AITAH for telling someone I don’t like them because they’re trans?

Interpersonal conflicts often expose the challenges of navigating identity, language, and respect—especially within the LGBTQ+ community. In one recent account, a 23‐year‐old friend (M23) describes how his long‐time buddy Ashley (MtF) began using female pronouns and feminized versions of his name shortly after coming out as trans. Initially, the misgendering was brushed off as “just a joke.”

But when it became increasingly persistent—and even took a malicious turn at a house party—the tension reached a boiling point. In a moment fueled by frustration and alcohol, the poster lashed out: “if you think that’s ok because you’re trans then, yes, I dislike you because you’re trans.” Now, he’s conflicted, wondering whether his reaction was justified.

‘AITAH for telling someone I don’t like them because they’re trans?’

Repeated misgendering can be deeply hurtful and invalidating—especially when it comes from someone you once trusted. In this case, Ashley, who recently came out as trans, began referring to the poster using female pronouns and a feminized version of his name—a dramatic shift from how she addressed him before her transition.

While it’s understandable that the poster felt disrespected and frustrated by being repeatedly misgendered, experts warn that responding with a statement like “I dislike you because you’re trans” risks perpetuating harmful cycles of retaliation.

Dr. Jody Wilfong explains that even when misgendering is a recurring issue, using someone’s trans identity as the basis for a hurtful comeback mirrors the very behavior that causes pain. Instead of escalating the conflict by attributing his discomfort solely to her trans identity, a more constructive approach would be to address the behavior directly: explain how her choice of pronouns and name—when used intentionally or maliciously—makes him feel invalidated, and request that she use the correct pronouns consistently.

Mental health professionals emphasize that clear, calm dialogue can help both parties understand each other’s boundaries. In this situation, if Ashley’s misgendering was meant as a joke or a misguided attempt at humor, then a private conversation where both sides share their feelings might have been more effective in resolving the hurt.

Ultimately, while the poster’s reaction stems from genuine pain at being disrespected, experts advise that conflict resolution should focus on mutual respect and accountability rather than returning hurtful language that reinforces transphobic tropes.

Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit community is divided. Many argue that OP isn’t at fault since being repeatedly misgendered is deeply hurtful, and mirroring that behavior can be a way to reclaim respect. Others, however, suggest that instead of escalating the situation with a harsh response, OP might have benefited from a calm, private conversation explaining how the misgendering made him feel. Overall, most agree that consistently using the wrong pronouns and name is unacceptable, and if Ashley continues this behavior despite corrections, then OP’s reaction is understandable.

This case highlights the tricky terrain of interpersonal communication within communities where identity is both deeply personal and politicized. On one hand, being misgendered is undeniably hurtful and invalidating. On the other, retaliating with statements like “I dislike you because you’re trans” risks reinforcing the very biases you oppose.

Ultimately, the question is not simply about who is “right” or “wrong” but about finding a way to uphold respect for everyone’s identity. How can we demand respect for our own pronouns and names while avoiding language that, even inadvertently, dismisses someone else’s identity?

What would you do if a friend repeatedly misgendered you? Is there a way to address the hurt without resorting to blanket judgments about someone’s entire identity? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—let’s foster a conversation that moves us all toward more empathetic dialogue.