Am I the a**hole for sleeping with my friend when I’m married?
One Reddit user shares a complicated situation involving her marriage and a close friendship. After her husband began sleeping in the guest room due to disagreements over bedtime habits and personal space, she found comfort in cuddling with her longtime friend, who recently went through a divorce.
While the cuddling has remained platonic, the husband feels betrayed and has reacted with anger, leading to a breakdown in communication. The user grapples with feelings of loneliness and being misunderstood, seeking clarity on whether her actions have crossed a line. Read the original story below to explore the challenges of intimacy, boundaries, and communication within relationships.
‘ Am I the a**hole for sleeping with my friend when I’m married?’
-by sleeping I literally mean sleeping, like snoozing. Me (26f) and my husband (27m) have been married for 7 years, and together for a total of 11 years. We have always been happy with each other and I love my husband with everything in me, but recently he has been complaining about how I use too many blankets and he gets too hot, I snuggle him too much, I use too many pillows, I go to bed too early/too late (it changes), and more stuff like that.
So I promised him I would go to bed when he did, I would use only one pillow, and one blanket, and I wouldn’t cuddle with him anymore. He didn’t think that was good enough, he is refusing to sleep in the same bed as me, he sleeps in our guest room while I sleep alone. This has been going on for almost three months, and we haven’t had s** a single time.
He’s never complained about my s**, he’s just been refusing.He tells me things like “if we aren’t in the same bed why would we have s**?” And stuff like that. I have a high s** drive and so does he, early into our marriage we would have s** about three times a week. But that’s not what I’m complaining about, I miss my husband, ever since he started sleeping away from me he has barely spoke to me.
He gets up at 6am every day, leaves at 8am, and gets back home at 7-8pm, his job hours are 9-5, I don’t know where he is going. I feel unwanted. So back to my point, recently my friend (26f) got divorced, she couldn’t afford her house so I let her move in with me, I’ve known her since she we were both two.
Now she does have her own room but she is having the same problem as me, she feels lonely and unwanted, so we sleep in the same bed every night, we don’t have s**, we just cuddle. Now I will admit sometimes I give her small kisses on the forehead and she does the same to me, but my love language is touch, so if I can’t touch my husband I’ll need someone else to kiss, I’ve never touched her lips once, we’ve never done anything more then goodnight kisses on the cheek or forehead.
We have been snuggling together for about 3 weeks now and my husband is pissed. He told my whole (h**ophobic) family that I kicked him out of our bedroom so I can sleep with a girl. I just need advice and to know if I’m the ahole for snuggling with someone else.
My husband is yelling at me almost every night now, he has thrown stuff, broken plates, i made him a fancy dinner so we can talk and catch up. He took the plate I made for him and threw it on the ground, creating a big mess. Yes he does pay the bills, my friend doesn’t pay for anything, she is just simply too depressed.
My whole family hates me now, his family, he does, the only one I have is my friend, and honestly she’s not enough. I feel unwanted and lost. My husband called me a “h0e ass b*tch who doesn’t know how to keep my hands out of women’s pants” Btw, neither my husband or I are h**ophobic, our families are religious and h**ophobic so that’s why they are so pissed at me..
These are the responses from Reddit users:
EggplantIll4927 − Who votes he’s having an affair? 🙋♀️
Rachymoo − My ex did this. We were together for 8 years and out of the blue he started bitching about weird stuff. He said he wanted space so I slept in my office (in the house) on a loveseat while he had the king sized bed. That went on for 2 months. He was cheating on me the whole time. He accused me of cheating which was clearly him deflecting. Get the hell out of that relationship.
HeartAccording5241 − Sounds to me he’s cheating or is going to
damnoli − The big red flag for me is when he said no s** because you’re not sleeping in the same bed. That doesn’t even make sense. You tried to adjust your sleeping habits for him, but it wasn’t good enough. Could be he’s trying to push your buttons to make you want to leave him because he’s too much of a c**ard to do it himself.
And/or he could have already moved on/checked out emotionally. He might be suspicious of you sleeping in the same bed as your friend and he might believe that you’re more than friends with her but it’s just an excuse to make you the bad guy or justify (in his head) whatever he has going on. Something is not right here but he has no interest in fixing it. Be prepared to move on. Seriously, start planning on being on your own financially and emotionally.
throwawayacunt1991 − Get couple’s therapy asap or else, divorce is on the horizon. Also; 70% he has already cheated on you, so get tested.. Edit: as far as OP’s final update goes; it looks as if her family is saying “if you sleep in your own bed, with your childhood friend next to you, with the knowledge of your spouse, while they have left the marital bed for the guestroom; that is considered cheating”. It isn’t.
There wasn’t even an emotional affair in play. But her husband had full cheated. Maybe in the twisted mind of her religious family; they wanted her to think that both her and her husband have cheated, thus they’re even and now they can reconcile. They just don’t want her to divorce, which is really messed up. OP has almost no allies. (except for the childhood friend, that is)
daffodil19721215 − He’s cheating. Violent and a**sive ? Get a divorce ASAP. S**ew marriage counseling. Get the he!! Outta dodge.
eightmarshmallows − NTA. Your husband is deflecting. He blabbed his problems to your families to try to cover his ass when his infidelity comes to light. Ask to see his phone, but with your family present because he seems really violent, and make sure your things are packed and out of the house when you do it for your safety. You need to get out of that situation.
Grand_Leader_8821 − Odds are he is cheating and that is why he finds it impossible to believe you are not. He is certainly hiding something, else why would he lie to everyone about how he ended up in the guest room? I am not that hard to please but if my man did what yours did and then lied about it to my family, his ass would be long gone.
ElaMeadows − My husband is yelling at me almost every night now. Red flag for abuse (verbal) My husband called me a “h0e ass b\*tch who doesn’t know how to keep my hands out of women’s pants”. Red flag for abuse (verbal) he has thrown stuff, broken plates,. Red flag for abuse (physical) He told my whole (h**ophobic) family that I kicked him out of our bedroom so I can sleep with a girl. Red flag for abuse (isolation and damaging familial relationships). NTA Please get to safety.
vatoreus − BRO WHAT. You feel BAD that your husband was out drinking away CHEATING ON YOU? And what do you mean “as well”??? You didn’t cheat on him by kissing your friend’s F**king forehead. You tossed the “He admitted to cheating on me” so nonchalantly, as if he washed your clothes on the wrong cycle, or like you caused it to happen?’. Girl, YTA to YOURSELF. Jesus.
Is the Redditor justified in seeking comfort from her friend after feeling rejected by her husband, or has she crossed a line that compromises her marriage? How do you think boundaries should be established in relationships, especially when it comes to physical affection? Share your thoughts below!