AITAH for threatening to divorce my wife if she doesn’t discipline her son?

A father (45M) is at odds with his wife (47F) over how to handle the behavior of her son, Noah (14), who has been bullying his stepbrother, Spencer (15). The bullying centers around class differences, with Noah mocking Spencer’s thrifted clothes and limited resources compared to Noah’s more privileged lifestyle, funded by his biological father.

Despite multiple conversations, the wife has refused to discipline Noah, dismissing the bullying as attempts to get a reaction. Frustrated by his wife’s inaction, the father issued an ultimatum: either she disciplines Noah, or he will pursue a divorce to protect his son from further mistreatment.

Now, the wife accuses him of being manipulative and abusive for threatening their marriage over parenting disagreements.

‘ AITAH for threatening to divorce my wife if she doesn’t discipline her son?’

I (45m) am married to my wife (47f). We both have teen sons from previous relationships, her son Noah (14) and my son Spencer (15). Spencer’s biological mom (my ex) is a deadbeat who doesn’t pay her child support and hasn’t spoken to Spencer in years, while Noah’s biological dad is very involved in Noah’s life and takes him every other week.

Noah’s dad also makes a fair bit more money than either me or my wife, and this leads to Noah having nicer things than Spencer. Ex: Noah has a fairly new iPhone while Spencer has an old model with a cracked screen.

Noah’s dad has promised to pay his way through college, while Spencer works two part time jobs (by his choice) to start saving up but will still probably have to take out loans.

Most relevant to our current problem, Spencer wears almost exclusively second hand/thrifted clothes while Noah’s dad buys him department store/name brand clothes.
Because of the difference in the way the two boys dress,

Noah has taken to making fun of Spencer for looking “like a hobo” “like he crawled out of a g**tter” and “like trailer trash”. Just n**sty, unnecessary, and in my opinion very classist insults. It’s not like Spencer doesn’t put effort into his appearance either, we just don’t have the money to fill his closet with $30 tshirts and $75 pairs of jeans.

Now, Spencer has a bit of a temper and the difference between his things and Noah’s things is a sore spot, as a result the boys have gotten into several shouting matches and one major physical altercation (Spencer is tall for his age and Noah hit puberty late so it was more of a beat down than a fight, though no one went to the hospital).

I’ve spoken to my wife multiple times about disciplining Noah, but she insists that he’s just doing it to get a reaction out of Spencer, and the solution is for Spencer to “stop falling for it” rather than any consequences or even a strong conversation for Noah.

I may have accepted this if Noah was in elementary school, but he’s a teenager and a teenager need to at least be told not to antagonize his stepbrother who he knows has outbursts. I’ve tried to talk to Noah myself but he just says “you’re not my dad you can’t tell me what to do”.

And yes, I have talked to Spencer about keeping his temper in check but at this point, it’s not his fault when he’s constantly being demeaned for something he has no control over.After the aforementioned physical incident, I gave my wife an ultimatum: discipline Noah or I’m leaving.

I told her that I couldn’t keep my son in a home where he’s constantly on edge because she refuses to parent her son. I told her that, as a step parent, I have little authority over Noah so it’s on her to set him straight. She asked me if I was seriously considering divorcing her over the way she parents her son, and I said yes.

That this isn’t about her, but about protecting my son from Noah’s b**llying. She told me I was being m**nipulative and that threatening divorce over every little thing is a**usive. I tried to explain that this isn’t a “little thing” and she just told me to give her a few days to think things over, and I agreed to give her a week before I would contact a lawyer. AITAH?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

miyuki_m ( Top 1 ) says

NTA. Noah is b**llying Spencer, and your wife is ignoring her responsibility to raise a decent human being. Spencer deserves better, and as his father, you have a responsibility to protect him. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who thinks my son should just put up with being bullied by their kid instead of teaching their kid not to be a b**lly.

-chelle- ( Top 2 ) says

NTA – Honestly, I’d start looking into lawyers now anyways. Maybe she’ll say things will change but I doubt they’ll change for long or maybe it’ll just change when you’re around. She’s blaming your son for being bullied and downplaying her sons actions.

Not sure why you’d want to be with someone who’d even think that that kind of behavior is acceptable. Try to get your son some help for his anger issues and take a look at things that you might qualify for due to having a lower income. Your son is working 2 jobs at 15.. he’s worried about what his future looks like.

Front_Rip4064 ( Top 3 ) says

NTA.
“Just doing it to get a reaction” is called b**llying. Your wife is enabling her son in his becoming a classiest d!ck.
Kudos to you for putting your son first.

Glinda-The-Witch ( Top 4 ) says

NTA. She wouldn’t be so nonchalant about it if it was her child being bullied. Stick to your guns, you’re teaching your son. the best thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation in which you are being bullied and that you are willing to stand up for him. Your wife is an AH.

coupleofgorganzolas ( Top 5 ) says

Good for you. NTA. Dad award due though.

Narrow-Strawberry830 ( Top 6 ) says

NTA. Well done. Great job showing up for your kid in the ways you can.

messy_thoughts47 ( Top 7 ) says

NTA. Thank you for standing up for your son.
Side note: don’t give her a week. I’d bet money she’s taking the week to speak to a divorce attorney. You need to find a divorce attorney as well during this week. Be prepared.

[deleted] ( Top 8 ) says

NTA they can both kick rocks

Intrepid_Potential60 ( Top 9 ) says

Your son needs you and you stepped up. NTA

SouthernSwingers ( Top 10 ) says

NTA. Look, I’m not gonna say it’s right, but if the message isn’t heard the first time an ass-kicking occurs, a couple more might finally get it across.