AITAH for wanting to divorce my husband over kids?

A Reddit user finds herself in a difficult situation when her husband’s sister leaves her three young children with them unexpectedly. Despite being clear from the start that she never wanted kids, her husband now wants to take on the responsibility of raising his sister’s children, while she’s overwhelmed by the reality of caregiving.

As tensions rise and disagreements deepen, she’s considering divorce over this fundamental difference. Read the full story below to see how this dilemma unfolded.

‘ AITAH for wanting to divorce my husband over kids?’

I (F29) knew from a young age I don’t ever want to have or raise children. I met my husband in college and he was decidedly childfree too. We got married a couple of years back. My husband’s younger sister (F24) has three kids (M5, M & F 2) with different dead beat guys.

Two months ago she left all of them at our house, said she was going on a errand and never came back. Just left. We filed a report and everything. Last we heard she was safe but did not want to come back.

My husband’s mom is a minimum wage worker barely scrapping by. She used to be a single mom and do not want to raise these kids. I don’t want to raise them either. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for them. But raising kids is a huge responsibility I don’t want to take up.

In the 2 months they were here, our expense has increased, we had to buy them clothes and stuff, and they are sleeping in our living room on air mattresses (we only have one bedroom). I had to work from home and look after them cause my husband could not get wfh and daycare for 3 is expensive.

It has been really rough to say the least. CPS did get involved and asked us whether we want to keep the kids or not. I do not. I thought my husband would be on the same page but he wants to keep the kids. CPS has asked us to decide quickly and make necessary changes (get a bigger home for one).

My husband and I have gone back and forth on this. I cannot live the next 16 years like this. Raising kids is hard. And expensive. But he wants to be there for his family. Which I get. So yesterday I told him I want a divorce. Quickly, before he made any commitments and dragged me into it with him.

He called me a AH for divorcing over kids. For abandoning him when he needed me. I told him he knew my boundaries well in advance and this was a commitment (children) that he is unilaterally deciding on.. AITAH?

Some relevant info (comments asked me to add) : He leaves before 7 am and reaches back home only after 8 pm. In the morning he barely helps cause he has to get ready for work. Still lets give him 2 hours for that, generously. He helps with kids after he reaches (around a hour or 2). He has off only on Sunday.

Where he still do not take care of kids himself and needs my help. I tried telling him I need the day to work but he keeps disturbing me every 5 mins wanting something. Basically I am never off the clock and he is barely on it. Yesterday was the first day he did it all (or tried to) himself. And it was a disaster. The details are in a comment.

This is to hopefully make you understand, while he took the admirable decision to raise them, he is not raising them. I would be. Wanting to make a selfless decision is admirable as long as you do it. Not volunteer someone else. This is not relevant but it is increasingly annoying when 1 out of 5 comments are telling me about wedding vows.

We did not do traditional wedding vows. We do not believe in till d**th do us part. Our vows did include not having children. Our vow was to stay together till staying apart made us happier than staying together will. Staying in a toxic relationship where you hate each others guts just because you made a vow was never appealing to us.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

[Reddit User] −  I can’t fault either of them. Only AH here is the sister.

Whippa22 −  When do the Dead Beat Dads have their comeuppance?

Jean19812 −  Nta. Isn’t abandoning your kids a crime?? Also, depending on your income, there may be child care subsidies. Our church ran a daycare (daycare and after school care) and accepted the government certificate and did not charge the low-income parents the balance..

GlassMotor9670 −  NTA. SIL is the original arsehole. I can understand nephews and neices have your husband in family/broody mode. But you had the discussion early in your relationship and this sounds like it would be torture for you.

StillAmJennifer −  The sister is safe? Great. Maybe she can use her newfound freedom to take on a couple of jobs to earn money to pay child support for her own kids? Or get thrown in jail for being a deadbeat mom.

Patrickosplayhouse −  While some may think you a hard person for your decision, you are NTA. You had this crazy idea that you would get to remain child free, when you married someone who also wanted to be child free.

It’s not like you’re not agreeing on what temp to set the furnace, or what color to paint the kitchen. This is about as HUGE as it gets, and he made the choice he made, without caring about your feelings.

cypresscoydog −  NTA, for all the reasons others have listed. But also because forcing someone into parenthood is also *bad for those children*. If you are ill equipped or unwilling, those children will be the ones that suffer for it. They deserve parents who want them whole heartedly, and nothing less.

[Reddit User] −  NAH. It’s not surprising that your husband wouldn’t want to put his nephew/nieces in foster care after a situation that there was no way to predict. There are horror stories all over the Internet and news about the broken foster system

That said you vehemently don’t want kids and if this is something you’re unwilling to take on(which is absolutely your right) then it would be better to end it before the resentment of the situation takes over your life.

Crazy-cat-0689 −  NTA raising kids is expensive. It doesn’t sound like he wants to actually take care of them he just wants you to. Which you’ve told him multiple times is a boundary for you. He did not listen so you told him you’re done. That is your right. His sisters mistakes are not your burden.

imothro −  Lmao at everybody calling you the a**hole. If your husband said he was childfree and you got pregnant and decided to keep it they’d all be shouting at you that you knew who he was when you married him and of course he should leave. NTA. It’s a basic incompatibility. What happened sucks but the relationship went from compatible to incompatible overnight.

Do you think the Redditor is justified in considering divorce given her clear stance on children, or should she try to compromise given her husband’s family situation? How would you handle this challenging situation? Share your thoughts below!