Am I the problem?

A Reddit user shared their concerns about navigating a new long-distance relationship with a partner who frequently checks in and monitors their online activity. The constant communication and references to their social media status have left them feeling uneasy, leading them to wonder if they’re overreacting or if their feelings are valid. Read the full story below to understand their dilemma.

‘ Am I the problem?’

I (37F) started dating a friend of mine (32M) a few months ago. We’re very long distant but planning for one of us to move to the other in the next few months. I’ve been single for several years and he got into the relationship with me very soon after being in a long term relationship.

Adjusting to being in a relationship has been difficult for me at times, and I’ve told him that. He is happy being on the phone/Facetime with me all day/night, but it has been getting to me. When we get off the phone, he begins texting me.

He can see my activity status on my social media accounts and has made reference to me being online at times. One of the times he mentioned it was to ask me who I’ve been messaging late at night. I was floored, because I haven’t been messaging anyone.

Today he mentioned it more innocently (about when I went to sleep), but it still feels…weird. Is this stuff I just need to get over, bc it’s part of being in a relationship? Even posting this, I’m super paranoid about, but I don’t know who to talk to about it.

See what others had to share with OP:

sweadle −  This is at best extremely needy and co-dependent and at worse controlling. I know some people love being in contact with their SO every minute of the day but I don’t it’s healthy or sustainable.

If you aren’t ready to call it over this, I would set some boundaries by saying you need some time to yourself and off your phone. Don’t call every day. Don’t answer texts right away. If it’s salvegable, he’ll say “Oh yes, I know I have an issue with this. I will respectyour boundaries.”

But of he keeps pushing, get defensive, accuses you of something, or increases his efforts to be in contact with you instead of backing off, you should juat break up.

MortgagePrestigious8 −  Sounds like the start of controlling behaviour. Now is a good time to set some boundaries regarding your privacy. He shouldn’t be monitoring whether you’re online or not. Reassure him he’s got nothing to worry about and that the way he’s monitoring your online activity is crossing lines.

Also if the constant communication is a bit much for you (which it’s an unreasonable limit if he’s texting you after a call) just let him know gently that you’d like a little less communication. You have your own life, hobbies, work, friends, relaxing time that shouldn’t require you to be glued to your phone talking to your partner all the time.

Ruby_5lipper −  No, this isn’t stuff you “just need to get over.” This is borderline possessive, controlling behavior and it’s NOT OK. If your partner’s behavior doesn’t stop and is not dealt with, it can lead to seriously possessive, controlling behavior, which I assume you don’t want in your life.

My recommendation would be to express your feelings to your partner right away. Let him know that his possessiveness is concerning to you. Give him specifics – that texting you right after you’ve spoken on the phone is overkill and you don’t like it; that asking questions about who you’ve been messaging is overly possessive and not ok.

If your partner truly values and respects you and your feelings regarding this issue, he’ll understand and comply with your wishes. If he doesn’t, he’ll make up excuses and b.s. for why he “has to” behave that way.

If that’s his response, then you have to make 1 of 2 choices – either kick him to the curb ASAP and move on, or give him a chance to make improvements. However, speaking with the experience of over 30 years in the dating scene, I’ve found that guys who make those kinds of excuses for themselves rarely improve. And if he doesn’t, then move on ASAP and don’t waste any more time with this controlling a–hole. You don’t need that kind of sh\*t in your life.

maricopa888 −  This may sound insane, but if you want to be closer geographically (which makes sense) do not live together. I could spend the rest of the day explaining why this sudden 24/7 exposure will be too much. The person doing the moving needs to establish their own life outside of the relationship. Also, his fixation on your social media activity is a little creepy. If you were both 15, that might be different.

lyta_hall −  You are almost 40 years old. If you cannot distinguish controlling behaviour when it happens to you, I’m sorry but you are not ready to be in a relationship with this person (or others)

snorkels00 −  No that’s 8th grade stuff. Very immature. The messaging app show that you are active for a long after you closed it. Its a programming thing. You can turn status off in settings. This doesn’t sound like a healthy dynamic. Long distance also doesn’t give you a real sense of the person only what they tell you.

Forsaken-Jury2466 −  He seems quite c**ngy. Sure, being long-distance requires more online talking than a close-distance relationship, because online presence is basically everything that you have right now, but monitoring online statuses is still too much.

It might be normal in some relationships, but it’s not a mandatory part of every relationship – if it bothers you, this means that your relationship styles might not be compatible. I personally would be uncomfortable with it as well.

veryschway −  I mean, even if it were “normal” (which, by the way, it isn’t), you don’t enjoy it and that’s reason enough to pull the plug if this behavior continues.

FindingHerStrength −  **NONE of this is normal OP**. ***Jealous, possessive, overbearing, controlling behaviour from him*** 🚩🚩🚩 You are not the problem. And for him to show you who he is in a relationship after a few months is alarming.

Question is what’s going to happen here. Because those who have these traits to their personality will not change. I can categorically state I know of no relationship that survived what’s going on within yours. Those people never changed.

Decision time. Do you tell him how he is acting and set boundaries and wait for him to change within a few months (extremely doubtful in my mind), or end this and save the hassle of either you or him moving?

hopingtothrive −  Controlling and insecure. This is a problem with LDR. No one really knows what’s going on and it’s hardest on the most insecure person. You are old enough to see this red flag and not even question yourself. No way should you be moving to a new far away location for a new relationship that’s only a few months old.

Do you think the partner’s behavior is a sign of concern and care, or does it verge on overstepping boundaries? How would you navigate communication and privacy in a long-distance relationship? Share your insights and advice in the comments below!