AITA for asking my transsexual ex-wife to dress more appropriately?
Laura, who recently came out as a trans woman, has started embracing her identity with bold outfits. While this is important for her self-expression, it’s making her son feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, especially at school where he’s getting teased.
This puts his mother in a difficult spot because she wants to support Laura but also protect their son from feeling uncomfortable or singled out. Scroll down to read the story!
‘AITA for asking my transsexual ex-wife to dress more appropriately?’
My former husband (42) came out as a transsexual woman last year. As a male he had recently started to get into crossdressing but assured me it was just a fetish, so I was taken by surprise when he came out as he was always a very traditional, masculine guy. She (now Laura) has not started HRT yet but is living fulltime as a woman. Laura and I no longer live together but we share custody of my son (10).
Ever since I moved out and Laura has started living on her own, she has started to dress in extreme clothing. She’s gone from wearing relatively normal dresses and skirts to microminis, fishnets, big heels, the full nines, and bold makeup too. Laura is a tall woman (6’4 or so) so in the heels she is very visible and this is what had brought on my current issue.
I am fine with what Laura wants to wear privately but my son is having an extremely hard time with it, especially when it comes to her picking him from school or taking him out for food. Recently he had a breakdown over it and told me that it was so bad he didn’t even want to go to school anymore, and that everyone knew him as the “drag queens son”.
I tried to talk about this privately to Laura, but she gave me the cold shoulder over the phone. My son asked me to come out with him next meeting so we could bring it up together there. The moment she walked in all eyes were on us because of what she was wearing. People were obviously listening and when I gently tried to bring up the topic and explain how our son was feeling, Laura became incredibly loud and angry over it and accused me of feeding my son lines because I was jealous of her confidence.
To make matters worse, a table of nearby girls decided to join in and hurl abuse at me and tell me that I was a piece of shit for saying what I was. My son and I left in tears but Laura did not seem to give a single damn about how distraught he was and seemed to just be loving all the attention.
Ever since then I’ve been torn wondering if my own personal feelings are getting in the way of things and I was a bad person for asking Laura to tone things down, especially given she felt she had to repress herself for so many years. I’m extremely shaken by having a group of complete strangers step in and wonder if I’ve gotten old and out of touch. It just breaks my heart to see my son becoming so withdrawn and upset over this. AITA for speaking to my ex this way?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Reddit User – NTA. Wearing ‘drag queen’ attire to pick up your kid from school on a Tuesday afternoon is not appropriate.
Asking them to not over do it for your child’s sake is not ‘a piece of shit’ thing to do. You want to express yourself after years of self imposed suppression, great! However there’s no need to take your kid along for the ride too.
countrylemon – Laura is fucking selfish and neesd to take a step back before she starts RUNNING down the path away from a relationship with her son, she’s already been pushing him to the point of not being comfortable enough to talk to her about it, and now when he asks his mom to step in she tells him he’s been poisoned by lies and allows strangers to help breate him and his mom??!?!?!
She basically called her child a bigot who can’t think for himself,ALL BECAUSE SHE DRESSES LIKE A HOOKER AND HE DOESN’T LIKE IT. Like ffs lady, get your shit together before your son fucking disowns you for your shit personality, and fishnets are so outdated anyways.
Reddit User – Completely agree! The poor kid is only 10 years old, and kids can be mean. He’s probably being ruthlessly bullied and her picking him up from school in over the top attire isn’t helping. Would it really kill her to pick him up in a different outfit? Or wear something more “conservative” when they go out to eat? It’s a small sacrifice for the kid, it’s not like they’re asking her to change who she is.
On the other hand, I feel for Laura. She has been living a lie for 99% of her life and must feel guilt. I’ve heard that trans people will be very over the top in their fashion choices for the first few years or so as they experiment with different looks and try to make up for lost time. Asking her to dress more conservatively (to her) probably feels like she’s being oppressed. In other words, this may be a phase.
SnakesInYerPants – I’m trying to picture myself picking my kid brother up from school in my most outrageous dress (I don’t dress super revealingly, the most skimpy dress I own isn’t even near the level it sounds like she dresses) and I just can’t even begin to fathom how that would be appropriate. Typically, you dress in the way that locations dress code is. Yes the dress code may not specifically be for you, but it does mean pretty much everyone but you will be dressed that way.
She can most certainly express herself and explore her femininity without being an obnoxious prick who ignores her own sons feelings and bullying. Being told something that you’re doing is causing things like the bullying and reacting in the way OPs ex did should be considered abuse. Not giving a shit that your own actions are causing your kid to be tormented is pretty messed up.
Artist552001 – I 100% agree with what you said. However, I’m wondering if there’s a slight ESH for bringing it up in public. I normally wouldn’t have a conversation so personal in earshot of others like that. I know she said she tried bringing it up privately, but it seems like that was only over the phone if I’m reading it correctly. It would have been better imo if she’d tried meeting in person in a more private setting.
MarianaTrenchBlue – NTA. You are helping your son speak up. You may need to have a therapist or school resource step in to mediate, rather than you, if Laura can’t receive it from you. Probably also not a great idea to bring it up in a public place, but not your fault that Laura blew up.
niqolas1 – Can your son just live with you, or could custody be rearranged? Your ex-husband is dressing like a prostitute around your child. If they don’t have the maturity to acknowledge that, the poor kid should be with you.
enitsirhcbcwds – NTA. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your son. While Laura may be figuring out her style as a woman, she needs to come back down to earth and realize that she’s a parent first and foremost
ColdCoops – NTA. If you take the trans out of the equation, kids would still make comments to your son that his mother picks him up from school in high heels, fishnets and mini skirts.
Your ex’s confidence in wearing revealing/extreme clothing shouldn’t take priority over your kid getting bullied every day – which will happen if your ex picks your son up every day dressed like that. Yeah kids are assholes but there’s not a lot that can be done about that. What happens when your son hits breaking point and either wants to stop seeing your ex altogether or ends up getting some serious depression from the constant bullying?
Glass_Comet – NTA. There are so many comments already that this will probably get buried, but my father came out as trans years ago. While I respect her decision to do what she did, she would say and do things that made me extremely uncomfortable (tell me she was always jealous of me for being a girl, buy wigs that she told me looked like my hair, etc.) Whenever I voiced my discomfort, I was labeled “transphobic” or “unsupportive” by family members.
People don’t really think about what family on the other side goes through, only what the person coming out as trans goes through, when really, both sides have valid feelings that need to be respected. She is not taking into account the effect she is having on your son and being extremely selfish.