AITAH for telling someone I don’t like them because they’re trans?

A Reddit user shared a story about a conflict with a long-time friend who recently came out as transgender. After enduring months of being intentionally misgendered and given a feminized nickname by this friend, the user finally snapped during a party, expressing their frustration in a heated moment. The fallout has left the user questioning whether they were in the wrong. Read the full story below to understand the complexities of their situation.

‘ AITAH for telling someone I don’t like them because they’re trans?’

I know it sounds bad from the title but just hear me out. So I (M23) have this friend “Ashley” (MtF) that I have known for years and has only recently come out as trans, about 9 months or so ago. Pre-transition Ashley identified as a gay man and we got on really well, we would hang out one on one outside of our friend group which is mainly girls and gay guys.

Pretty much as soon as she came out she would refer to me with female pronouns and feminising my name when talking about me (even with strangers). At the beginning I just let it go because she had a lot going on and I thought she’d move on from it, she didn’t and it started to get more consistent and malicious(?).

I mentioned it to some of the other girls in our group and they agree it’s weird and the irony of a trans person purposely misgendering and using a different name for someone isn’t lost on any of us. I’ve spoken to Ashley and they have too but she just blows it off as a joke and that we’re being overly sensitive. As it started getting worse I would spend more time with other friends and when I was with the Ashley friend group I’d make a swift enough exit when Ashley got there.

It all came to a head at a house party a couple weeks ago, I’d had a bit to drink before Ashley arrived and went straight into referring to me as a she and using my feminised name. When this happened I’d just move rooms and not really say anything, later on in the night she caught me outside having a smoke with some other friends and accused me of not liking her anymore because she’s trans (it’s not the first time she’s used the “because I’m trans” line but it’s the first time I’ve risen to it).

I was annoyed, exacerbated and drunk so I basically told her “it’s only since you’ve come out that you think it’s fine to transify me, not using my name or respecting my pronouns and if you think that’s ok because you’re trans then, yes, i dislike you because youre trans” and with that i left.

I heard later on from friends that I was outside smoking with that Ashley went inside crying after it all went down and accused me of an unprovoked transphobic tirade, thankfully they told everybody what actually happened and how it went down, it killed the mood of the party and it ended pretty quickly after that.

I definitely could’ve handled it better but I feel like if the roles were reversed and I was dead naming and misgendering Ashley purposefully I’d be absolutely villainized. I’ve had a couple of the girls text me and ask me to apologise to make peace and I probably would have if Ashley didn’t go in and accuse me of what she did.

I’m conflicted, I haven’t really spoken to anyone in that friend group properly since it happened and that hurts because they are close friends of mine but I also feel like I need to stand up for myself so helo me out, AITAH?

Check out how the community responded:

InterestingGate7002 −  NTA. Sounds like Ashley is using her trans status to do whatever she wants and avoid the consequences of her actions.

jen_nanana −  NTA. But also I have a lot of questions because this is weird. Is she doing this to other friends in the group or just you? If it’s just you, I’m surprised no one else jumped in to correct her misgendering you. If other people in the group don’t see that as a problem and think you’re in the wrong, it might be time to remove those people from your life. Especially since, if the roles were reversed, they would likely call you out for misgendering/dead-naming Ashley.

BlueGreen_1956 −  NTA. Even a trans person can be a complete a**hole, and Ashley is one of those. You did nothing wrong. Any friends who think otherwise are not your friends.

Similar-Traffic7317 −  NTA at all. Being trans doesn’t mean you get to be an a**hole free of charge.

lucypaw68 −  NTA. Misgendering other people and telling them “it’s a joke” is what *bigots* do to trans people, and it’s really not any better when a trans person does it to a cis person. It’s just stunningly hypocritical.

Look, I know early transition is very hard for most of us who transition. And, if you’re on HRT, puberty is rough, regardless of your age or if it’s your first or second puberty. But being an a**hole is not cool. It’s a shame another trans person can’t take her aside and ask what is going on with her that she thinks what’s used against us is “funny” when done by her.

C_H-A-O_S −  Nah, that’s a s**tty person. I’m trans, I know s**tty trans people. We’re not above the law, for lack of a better word, when it comes to social interactions.

New_Pea1637 −  You’re very obviously NTA, I don’t get why Ashley was doing that, it really seems like it is to p**s you off. And calling your reaction transphobic is beyond dumb. Good riddance. And people asking you to apologize are brain dead as well.

LamuneRain −  NTA. Tho it would be good to sit her down and tell her you can’t be friend with her anymore. Not because she is trans but because she doesn’t respects you. Having one last conversation about your boundaries and how she ve been crossing it again and again and you can’t take it anymore would be good.

Than making a joke on you that doesnt make you laugh is basically b**lying and you wont be friend with someone that bullies you. And record the conv in case she tried to turn around the conversation and tries to say you were being transphobe.

DarksBlossom −  NTA, honestly. It sounds like Ashley is being really disrespectful and using her trans status as an excuse. Everyone deserves respect for their identity, including you. Maybe try having a calm conversation with her about boundaries if you want to salvage the friendship. Otherwise, prioritize your peace.

Actual-Clue-3165 −  Nta while you could have worded it differently, her being trans gives her absolutely no right to misgender people on purpose. This to me is the same as if you were to call her by he/him pronouns and a masculine name, it’s just not ok. If she can’t stop, I’d consider it the end of the friendship. Have a conversation, tell her you feel deeply disrespected as she would if you did it to her and that if she doesn’t stop, you can’t be friends.