AITAH for wanting to divorce my husband because he’s unemployed even though money is “no issue” for me?

A woman, married for 11 years to a man who has struggled to establish a stable career, is contemplating divorce due to his prolonged unemployment. Despite her financial stability, she finds his lack of ambition and inability to contribute financially increasingly frustrating.

Although he manages household tasks and is a supportive partner in many ways, his failure to succeed in starting his own business and the resentment that has grown over finances is causing strain in their relationship.

She questions whether she should continue to cope with this situation or if her feelings about his financial reliance are justified, especially as they seem to overshadow their compatibility in other areas.

‘ AITAH for wanting to divorce my husband because he’s unemployed even though money is “no issue” for me?’

We’ve (M37, F33) been married for 11 years. He has always wanted to work independently (he has no career, but works in construction) because he’s not comfortable in office jobs, and frankly he’s not good at it either. He never quit any job, but he did not particularly enjoy working, arguing that pay was too low.

He always said to me that if I let him work independently, he’d be happier, and would earn more money. When the last company he worked for shut down, I finally got tired of “forcing” him to work office jobs, and told him that he could do whatever he wanted.

It’s important to mention that when we met, we were contributing 50-50, then I grew in my career and he didn’t, so it became 75-25 (by his request, obviously). Two years ago, when he had his last job, he said he could only contribute with basic services (while I pay the mortgage, vacations, and a part of food).

In these 2 years, he had his share of small projects, but his money eventually ran out, and last month he told me he can’t contribute anything anymore.I know starting a business takes time, but he just doesn’t seem any good at it. He does not know how to look for clients. He’s slow. He’s a bad organizer. He’s bad with people.

The only thing he’s good at, is at manual things. In the course of all these years he gradually bought tools for carpentry, and has made furniture, but it just does not sell… all the clients he has had are my friends or my family. In 2 years he did not have any independent client.

I’m just so tired of helping him… first to find jobs, now to find clients and closing the deals. Last time (about a month ago) he told me he cannot contribute ANYTHING anymore because he’s trying to grow his business, I blew up at him and told him to get a normal job because clearly his little venture is not working.

He behaved like a little child, blaming me for not supporting him, and telling me that these things take time. Maybe he’s right in one thing, I have friends who are architects, and they work independently, but I think that if you fail basic adulting, there’s no fkn way you could start a business.

He also acted very resentful because sometimes I take trips alone, and buy nice and expensive stuff for myself, while, in his words “he doesn’t even have money for a new pair of shoes”, but I don’t feel bad at all because I earned my money, and I get to spend it how I want.

I’ve also invited him to many vacations (I don’t always go alone), but obviously I don’t buy him clothes, and the food I buy is sometimes only enough for me. I know some of you would say that’s s**itty, but what am I supposed to do? Support a healthy grown man who took bad decisions?

Setting aside finances, we’re very compatible, love and are attracted to each other. He has no vices, not a drunk, no drugs. Is faithful. Likes spending time with family.

He does a lot of stuff in the house, and I don’t have to do anything for him (cook, wash clothes, all of it he does by himself and sometimes for me) but it seems like money is just something that makes us both awful to each other.

I could make a massive effort and cope with the fact that he’ll always be a financial dead weight, but it just seems like this is becoming worse than everything good in our 15 (11 married and 4 relationship) years of knowing each other.

Should I just s**ck it, and enjoy the good things, and cope with the fact that he’ll never contribute anything financially? Many women are SAHMs/contribute close to nothing, but this just seems different… in a bad way. Because he’s a man? AITAH?

Before you say it: he doesn’t want to go to therapy, he probably has undiagnosed ADHD, and we have a prenup, so if we divorce he literally goes back to mommy’s house without a dime. House is in my name only. Cars are in my name as well. No kids. I’m not sure I want to go through a very painful divorce because of this, but the way things are worsening is becoming i**tolerable…

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

critterguy1955 ( Top 1 ) says

I am an old man, so I probably see things differently than you will. You said that he takes care of things at the house, maintains the cars, is fun to be with, talk to, etc. He does not contribute financially, however, money seems to be sufficient, even though it is “yours.”

I had a wonderful wife who stayed at home, was faithful, honest , loving, and took care of a lot of details in our lives. She did not contribute money, but she contributed everything else. I lost her to covid almost 2 years ago. Please think long and hard about what is valuable in your life. I miss sharing our morning coffee.

I miss our long talks about every subject under the sun. I miss a warm embrace when I came home from work. We enjoyed seeing new things, trying new experiences. We enjoyed sharing dinner. Playing with our rescued dogs. Watching a movie. All of that is gone now.

Sure, I can still go do some of those things, but I can assure you, it is not much fun alone. All of those good things you mention will be gone for you too if you kick him to the curb. Or you hound him about money until he gives up. On a cold winter night, you can’t cuddle with money.

Please seriously consider what is truly valuable in your life. Best wishes to both of you. I truly wish you both the best.

Dapper-Guest-5161 ( Top 2 ) says

I couldn’t even tell you were married. You treat each other like boyfriend/girlfriend. I scrolled back up to check. Would you feel better about him contributing less financially if he consistently did the things SAHPs do-cook/clean/errands/etc for both of you? And how many hours is he devoting to his business?

Ckannon ( Top 3 ) says

I can feel the h**tred for your husband through the words on the screen. Yikes from me

Ok-News172 ( Top 4 ) says

Idk. Me and my wife are a team. It’s not a business transaction. I would hate to see her struggle if I had money (which is the case). I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy a vacation without her. Especially with that sexist bit at the end, you should probably just leave him it doesn’t sound like you love him.

Edit: Wow 5 awards. I’ve never gotten an award before. I just want to thank my family and friends for all the support in helping me to get to this point. What a truly monumental moment, I will remember this forever.

PNW20v ( Top 5 ) says

I can’t imagine having this type of resentment towards my partner. I mean christ, do you even like him as a person or is he really just “dead weight” like you said.

stdnormaldeviant ( Top 6 ) says

why are you married to this person? Your utter contempt for him blazes like a supernova. It’s as if you get off on shitting on him and that’s why you’re still together.
also, this:
>Many women are SAHMs/contribute close to nothing
is gross.

Perfect-Day-3431 ( Top 7 ) says

Have you suggested he do some courses in business management which it sounds like he needs. Cutting him off from the necessities like food or clothing is pretty harsh. I can understand your frustration but marriage is a partnership, 50/50. It’s not just about money.

Conscious_Sun_7507 ( Top 8 ) says

You won’t even share food with him? I get being annoyed he has no money but you eat while he has nothing and you are married? That’s crazy to me. YTA.

[deleted] ( Top 9 ) says

If therapy is not an option and you say things about the man like: “I’m just so tired of helping him” “His little venture”, “[He] failed basic adulting”, “Financial deadweight”, “he literally goes back to mommy’s house”- – – you need to end it.

While the things you said may be true about the guy, just reading it you can taste the vitriol and resentment that you have built up for this man.
If he doesn’t improve, your resentment will continue to fester and grow.

You say you’re compatible, but are you? How compatible can you be with someone while sayin/thinking these things about him? You wrote 8 paragraphs belittling him and only a few sentences about his redeeming qualities.

You either have to continue to help him make it work, without having such a lack of regard for him privately and to his face or move on.
Oh and what about kids? Do you guys see yourselves having kids at any point? Kids cost money.

YTA because while I understand your frustration, you haven’t described a man you truly love, he’s a man you tolerate. Hate is a strong word and I don’t think you hate him but you left me questioning whether that’s where you’re headed in your feelings. I hope you guys are able to work it out somehow though. I got really sad reading your post.

Pure_Evil_AH ( Top 10 ) says

Made an account just for you.To answer the question in the title of your post: no you wouldn’t be an AH for holding your partner to at least some standards of household responsibility and leaving them for leaving you to do all the legwork.

To address the vileness of the content of your post: you are a major AH in general, and if the roles were reversed you’d find it ok because of you genitals? Also who the f**ck can live with their PARTNER of over 11 YEARS and let them starve in their house. I don’t like animals but I have bought food so they don’t starve before animal services come.

You are disgusting in your words and admitted actions and dismissive of the concerns others have shown.If you resent your partner leave and try to find happiness. You do neither of you any favors by continuing. So ESH overall.