how a similar horrible dynamic broke in my family. When I was a kid, I noticed only the women prepped food and cleaned up, so I challenged my brother and father to help.
My aunt cleared my plate for me with a passive aggressive comment, and I was so distressed that my father has gotten up to help every year since then, and so has my brother. These ‘traditions’ aren’t set in stone.
Elegant-Drawing-4557 says
I have a similar story. I noticed on my mother’s side after a big family all the adult women would help the host (wife only of course) clean. As a young adult or late teen my mom decided to summon me to come help.
I grabbed my twin brother and male cousin and brought them into the kitchen. My mother told me ot was woman’s work but they stayed and helped. Guess what? That shit stopped happening.
xtrawolf says
So, I’m a woman and my family is like this. When my boyfriend (now husband) started coming around, it drove him crazy. He would start doing things like this.
Grandma: Xtrawolf please come help with the dishes.
Boyfriend: Oh let me help! Xtrawolf you stay here.
Grandma: Oh no honey, you’re a guest!
Boyfriend: already putting hands in soapy water and looking for a sponge
I bet you can guess how this turned out. The men of the family didn’t even notice he was gone. And every single woman in my family absolutely adores my husband, and comments that he must treat me so well.
They even tell my cousins, “You should get a boyfriend like him!” I am very much not the favorite in my family so it’s hilarious to me that all 3 of my grandmas are absolutely smitten.
Side note. I can tell you exactly why the women in your family resent other women who don’t labor in the kitchen with them. It’s because they want that freedom to relax a little too, and they’re jealous.
My best recommendation to you is to take your girlfriend to the kitchen, have her sit down and chat with your family, and YOU do some dishes or food prep work. That way she is not trying to socialize without you, her safe person, being around. And her “share” (although she should NOT have a share of the work!) is being covered by YOU.
I can’t believe you have to have it spelled out for you like this, but – YTA if you ditch her in the kitchen to work with strangers while you wander away to go shoot the shit with your male relatives without a care in the world!
SpeakerDelicious6315 says
“She told me that if I think it’s acceptable to make her do this I’m just as bad as everyone else, while my point is that she needs to make a good first impression.”
YTA. What about your family making a good first impression on HER and not expecting her to be an unpaid cook and servant?
What do you think? Share your thoughts down below!