AITAH- I choose my family ?
When family loyalty clashes with protecting your children, where do you draw the line? A parent faces backlash for skipping a toxic Thanksgiving gathering hosted by their brother’s in-laws, opting instead for a peaceful trip with their spouse and kids. The decision sparks accusations of selfishness and reignites long-standing tensions over parental favoritism.
‘AITAH- I choose my family?’
Expert Opinions:
The Impact of Parental Favoritism on Adult Children
Dr. Karl Pillemer, family sociologist and author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, explains: “Favoritism often forces the ‘dependable’ child into a role of perpetual compromise. Over time, this erodes self-worth and fuels resentment. Setting boundaries, as OP did, is a critical step in reclaiming agency.” (Psychology Today, 2021).
Protecting Children from Toxic Family Dynamics
Child psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy emphasizes: “Parents have a duty to shield their children from harmful behavior, even if it means disrupting traditions. Allowing a child to be mistreated to ‘keep the peace’ normalizes toxicity and teaches them their feelings don’t matter.” (Good Inside, 2023).
The Fallacy of ‘Neutrality’ in Family Conflict
Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, argues: “When parents claim they ‘can’t pick sides,’ they’re often choosing the status quo—and the louder, more demanding child. True neutrality requires accountability. OP’s parents failed by prioritizing their own comfort over their grandchild’s well-being.”
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
Community Opinions:
NTA: “Protecting your kids comes first. Your parents enabled your brother’s toxic in-laws for years.”
ESH: “You should’ve made your plans clearer instead of assuming they understood.”
YTA: “Thanksgiving is about family unity. You could’ve tolerated one more meal.”
Justified NTA: “Your parents showed their true colors. Enjoy your drama-free trip!”
This story underscores the painful reality of familial favoritism and the courage it takes to break free from toxic cycles. While OP’s decision to prioritize their child’s emotional safety was met with backlash, it also exposed decades of unbalanced family dynamics. Was skipping Thanksgiving an act of self-preservation or selfishness? And should parents ever be excused for perpetuating favoritism? Share your thoughts below.
NTA. Go and enjoy your vacation with your kid and husband. You do not need to be around those toxic people.
Enjoy your trip. And don’t back down no matter how much they pressure you. Tell them that you’ll be celebrating the holidays at home from now on though they are welcome to visit. And if your brother’s in-laws show up; just inform them that the invitation was for your relatives and your husband’s not your brother’s in-laws.
They tell me that back when I was born, Dad put his foot down about the holidays. Christmas and Easter were spent at home with my parents, not trapsing all over the place to all the in-laws. Though every other year we did have a Christmas Eve dinner and presents with my mother’s parents. Thanksgiving with all of our extended families was usually held on the Friday or Saturday after Thanksgiving itself. We’d rent a hall for the afternoon, everyone brought a dish to pass, all the wives got together and cooked or warmed up hot sides (Dad usually smoked 2 to 3 turkeys and cut them up to serve cold; many times Uncle Bob and Grandpa bought them and came to help cook and cut them up.) And a great time was had by all. NO ONE let Grandma Mortimer cook that day, or for as long as she was with us, Grandma Croft.
After years of crap Thanksgiving days, I finally starting going “out of town” for the holiday. My daughter and I would stay home and have our own little Thanksgiving–it was wonderful.