AITAH if I don’t donate my kidney to my dying ex husband?

A woman’s abusive ex-husband, whom she divorced five years ago after an unhappy and toxic marriage, has reached out to ask for her kidney. He is now critically ill due to a chronic disease that he neglected to manage, despite years of warnings.

The woman, who has a rare blood type that matches well for donation, feels conflicted. She wants to say no, given their past and the emotional toll he took on her, but also recognizes that declining may result in his death due to the long transplant waiting list.

‘ AITAH if I don’t donate my kidney to my dying ex husband?’

For some preface, I wasn’t married very long and have been divorced for five years. I also never really liked the man. I was younger and insecure and frankly stupid when I agreed to marry him. He turned out to be extremely a**usive as well and I left the marriage after nearly a year. He’s dying due to kidney damage from a chronic disease.

To be clear, the disease isn’t specific to his kidneys. He was warned about the possibility of this occurring for YEARS if he didn’t stop eating certain foods. He apparently never stopped and now he’s dying. Anyway, he reached out to me and asked out of desperation if I’d donate a kidney.

I have a rare blood type that matches most for donations and I guess he remembered. I am at a loss. On the one hand I want to tell him no, on the other I know doing so may result in him passing given the transplant list is VERY long and his health his failing fast. Am I the a**shole if I say no?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Broad-Discipline2360 ( Top 1 ) says

NTA . No no no no. Nope. Do not donate any body part to an a**usive ex.

Beneficial-Eye4578 ( Top 2 ) says

NTA…. I work in nephrology .One thing I can tell you is that patients who have never been compliant with meals and food restrictions before they fell sick are not suddenly going to start being compliant after.After a transplant they really have to be very careful with taking medications religiously and being very careful with food etc.

There’s a high chance your ex will waste the gift of life he receives. Save your kidney. Don’t forget donor surgery takes it’s toll on you. And some insurance will not cover your full cost, not yo mention you will have to take time off work etc… who is going to cover all of that for you? Don’t misunderstand me.

If it’s my husband, sisters or my kids I would donate in a heartbeat. Or even friends and family who I think will take care of this kidney. Do it only if you want to, no need to feel guilty

hermesorherpes ( Top 3 ) says

Physician here. I don’t buy his story. He won’t die from uremia. He can have dialysis instead of asking you for a kidney donation.

AvailableAd4607 ( Top 4 ) says

Nta he made his bed he can lie in it

lordtylordt ( Top 5 ) says

NTA, not your responsibility. Everybody gets one body, he didn’t take care of his & that has nothing to do with you. Plus he was an a**usive partner, why are you even considering helping him lol.

AspectFearless7808 ( Top 6 ) says

No. Do not do it.

[deleted] ( Top 7 ) says

If my abuser was dying I’d genuinely celebrate because maybe for once I could finally feel safe. I damn sure wouldn’t give him part of my body to prolong his life. He’s now meeting the consequences of his actions. You should block him and forget he reached out. NTA

MainEgg320 ( Top 8 ) says

NTA. A word of advice if you want to avoid drama and guilt tripping.. agree to “see if you are a match”, but while you are alone with the doctor tell them you do not want to do it. They will tell them you aren’t a match regardless if you are or not. This unfortunately happens a lot in families so doctors are well versed in how to handle this.

IIIetalblade ( Top 9 ) says

Hello OP, I am just a 23yo kid and not a doctor so please take this with a grain of salt, but also hear me out as i have experience here. I come from a family with a somewhat rare hereditary condition (polycystic kidneys) that causes the kidneys to shut down and require transplant. My grandma went through this, and so did my mum, very recently.

Now, when mum’s kidneys shut down early in life, she was extremely fortunate in that both my dad, and my aunt (her sister) were near-perfect matches for transplant. They ended up taking my aunt’s, as the sibling kidney is optimal, and massively reduces the risk of it being rejected.

Mum got the kidney, and went from a perpetually exhausted and depressed person (didn’t even realise how bad it was, as her condition deteriorated over so many years) to having the energy of a 20 year old.

Now, let me be extremely clear, i am not telling you this story so as to say “it made such a difference to mum, it changed her life, it can change/save his too”. **NO**. The reason I am telling you this, is because I saw what it did to my aunt.

Going from 0 kidneys to 1 makes you feel like a million bucks and 30 years younger. Going from 2 fully functioning kidneys to 1 absolutely f**cking *devastates* the body. I don’t know if she had a particularly bad recovery period for it, but she was bedridden and in immeasurable pain/insomnia/immobilised for about 2 months.

Probably more. She went through absolute hell to do this for my mum, and was well aware she would, because they are two sisters closer than any I’ve ever seen.
I’ve seen what post organ donation recovery looks like, and it’s really really not pretty.

I guess it is still your call if you want to effectively destroy your body for this person who wronged you so badly, but honestly I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t even entertain the thought. Do you think if the shoe was on the other foot, he would go through that for you? Do you think he would even get off his ass to p**ss on you if you were on fire?

As an aside, even if you’re a match for his kidney requirement, hospitals will generally be very apprehensive to give an organ to someone who has defied their medical advice. If they can determine that his kidneys shut down because of his s**itty lifestyle and refusal to change, they will likely withhold a waitlist organ in favour of someone else who are less likely to squander it.

This is quite likely the real reason he is reaching out to you – hospital said no to normal donation, so he needs to find his own donor.
Put yourself first OP, and don’t you feel bad about it for one second.

No_Scarcity8249 ( Top 10 ) says

There are plenty of people who need a kidney right now that you’re gonna be a match for. Why him? Absolutely fin NOT.