Am I in the wrong for telling my ex-husband that our kids are justified in feeling like they don’t have a father?

A Reddit user shared her struggles co-parenting with an ex-husband who prioritizes his stepchildren over their own two kids, aged 12 and 8. After years of minimal involvement from her ex, tensions escalated when she gave her son’s old computer to a supportive family member instead of to her ex’s household.

This led to accusations from her ex and his wife, culminating in a confrontation where she called him out for his absence in their children’s lives. The story sheds light on the complex dynamics of shared custody, stepfamilies, and parental responsibilities. Read the full story below to explore the details.

‘ Am I in the wrong for telling my ex-husband that our kids are justified in feeling like they don’t have a father?’

The article has the next update at the end.

I’m 33 and have two kids, 12 and 8. I divorced their dad when I discovered he was cheating on me with a mom from our younger son’s school group. Despite that betrayal, I agreed to shared custody because I wanted my kids to grow up with their father in their lives. However, since the divorce, he’s only been around when he’s picking them up for visits.

He often goes out with his stepchildren but rarely includes our kids, claiming those outings are “spur-of-the-moment” and can’t always include them. Eventually, I stopped pushing, but I’ve always thought it was unfair that he keeps his distance from our children’s lives.

Recently, I decided to upgrade my older son’s computer, and he asked if we could give his old one to his cousin, my brother’s son. My brother has been a huge support for my kids. He’s always available to take them to their school events when I can’t and often takes them out to the park or for trips when I’m busy.

My ex, on the other hand, is rarely available for them. Anytime I ask him to help with an activity, he has an excuse—he’s out of town or swamped with work. Ironically, though, whenever his stepkids need something, he’s there. Once, he even argued with the stepkids’ father at a school event, insisting he had the right to be there.

When my ex found out I gave the computer to my nephew, he got upset. He complained that if I had money to spare on a gift like that, I should have forgiven two months of child support he’d missed, since his finances were tight with a new baby.

He added that if I could give away a computer, I should have gifted it to either his kids or his stepkids, who share just one computer among the three of them. I told him my finances were none of his business and that I owed nothing to his stepchildren.

Then his wife jumped into the conversation, accusing me of spoiling my son by giving him a new computer and of being petty for letting my son bring it to their house, claiming it was just to show off in front of his step-siblings. I told her she had no right to speak to me that way or question my decisions.

I added that I allow my kids to see their father so they can grow up with him in their lives, not so she can interfere with how I parent. My ex was offended, but I told him this whole situation could’ve been avoided if his wife hadn’t inserted herself where she doesn’t belong.

After that, things seemed to calm down until last week. I went to pick up the kids, and my ex was visibly upset. He explained that he’d tried reading a bedtime story to our youngest. At home, he still likes to be read to before bed, usually by me, his brother, or my brother, and when none of us are around, he listens to audiobooks.

Apparently, my ex wanted to make an effort to connect, so he offered to read to him, but our son turned him down, saying he didn’t need him for that because he could do it himself. My ex stayed to listen as he searched for a “story for 8-year-olds without a dad” on his tablet, and it hit him hard.

The next day, my ex offered to take our older son to basketball practice, but he replied that he’d be going with his “dad” (he quickly corrected himself and said “uncle”). That made my ex even angrier, and when I came to pick up the kids, he confronted me about it. I told him that if our kids feel like they don’t have a father, he has only himself to blame. He tried to shift the blame onto me, saying I was the one pushing him away from his role.

I told him it’s up to him to show up for his kids, not something I can do for him. I reminded him he was the one who broke our family, and he’s chosen to be more involved with his stepkids than with his own children. I told him not to kid himself—the kids are growing up, and they’re starting to see the reality of who he is as a father. If he keeps this up, he can’t expect much from them in the future.

After that exchange, his mom called me. While she’s always been polite to me, I felt the need to say that I would have appreciated this same concern from her when she supported her son’s affair, knowing her grandchildren were losing their father in the process. She hung up, and we haven’t spoken since.

My brother advised me that I had every right to express how I feel, but he suggested that maybe this discussion shouldn’t have happened in front of the kids. Later, my ex texted me saying that if I weren’t “so difficult,” he’d spend more time with them.

I told him his duty as a father doesn’t depend on whether I’m “easy” or not, and he knows I’ve never prevented him from seeing the kids. The truth is, when he has to choose, he prefers outings with his stepkids over his own children, and that’s something only he can change.
Update here: https://aita.pics/nkTlP

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

lapsteelguitar −  You can only do so much, OP. And don’t let him off the hook for ANY child support. The fact that it’s stretching his budget is a him problem, not a you problem. And I agree with your brother that that conversation should not have happened in front of the kids. But, if I understand correctly, your ex chose the time & place, not giving you much choice in the matter.. NTA.

Ancient-Wishbone4621 −  ” My ex stayed to listen as he searched for a “story for 8-year-olds without a dad” on his tablet”. Pffft your kid is ruthless. Good for him.. NTA.

SoCalThrowAway7 −  If his wife hadn’t inserted herself where she doesn’t belong. Or if **he** hadn’t inserted himself where he didn’t belong. Alright I’ll leave

New-Number-7810 −  NTA. Your ex loves his step-kids more than the kids he shares with you. He knows it, you know it, and your kids know it. 

CivMom −  So, you need to make sure you only conmmunicate in writing from now on. Can you get one of the apps that records everyone’s exchanges, and has a third party to monitor? Because you are right, but he will start crying alienation any minute now. You need to have no verbal exchanges, and if you do (liek at drop off), then follow up in writing. At a mininum, in a text exhcange that you keep and back up regularly.

I agree that it’s better not to do anthing that smells of alientation, but on the other hand it’s good for your keeds to feel backed up. It’s a tricky place to be. Sending hugs. And keep it in writing! And try, really really hard, to keep any tone out of it. If anyone reads it, let it be clear that you are doing everything you are required to do, including allowing access to the kids.

Kittytigris −  LOL. Your ex FAFO. NTA. He’s a grown man who makes no effort to see his kids after breaking up his own marriage. He’s just reaping what he sowed. Frankly you’re a hell lot nicer than me. I would have told him straight to his face that it’s his own fault his kids adapted to him not being there.

McDonalds-Cashierr −  you’re NTA. you’ve been honest about your ex’s lack of involvement, and your kids are noticing it. it’s fair to hold him accountable for his actions while it might have been better to avoid discussing this in front of the kids, your feelings and frustrations are completely justified.

bookishmama_76 −  NTA – my ex husband hasn’t seen or spoken to our kids in about 18ish years. He lives nearby but couldn’t be bothered. He always cancelled visits when we first split up. Then again, this was the same guy who told the courts he shouldn’t have to pay child support because my boyfriend (now husband) was living with me. Your kids see it all.

He’s making his own bed & soon he will be completely persona non grata w/them. My kids started calling my now husband dad in less than a year, completely unprompted by us. They’ve talked about taking his last name

Loki_the_Corgi −  NTA, and I’m so very glad for you you dropped this sorry excuse for a man…he and his new wife deserve each other. His wife is a cunt (and I don’t use that word lightly). How dare she get onto YOU about giving YOUR son a new computer?! If they’re so strapped for cash, it’s called *birth control*, which is still legal.

Your ex-husband alienated his own kids by playing favorites with his new family. Your kids saw that, learned it, and are now rubbing his nose in his own pile of s**t (kudos to your youngest for that absolute perfect roast). He got the family he worked for, it just wasn’t with your kids. You could take the b**lshit he’s spewing and fertilize a desert…

Your former MIL can s**k a fart out of a r**’s a**hole. F**k her and her opinions (nosy b**ch she is). Good f**king riddance to her. Congratulations to you for doing so well and providing for your kids!!! Congratulations for giving them a proper role model, and someone they can aspire to become! Congratulations for having a backbone made of steel, and for standing up for yourself! You dodged a bullet!!!

Oddly-Appeased −  Perfect example of “Oh no, consequences”. He has shown his children that they are less important to him than his wife’s children. He made those choices and no matter how much he tries to protest otherwise he does have no one else to blame.