AITAH for wanting a divorce after my wife refuses to allow me to read texts from new friend?

A Reddit user is questioning whether he’s justified in considering divorce after his wife became secretive about her texts with a new male friend. Although they’ve always had an open phone policy, she now refuses to share her messages and has even deleted some, leading him to worry about potential emotional infidelity. Read the full story below to see if he’s overreacting or if his concerns are valid.

‘ AITAH for wanting a divorce after my wife refuses to allow me to read texts from new friend?’

I (38) and my wife (33) have always had an open phone policy. We share the same passcode and never once has there ever been any hesitation about exchanging phones, using each others, watching while we text, etc. It’s nothing we go out of the way to do, but if we’re cuddling I’m not gonna hide my screen while I text and vice versa.

Yesterday I accidentally left my phone in the car with her when she dropped me off at work and I asked her to check my messages throughout the day and notify me if anything popped up I needed to respond to.

A few months ago my wife started a new position within her company. She works remotely, but is on a leadership team with 3 others that she works very intimately with. She travels with them as well. Her first time meeting James in person was on a business trip about a month ago.

A series of terrible misfortunes led to them working together into the wee hours of the morning and then sharing his room (the hotel had overbooked) for their final hours of sleep. She slept on the couch.

Since then I’ve noticed her body language when texting him. If she sees me noticing she’ll quickly close her screen and put her phone away. This was making me uncomfortable, but I thought maybe I was being unreasonable. About a week ago I kind of jokingly asked if she had a crush on him.

Her response was denial, but the way she responded made me further suspicious. Then a week ago she tells me he broke up with his gf because he sees how much we love each other and he wants that kind of love.

So two nights ago I did something I’ve never done before in my life. I read their messages while she slept. They go back to the day they met in person. A few things made me uncomfortable:

1. when my wife asked what they should do when they visit (the other team members are coming to our city in a week) James responded with something cheeky and said, oh, right, you meant professionally. Not personally—better to keep it professional.

2. James has a niche hobby in a gym and my wife lied about some of her other friends also being involved in something similar. They discussed going to the gym together and that he could take care of her. She responded by saying, if I did your workout routine I’d die.

3. We went to visit family this last weekend and she sent James photos of our kids (that are amazing and cute and they look so precious) that she hasn’t even sent me.

4. She invited him to participate in a race that would take place in a different state than either ours or his. He accepted the invite. Then she asked me how I felt about her doing this race again this year, that a few people from her company would be participating and she’d like to go. She conveniently left out that James would be there.

Yesterday morning I tell her I’m uncomfortable with their friendship. When I had asked if she had a crush she did tell me that she felt immediate friend chemistry with him and she loved the feeling of excitement she gets with their interactions. But she also became defensive and upset that I didn’t trust her.

Last night I told her I didn’t trust him. That even if she’s not interested I think, for a number of reasons, that he’s flirting. I told her I wanted to get over my unease, and asked if I could read her messages. That’s something since day one she’s always told me I was allowed to do. I’ve never asked to do it before.

She was livid. She said she’s disgusted by how quickly I’ve become so controlling over her and how I’ve taken my discomfort from 0 to 60 over him. She says it’s not about her relationship with him at all, but about how controlling I am around all her friendships.

And I admit, I have been hurt by how frequently she’ll go out with friends where I’m not invited or she’ll go to a party and not invite me. We’ve had disagreements about this before. Because she’s welcome when and where I am 100%.

After a big blow up I went and took a shower. When I got out I asked again to see the messages. She, very pissed, gave me her phone and declared, here—happy now?? Here’s every thing from the beginning and had scrolled to the top.

I immediately went to recently deleted messages and saw she had deleted 60 messages between them while I was in the shower. I said to her, why did you delete these messages between you? She asked how I knew she did? I told her I went to this section and showed her.

She grabbed the phone and refused to let me see it again the rest of the evening. We fought more and she told me I wouldn’t be allowed to look at all now. She regretted deleting them as she sees it’s escalating the situation, but that she thought some messages from yesterday would upset me. They had exchanged songs and he had mentioned that one of them was sexy.

We went to bed and I again went through her phone. Sure enough, the deleted messages were exactly what she said. Kind of—the messages about the song exchanges was only 16, but she had deleted 60. I don’t know which others she felt she needed to keep from me.

This morning I asked her again to see it. I asked her again what she deleted and she doubled down that it was only the song messages. She tells me she’ll cut off her friendship with James entirely before she’ll ever show me the messages.

She tells me any friendship she could have with him is totally tainted now by my controlling behavior. I tell her I can’t trust her. That any reasonable human would be suspicious of their partner if they behaved the way she has around this.

She told me my feelings are a me problem and she’s not in control of how I feel. I told her all I need is to see them (because I want to talk about some of what I know with her) to feel at ease. She told me if I felt so strongly about it I had a choice to make.

AITAH for wanting to divorce over this whole thing? I don’t believe she’s physically cheated at all. But I do feel like she’s well on her way to at least emotionally cheating if this doesn’t already qualify.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

slippinginto9 −  OP your wife has lied both openly and by omission. What other evidence do you need to make a decision?

EngineeringOk1885 −  What company has male and female employees share a hotel room? That sounds sketchy as hell. Also, her unwillingness to share the text chain seems to indicate she is more-stressed at being caught cheating than in saving the marriage. You need to give her the ultimatum.

peace_out16 −  She’s engaging in an emotional affair and she’s gastlighting (I hate to use this word but that’s what she’s doing right no) and turning the table on you. Put your foot down and tell her this is serious matter that you are considering divorce for her dishonesty and for breaking your trust.

She doesn’t have to act defensive and hide and delete messages between them if everything is entirely innocent. She is defenitely cheating and thinking she can get away with it by accusing you of being controlling. Stand your ground and don’t let her guilt trip and manipulate you on letting this issue go away or she will do it again and hide it better this time.. UpdateMe.

Newbie053 −  NTA. Deleting the messages shows a guilty conscience from her side. If her feelings were just to a friend she would not have to delete those messages. There definitely is a spark between them, and she is definitely attracted to him even if no physical cheating has happened yet.

You may be morally wrong for checking her phone without consent but it’s better to be an AH than to be a fool or to be cheated on. Don’t let her b**ly you into thinking that you are insecure or just overreacting, the messages and her reaction to everything makes things doubtful and suspicious, and her reaction has not helped increase any trust towards her.

But if anything happens now will be even more difficult to catch bcz they will be more careful. How do you know about the hotel story and that to be the truth of what actually transpired between them? If that was a point of change in your wife’s behaviour then maybe something happened then?

buffinator2 −  Ain’t no way they shared a hotel room and he was the only one in the bed.

DogPanPan_13 −  The classic ‘I’m not hiding anything, but let’s just delete 60 messages’ move! Sounds like your wife is auditioning for a role in a soap opera called ‘Trust Issues: The Musical.

neverfearcovid −  NTA. Although you are pretty naive and clueless if you think she slept on the couch, and that they ended up in the same room due to “misfortunes.” I’d bet my net worth they are physically involved. Not to mention she is g**lighting you and it’s working. Sorry to say your marriage is over, and you are right to seek a divorce.

Historical-Pie-5052 −  NTA. She goes to parties and tells you you’re not invited? And now this? Bro, it sounds like you should have already gotten that ball rolling. I’d be on the phone with some lawyers ASAP.

Tall-Negotiation6623 −  NTA. She’s already emotionally cheating and probably has every intention to escalate to physical if that hasn’t already happened. She’s keeping things from you and getting defensive immediately. And if you are reacting to changed and shady behaviour and want to see the texts, then that isn’t controlling behaviour.

That’s just you not being dumb. You don’t trust her and for good reason. Yeah, technically therapy might help, but since your wife is refusing to acknowledged she is doing anything wrong and only wants to blame you, then therapy won’t work. As a child of divorce, it’s better to leave before things get n**ty.

AdAgitated8109 −  NTA, she is having an emotional affair that is trending to physical, if it hasn’t already. Filing for divorce is your lever to either move on with your life or to cause her to understand the seriousness of her actions.
You can always stop the process if she gets serious about repairing the damage. I’d also recommend reading “Not Just Friends”.