AITAH for telling my wife she can leave because I’m not kicking my older kids out?

A Redditor struggles with escalating tensions in his blended family after his two older children move in full-time due to issues at their mother’s home. His wife, who feels uncomfortable around his older kids.

Demands they leave permanently after a minor accident involving their toddler. In response, the Redditor firmly defends his kids, even suggesting his wife could leave if she’s unhappy with the situation. Read the full story below…

‘ AITAH for telling my wife she can leave because I’m not kicking my older kids out?’

I (43m) have been with to my current wife Amanda (42f) for the past six years and we have two daughters (Becca 4f and Eliza 2f) together while I have 2 kids from my previous marriage Liam (17m) and Sage (15f). The divorce was less than amicable and since my ex wife had more money and a better paying job she was awarded primary custody despite me fighting it.

For the last 8 years I’ve had my older kids every other weekend and on Wednesdays. A few weeks ago my older kids asked if they could live with us full-time due to issues with their stepdad. Liam especially had come to blows with him a few times and even their mother thought it would be for the best.

I did talk to my wife about it and I know she wasn’t happy as she feels uncomfortable around my older kids, although this is something she neglected to tell me until we had our first child together. Things since Liam and Sage moved in have been hard and as much as I’d love to get some family therapy my wife is against it and we’re on a waiting list.

Before when my kids would come over my wife would take our daughters to her parents a lot to ‘give us space’ even though I never asked for it. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure being a stepparent is difficult but my kids are really good kids. They have straight As, lots of friends, play sports, and are incredibly respectful.

I know I’m biased but people go out of their way to tell me these things! So it has been terrible watching Amanda nitpick everything they do. Almost as if she’s waiting for them to slip up so she can send them back to their moms. We had already gotten into an argument over the holidays due to her trying to push them out of our traditions.

Our older daughter Becca is going through a biting phase. Her school wants her to get OT and I’ve been working with our insurance since Amanda doesn’t like the one at the school but as always it seems like there’s an endless waitlist. So obviously the house is tense and we’ve all been walking on eggshells.

Then yesterday morning when I was making us some breakfast we heard a scream and Becca came into the kitchen crying and saying that Sage hit her. Amanda ran into the den where Liam and Sage were and started screaming at them to leave.

She was obviously pissed but Sage told her she was sorry, she had been done with the tv so had changed it to one of the girls’ shows and Becca got excited and bit her. She said she didn’t mean to slap her and felt bad. I immediately calmed down because I think anyone has been there but Amanda didn’t believe her. Sage had a bite mark for gods sake.

Things continued escalating and our girls were crying and Amanda screamed at both of my older kids to leave. Sage told her she would so she could calm down and that pissed Amanda off more. Liam and Sage left for a friends and ended up spending the night there.

So for the past day Amanda has been on one saying I needed to pack their things and send them back to my ex-wife’s permanently. I can’t keep dealing with this BS. I told her this morning that it was an accident and she needed to let it go but she’s refusing, even threatening to call the police (?).

She said she could never be comfortable with her babies around Sage anymore and that she didn’t feel safe. I laughed because Amanda herself once hit Becca for biting her! She ended up taking the girls to her moms and I told my kids to come back. Amanda has been texting me that she’ll be back tomorrow and the kids needed to be gone.

I was ignoring her but finally said this was their home and if she was comfortable she could pack up and leave. My parents came over and basically told me I wasn’t wrong but shouldn’t have said she should leave.

I know there are some things you can take back but at this point I almost mean it. I would hate to deal with another divorce but Amanda has been so terrible to my older kids the past few weeks I honestly feel like she’s become a different person.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

writing_mm_romance −  I get the feeling that your wife was expecting you’d move on from your older kids once you and she had your children together. That they would be your new family and you’d just forget the first one. If she’d succeeded you would have become the divorced dad trope that I LOATHE reading about on Reddit.

She underestimated your commitment to your children, she expected you to choose her. It’s important to show all four of your kids that they’ll be in your top priorities always. NTA, sounds like you’re doing it right!

BlueGreen_1956 −  NTA. Amanda needs to go. It’s a shame you share kids with her, but I would never trust her again.

merishore25 −  NTA. This woman doesn’t want your children in the family. You do not have a choice at this point. Your wife is against therapy and doesn’t want to work through this.

Your older children must be so confused and feel the constant r**ection from your wife, let alone their mother. One question I have is why did your wife always feel uncomfortable. What did they do specifically. If nothing, she just doesn’t want a blended family.

OneChocolate7248 −  NTA – as a stepmom, I hate people like your wife. She’s the type that gives us a bad name. She needs to leave. Protect your children. 

Kindly_Delicious −  NTA. Getting randomly bitten out of the blue by a 4 yr old would make anyone reactively slap. The older daughter now knows the little one bites (that needs to be fixed asap, wth biting??) and apologized that it was an accident. New wife is overreacting. She probably resents you have kids prior to her.

Any-Expression2246 −  She’s got other reasons for hating your kids. Reasons that are on her and she’s making them out to be the problem. This won’t end well unless she realizes it. Prepare for the worst, but stick up for your kids because this will get tricky.

lucafh232 −  NTA. It’s critical in blended families to ensure that all children feel equally welcome and safe in their home. Your primary responsibility is to protect and provide for all your children. While Amanda’s feelings and difficulties in adjusting to a larger, blended family are understandable,

her response to the incident and her demands are not proportionate or fair, particularly given that it was an accident confirmed by a visible bite mark. Family therapy sounds necessary, and it’s concerning that Amanda is resistant.

Standing up for your older children and ensuring they have a stable home environment is important, and it’s reasonable to expect your spouse to work towards harmony rather than division in the family.

Ok_Protection3775 −  NTA. If she didn’t want to be a stepmom, she shouldn’t have married someone with kids. Keep standing up for your kids, specially knowing that (basically) they only have you now.

Nonby_Gremlin −  NTA but make sure you talk with your older kids about how much you do love and want them. I hate that both their stepparents are being awful. Not having a safe home as a kid can be really damaging (ask me how I know.) If your wife is unwilling to do therapy/mediation then she needs to understand that WILL result in divorce.

FriendlyAstronomer91 −  I haven’t spoken to my old man in almost ten years and we haven’t had a relationship since I was 14 (52 now). All because of my stepmom. I tried over the years, but eventually gave up. Don’t let her do this mate. I really could have used fatherly advice over the years. They won’t always be children, but they’ll always be your children.

Do you think the father was right to stand his ground for his older kids, or should he have approached the situation differently to protect his marriage? How would you balance the dynamics of a blended family when tensions run high? Share your thoughts below!