AITAH- I choose my family ?
One person explains that their parents have always favored their brother, so they’ve spent years avoiding conflict to maintain family peace. However, tensions rose as the brother married into a toxic family, and the sister-in-law’s father repeatedly mistreated the original poster’s (OP) 5-year-old child during Thanksgiving gatherings.
After warning that they wouldn’t tolerate the behavior, OP decided to plan a family trip for this Thanksgiving, inviting both their parents and brother’s family. While everyone initially liked the idea, the parents ultimately declined, citing they “can’t choose between families.”
Now, OP and their husband are moving forward with the trip, but the family is upset, assuming the trip was canceled after the others declined. Read the original story below…
‘ AITAH- I choose my family ?’
My parents always choose my brother. It’s been like this my entire life. As a child I never put them in the position to choose. That kept the peace and also didn’t make me feel like s**t about myself. I am the dependable child. I show up and always do the right thing.
This is where things get tricky. My brother married into an awful family. Extremely e**itled, snobby, and just very mean. They have always hosted Thanksgiving and it’s just been somthing that my husband and I just go along with. Really to keep my parents happy.
The last two thanksgivings my sister in laws father has been incredibly mean to my 5 year old. To the point where I reached out the day after Thanksgiving saying if this continues we will no longer celebrating holidays with them at all.
We have seen them since and it’s been fine but it’s never been in their home and that’s when the father’s comfortable enough to be mean. This Thanksgiving my husband and I decide to plan a local trip for our family. We invite my parents and my brother’s family. They all love the idea, but decline.
Since my brother declined, my parents said that they “can’t pick between families” and of course picked my brothers. I expected it and I’m not even mad about it. My husband and I booked our trip anyways. We are not going to subject our children to a t**ic Thanksgiving. Well today I got the group text message about Thanksgiving plans.
I sent a very friendly text back saying that we will be out of town etc.. and now everyone is upset at me and blindsided although we have been discussing it for months. They thought because they declined the trip that we were not going on it. We are! AITAH?
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
DesertSong-LaLa − NTA – Enjoy your excursion! Soak in the peace. Yes, make your child, you and hubby a priority. Remember them choosing him repeatedly really has nothing to do with who you are but rather, who they are. Thrive OP!
oofthissucksman − NTA. Have fun on your trip!! You don’t owe them anything. Your child would rather spend time with just their parents on a fun trip than be dragged to a family party where they get belittled by others (trust me, I know from experience).
If they want to get upset at you for going on a trip that they declined to go on, that is their own problem. You’re planning a cool, memorable holiday for your family and don’t let them stop you.
Late_Boss_5283 − NTA. If they thought you were going to go with them after they declined. They don’t value your opinion or space.
Lisbei − NTA. Enjoy your trip and don’t even think of cancelling! Your family thought that as usual you would give in and be the ‘dependable child’. BUT YOU ARE DONE! YOU ARE FREE! Congratulations on your emancipation and have fun on your trip – make it a tradition you do with your husband and children!
ETA- just read your addition and consider this: your parents have been LETTING YOU DOWN all your life. I hate to put it so bluntly but they have never chosen you. How are you letting them down?
If they won’t choose you, not even once, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE YOU. And don’t forget your child, who’s being bullied by an adult at this so called celebration. Come on now.
JoffreeBaratheon − NTA, but almost wanna say ESH since you’re not sticking up for your daughter more. Instead of reaching out the day after for sister in laws father being incredibly mean to your 5 year old on his second offense, tell him off right then and there in front of everyone on the first offense.
twothirtysevenam − NTA. You’re taking care of yourself and your own family. They’re probably surprised that you’ve grown a shiny new spine and aren’t letting them dictate and ruin the holiday for you anymore with their toxicity. This kind of person doesn’t know what to do with themselves when they can’t bust through boundaries.
SkiPhD − We had issues with both sides of the family during holidays. I finally realized that I was tired of having to rush around from my family to my in-laws. One year, I drew a line in the sand. I informed everyone that my family would be celebrating all holidays at our home moving forward.
I told them that they had an open invitation to join us anytime, but we would be forming our own traditions at home. It wasn’t received well, but it has been a blessing every year. Do what is healthy for your family and push the other stuff aside.
Top_Journalist433 − NTA. My mother has very obvious favouritism to my two brothers. Its sickening. In my most recent memory, my youngest sister graduated as a lawyer and passed the bar at 21. My mother showed up to her graduation and pushed her to the side to take 90% of pictures with the boys that day.
Neither of which have a bachelors in anything (not that I judge because they are good at other things, but yea). There’s photos of my sister standing to the side, hands on hips, while my mom beams with the boys flanking her.
Our, not gonna lie, pretty sizable nheritance has also been set to some kind of limited allowance with stipulations while the boys actually own everything. The girls have accepted it and moved on. We pick our little nuclear families and try not to let it bring us down.. when it does we pop a little bottle and eat good food lol
Snickerdoodle2021 − NTA. From one “dependable child” to another, thank you for picking your child and not making sure that he/she has memories of someone being mean to them while their parents and extended family just sat by doing nothing.
As far as you “blindsiding” your family, I guess it is time to have a real deep look into family dynamics and figure some stuff out.
CinnamonBlue − NTA. Post about the trip everywhere with the comments like “best thanksgiving EVER!”, “should have done this years ago”, “the kind of thanksgiving to be thankful for”.
Is OP right to prioritize their own family’s well-being, or should they have canceled the trip to keep the peace? What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!