AITAH for the reason I had for rejecting a girl?

A 24-year-old man (cis) recently ended things with a woman he met on a dating app after discovering on their fourth date that she was a post-op trans woman. He told her he wasn’t comfortable continuing the relationship, though he respects her gender identity. She accused him of being transphobic, but he feels conflicted.

He supports LGBTQ+ rights and respects trans women, but says he experiences discomfort at the idea of dating a trans woman, as it conflicts with his personal beliefs and values. Now, he wonders if his decision makes him the bad guy or if it’s valid to prioritize his preferences.

‘ AITAH for the reason I had for rejecting a girl?’

I am a 24M (cis) and recently had a really bad experience with dating app, where I was seeing this woman. On our fourth date when things took a turn for the sexual, she told me she was trans, but was post op.I rejected her that moment and told her, “sorry I thought you were a cis woman.

Even though I would respect you and treat you as a woman, I am not comfortable seeing you anymore” She told me I was transphobic.

Look, I support LGBTQ+ rights and do think they deserve a space in women’s common areas (if they reasonably pass, else it can make other people uncomfortable in their designated spaces or cast doubt on the sincerity of their claims about their gender identity) but dating is off limits for me even for post op.

It’s not about wanting to have kids, neither it is about genital preference completely. But something about them intrinsically being the same member of the s**x DOES turn me off and makes me uncomfortable.

Somewhere along the lines, considering a trans woman and a cis woman indistinguishable ONLY IN THE DATING SCENE, makes me experience cognitive dissonance, because even though I outwardly respect and appreciate trans women and respect their gender identities, it is meaningless to me. It simply doesn’t align with my values.

Maybe, I’m just incompatible with a trans person based on beliefs and value systems, I don’t know. I like being polite, and that’s why I refer to them by their preferred pronouns or respect their beliefs about being the gender they claim to me. It’s what gives them happiness and I have no right to take that away from them.

But should I really make myself uncomfortable just to not risk being called transphobic? AITAH for rejecting a girl?

[deleted] ( Top 1 ) says

1. Genital preference is ok
Editing to add: genital preference is not *simply* vaginas vs penises. I personally have a genital preference for intact (uncircumcised) penises. Some people don’t like short or long labias. Some people like dark genital skin, some don’t. Some like pubic hair, others don’t. That’s all perfectly ok.

What’s not ok is guilt tripping and coercing someone by using inflammatory labels into interacting with genitalia that they are not comfortable or interested in interacting with. Sexual interaction is a personal choice and no one else’s.

2. Not having the emotional bandwidth to support a partner who has extra or different needs – mental health, gender transitioning, t**xic parental relationships, handicaps, food allergies, cultural or religious differences, long distance relationships, not wanting kids – is ok

3. Rejecting anyone for any reason is ok, just do it with kindness and respect.Some people will say otherwise and they are wrong. They’ll say I’m wrong. People have different opinions. You get to decide who’s opinions align with your beliefs.

Edit: changed the word transgenderism. Didn’t know it was a far right term, I’ve only heard it from my hometown which is very liberal so idk. Thanks for the info y’all. Someone said there is no exact replacement so I did my best to replace it with something else.

Double edit: rip my inbox. I gotta stop replying now and look like I’ve been working Lolol thanks for the majority of responses for being respectful regardless of their opinion. I personally believe very strongly in Freedom of Choice and Freedom of Thought.

DatguyMalcolm ( Top 2 ) says

NTA Calling you transphobic just because you won’t date her is just wrong. Had she told you from the get go, none of you would be in that situation. This is the same as omitting someone has kids etc
Edit to say:
Right, “from the get go” was wrong of me to say, considering they have to take their safety into account

gabehcoudgib ( Top 3 ) says

NTA. You are allowed to date whom ever you want.This might be an unpopular opinion. She feels female, she has had HRT and surgeries to make he body female, and as such she deserves to be treated like a female in every aspect, but at the end of the day, she is still biologically male and her partner needs to be okay with that.

You owe her nothing except respect and human dignity that you should show everyone, regardless of race, gender, religion, ethnicity etc. If you’re not into her because she was born male, that alone does not make you transphobic. That’s like telling a gay man that he must hate women because he has no interest in dating them.

Medical-Team-7577 ( Top 4 ) says

NTA at all. You didn’t disrespect her in any way. As a cis woman I would want to know upfront about the situation and be allowed to decide for myself before being put into that situation. I am 100% a supporter, it’s just not right for me either. You were not phobic in any way.

You have a right to what makes you happy and you didn’t deserve that comment in any way. Sounds like they’re projecting their insecurities on you.

Global-Talk6021 ( Top 5 ) says

NTA. You have the right to date who you want. I’m so tired of the word phobic being thrown around the way it is.

Satori2155 ( Top 6 ) says

NTA. The idea that its transphobic to not want to date trans people is a really sad attempt at manipulating people. You are allowed to have preferences and you arent required to date anyone for any reason.

hmagg68 ( Top 7 ) says

As a trans girl, it’s all over my profile and I ask about past experiences with other trans or queer people long before the first date when dating cis people. To me, it’s like not being into super skinny girls, or really liking ginger girls. Some people really like their girls without dicks, some people really like their girls with dicks.

Just don’t be an a**shole about it. Most trans girls I know don’t wait to reveal their trans. The only exception is meeting someone in person (not an app) and you pass so they assume you’re cis. You still have to reveal that fact long before you get sexual, because god forbid someone gets upset and violent.

Union_Heckin_Strong ( Top 8 ) says

I don’t think this is as simple as, YTA, or NTA. On the one hand, dating is the one pool where you can absolutely be as discriminatory as you want. It’s your body and your love life. You can love whoever you want and not whoever you want, regardless of the reason. But…. I think you might be more transphobic than you think you are.

You said you’re perfectly comfortable with trans women in women’s spaces, just so long as they’re “passing.” My guy, that is so subjective. Also, trans women shouldn’t have to go all the way in their transformation just to be accepted in their own spaces. They deserve to simply exist.

There were a couple of times that you referred to the trans experience as though it was a lifestyle they were choosing, instead of the life they were simply born with. I think if you try to reexamine your biases in this area, it can help you shed some bigotry, which, of course, can help you lead a loving life with your fellow human inhabitants.

It’s 100% okay to admit to this. I’m a gender fluid bisexual, and sometimes I wind up having to check my internalized misogyny and homophobia. We all can fall prey to bigotry if we leave it unchecked.

[deleted] ( Top 9 ) says

You are not an a**shole at all. You like what you like.The acceptance pendulum is swinging wildly right now, and as with any acceptance movement, it struggles to find its feet and extreme’s take hold. Calling someone transphobic because they don’t want to date a trans person is one of those extremes.

loverofmanybreads ( Top 10 ) says

This post seems so f**ke and like it’s pushing an agenda. trans people (specifically trans women) are way too afraid for their lives to criticise a cis male for rejecting them. this s**it is not an actual issue in real life. besides teenagers on twitter, trans people don’t care that you’re not attracted to us.