AITAH if I break up with my fiancee after she showed a startling change of behavior after getting engaged?

The initial stages of a romantic relationship are often characterized by idealization and the projection of hopes and dreams onto the partner. This can lead to a sense of deep connection and compatibility, fostering the belief that the relationship is destined for long-term success. However, sometimes, after a significant milestone like an engagement, a shift in behavior can occur, revealing underlying personality traits or values that were previously hidden. This sudden change can be jarring and confusing, leaving one to question the foundation of the relationship and the true nature of their partner.

The Reddit post below details such a scenario, where a man experiences a drastic change in his fiancée’s behavior shortly after their engagement. From introducing a previously unknown “inner circle” of friends to exhibiting concerning behavior regarding finances and personal boundaries, the fiancée’s actions raise red flags and prompt the man to reconsider the future of their relationship. This story explores the themes of deception, manipulation, and the importance of recognizing toxic behavior in relationships.

‘ AITAH if I break up with my fiancee after she showed a startling change of behavior after getting engaged?’

I (M32) just recently proposed to my girlfriend of 2 years Sharon(F30), like a month and a half ago, and it feels like the second the ring got on her finger, her attitude and behavior took a total 180. The entire time we were dating, we seemed exceptionally compatible, and at least it seemed we shared common beliefs and morals.

Seven weeks ago, I proposed and she said yes and I felt like it was the happiest moment for the two of us. But not even a week later, it’s like her attitude totally flipped. I thought I knew all her friends, but one day I came home and there were six women I’ve never seem before, and Sharon introduced me to them.

I was curious as to why I was just now meeting them, when I already met Sharon’s two best friends(Michelle and Octavia, both not present) over a year and a half ago. Sharon said she wanted to make sure we were a ‘sure thing’ before I met her ‘inner circle’. I found this strange, not to mention it was a weeknight and they were quickly draining my wine rack of wine.

Sharon still had her own place, but she stayed with me so often she practically lives her. Still, I found it incredibly rude when they left, with four empty bottles of Rosé in their wake. I tried to talk to Sharon about having uninvited guests on weeknights and she dismissed my grievance very flippantly. More that she brushed me off.

The following weeks she went out with ‘the girls’ several times, and when she brought ‘the girls’ to my place(twice without notice, once with notice to ‘appease’ me, her words), they all treated me like a butler, shaking their empty wine glasses at me for refills.
After the fourth time, I made it clear that I will get a locked wine rack.

Sharon just called me ‘no fun’ after that. It gets worse. Sharon decided me and ‘the girls’ got off on the wrong foot, and said we should have dinner together at a nice restaurant. Well, I went, and it was not great. The six kept prodding me about my life, my house, my career, but deflected every question I asked.

It got especially bad at night when they started talking about modern relationships and jealousy, and one of them brought up some key points about relationships that I thought Sharon and I were on the same page about(specifically what-ifs regarding polyamory and being friends with exes).

To my shock, Sharon said we shouldn’t be ‘too hasty’ on such decisions, which was a total 180 to how she expressed herself on these things only a month prior(where she was vehemently against keeping ex intimate partners in friends circles and was staunchly monogamous).

The worst part was when the bill arrived, Sharon announced it should be ‘together’ and slid me the check. I told her she can’t be serious, and we got into a bit of an argument. I ended it by putting my amount down in cash and walked out, leaving them to figure out the rest of the bill.

The next days after that, Sharon kept calling me ‘toxic’ and ‘fragile’, but every time I even pushed at it, she would give an apology and promised she was just ‘stressed at work’. It’s nuts, we haven’t even planned the wedding yet.

The worst part was this Monday, when at work, I got a Nest Doorbell alert, checked and saw Sharon and one of her six new friends arriving at my place, going in, and exiting with my golf clubs. This set was a gift from my father, and it cost a pretty penny too, so Sharon lending it out without my permission got me pissed.

I immediately called Sharon and told her and her friend to return the clubs. Sharon tried to gaslight me with “But you promised to lend the clubs to her boyfriend, remember?” I told her the clubs cost would move it into a serious crime, and her and her friend had an hour to return them or the cops would be called.

Sharon kept insisted she got my permission and I told her to cut the crap. Well, not 45 minutes later I got another notification of Sharon and her friend coming back with the clubs and going inside, leaving them, Sharon’s friend flipping off the Nest doorbell on the way out.
I got home and saw Sharon’s friend literally just threw the clubs and back on the living room floor.

Sharon tried to talk to me about my ‘toxicity’ again, and I told her again to cut the crap. I said if I knew this was how she was, I would have never proposed. That seemed to freak her out and she again insisted that she was ‘stressed from work’, but I wasn’t buying it anymore.

I told her to return the ring and her key, and we would talk about our relationship this weekend. She cried and begged me not to cancel the engagement, and insisted that it was just stress. I told her again we will talk about it this weekend. She finally relented. I had my house re-keyed anyways after she left, just to be safe.

Sharon has been texting me constant messages of love and apologies for getting swept up, and insisted she was only wanting to show me off to her close friends. I don’t know, I’m just not buying it. The same ‘close friends’ have been sending me texts daily, calling me ‘toxic’ and ‘fragile’ again, saying they knew I wasn’t ‘man enough’ for Sharon or ‘secure enough’ to share her with friends.

A few of my friends that knew Sharon the entire two years we were dating were surprised and can’t believe she turned Hyde this quick, and that there must be something missing, or that I am leaving something out. They say I must have said something to trigger her friends to act like this, and I had to have been the AH somewhere along the process. I dunno, it’s a lot to take from all directions right now.

Expert opinion:

This situation highlights the phenomenon of “masking” in relationships, where individuals may conceal their true personalities or intentions during the initial stages of courtship. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author specializing in narcissistic personality disorder, “Masking is a deliberate attempt to create a false impression, often to manipulate or deceive others.”

(Source: Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist). In this case, the fiancée’s seemingly compatible behavior during the two-year dating period could have been a form of masking, designed to secure the engagement before revealing her true colors.

Dr. Durvasula emphasizes the importance of recognizing red flags and trusting one’s intuition. The sudden introduction of a new group of friends, the dismissive attitude towards the fiancé’s concerns, and the gaslighting tactics employed by the fiancée and her friends are all indicative of potentially toxic behavior. These actions suggest a lack of respect for boundaries and a disregard for the fiancé’s feelings, raising serious concerns about the long-term health of the relationship.

Furthermore, the incident with the golf clubs highlights a potential sense of entitlement and a lack of consideration for the fiancé’s property. Dr. Les Carter, a counselor and author specializing in dysfunctional relationships, notes that “Entitlement is a belief that one deserves special treatment or privileges, often without any justification.” (Source: When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You).

The fiancée’s attempt to justify her actions by claiming permission that was never given, coupled with her friend’s disrespectful behavior, suggests a pattern of disregard for the fiancé’s boundaries and a sense of entitlement to his belongings.

The fiancé’s decision to end the engagement, while difficult, demonstrates a commitment to self-respect and a refusal to tolerate toxic behavior. This situation serves as a reminder that it is crucial to prioritize one’s well-being and to recognize that walking away from a dysfunctional relationship, even after a significant commitment, is a sign of strength, not weakness. (Source: When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You)

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Community Opinion:

The comments overwhelmingly support the fiancé’s decision to end the engagement, condemning the fiancée’s behavior and that of her friends. Many commenters express disbelief at the fiancée’s sudden change and speculate about her motives, with some suggesting she may have been intentionally deceiving him from the start. The fiancé is widely seen as NTA (Not The Asshole), with many praising his courage to walk away from a toxic situation.

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Additional comments: This is a popular opinion on Reddit, but does this reflect reality? While the online community readily condemns the fiancée’s behavior, it’s important to acknowledge that real-life situations are often more complex. It’s possible that the fiancée is genuinely struggling with personal issues or experiencing significant stress that is impacting her behavior. However, this does not excuse her actions, particularly the gaslighting and disregard for boundaries.

Away_Understanding34 −  2 years and she didn’t introduce you to these “friends”? She knows how terrible they are and how terrible she is with them. She put on quite a show to get the ring and now that she thought she had you locked down, she can show her true colors.

Unless you are leaving out something, you are definitely NTA. You are not toxic or fragile. You have standards. What she did at the restaurant and with the clubs is toxic. It seems like she wants to show them she has you wrapped around her finger and that you will allow her (and them) to do whatever they want. 

I wouldn’t give her another chance to use you for what you can do or give to her. No one that loves you would treat you like this, friends or no friends present.

perpetuallyxhausted −  NTA you said you had met 2 of her friends, Michelle and Octavia, previously. Have they had anything to say about this flipped behaviour or the 6 strangers that materialised?

MothraDidIt −  You dodged a k**ler bullet.

eightmarshmallows −  Tell her you’re “too stressed from work” to talk about your relationship right now. It sounds like this is a toxic group of frenemies she has that constantly try to one-up each other and I bet that this group of friends has been the end of all previous relationships so she learned to keep them hidden.

Fragrant_Spray −  She wasn’t smart enough to wait to flip the bait and switch until after the wedding. She thought as soon as you got engaged she had crossed the finish line and started her victory lap. Her “inner circle” is clearly her bad decision support group too. The sooner you can d**p her, the better for you.

Melirpha −  Why are you not secure enough for wanting to be treated with common decency?. Ya dodged a bullet. Also what “man” agrees to taking a strangers clubs? Sounds like they’re all just mad they can’t use you.

Good call on the locks changed. This won’t be the last you hear from them. A: don’t block them in case you need to bring any evidence in (that’s where this is leaning) and B: please update us.

Apprehensive_Fox3187 −  Nta, your friends are idiots and triggered? Naw, nobody normal comes to someone’s house uninvited and drinks a ton of the person’s wine without permission. That alone is a big no-no, but everything else on top of that?!? Nope, Sharon needed to be kicked out a long time ago.

She and her friends were nothing but disrespectful towards you and your things, And just saw you as someone to use, period. And her behavior shows she didn’t not care as long as she could use you, and have access to your things, the only reason she is giving fake apologies is because you leaving means she can’t use you anymore.

And the same goes for her leech ahole friends, instead of apologizing and want to make it right be reimbursing you, for the things they used, they are insulting you and she isn’t even telling them to stop. So op you made the correct choice by not only kicking her out but not going through with marrying her, her and her friends are nothing but users who wasn’t going to change at all and continue to do you.

chez2202 −  NTA. She kept her coven away from you until she had the ring on her finger and thought that it gave her total control. The friends she introduced you to, claiming that they were her best friends were actually decoys so that you wouldn’t see what she really is and what her inner circle’ really are.

She should really have talked to them more when you realised what was happening. She’s been playing the victim and claiming she has no idea what could possibly be wrong while her friends have been messaging you calling you names. She played her hand badly and didn’t get the backup she needed from her witches.

Put this down to a monumental mistake and don’t let her back in. Send her the messages from her friends and tell her that the crying and fake apologies won’t work because you know how she really feels. Let them fight it out amongst themselves and move on.

revbuns −  This sounds fake as hell and if it’s not, run like hell. She’s insane.

Solid_Feature_7678 −  The “Sharon” you dated for two years was a mask she was wearing to get the ring. That’s why you never met the six Real Housewives rejects until after you were engaged. The woman she has shown you these last few weeks is the real Sharon. Run far and run fast my friend.

This story raises important questions about the nature of relationships, the importance of recognizing red flags, and the courage to walk away from toxic situations. What are your thoughts on the fiancée’s behavior? Do you believe she was intentionally deceptive from the start, or could there be other factors contributing to her change in attitude? Share your perspectives and experiences in the comments below. This story serves as a cautionary tale about the importance of self-respect and the need to prioritize one’s well-being in any relationship.