AITAH For Telling My SIL That I’ve Had Four Miscarriages When She Said I Didn’t Understand Her Loss?
A Reddit user shares a tense family dinner where a deeply personal revelation about past miscarriages arose after being told they “couldn’t understand” a sister-in-law’s loss.
The emotional exchange has left the user questioning whether sharing their experience was supportive or insensitive. Read the full story below to weigh in on this delicate situation!
‘ AITAH For Telling My SIL That I’ve Had Four Miscarriages When She Said I Didn’t Understand Her Loss?’
34F. I’m married and a momma to a one year old daughter. My husband and I actually had a very difficult time becoming parents. I’ve had four miscarriages (four before my daughter was born), but I’m honestly just so thankful that we have her.
I don’t typically speak about my fertility issues, and the only people who know how about my miscarriages my parents, husband, and two older sisters. My husband has a SIL (31F) who we love dearly, but she tends to play the “woe is me” card and act like no one else is struggling as much as her.
She and her husband recently got pregnant, and about a month ago, she had a miscarriage. She’s been open about it on social media and at family events, and so I’ve reached out and expressed my condolences and listened several times.
I can tell that she’s really struggling with this, and I genuinely feel badly that she’s suffering. On Saturday night, we went to my in-laws house for dinner. My SIL was talking about the miscarriage, and how hard it’s been.
My little girl was sitting on my lap, but she was playing and obviously didn’t understand what her aunt was talking about. At one point, my SIL started crying, and my daughter noticed and got upset. She wanted to give my SIL a kiss to make it better (she always does this when someone is upset).
I told my SIL that my daughter wanted to give her a kiss, and she said “no” pretty harshly and looked annoyed. My daughter was confused, and I told her to give me a big kiss instead. My husband said that was rude, since our daughter noticed she was sad and just wanted to make her feel better.
My SIL then said it’s just hard that both of her brothers have happy and healthy babies when her child is dead. She said she loves her niece and is so happy that she’s here, but she’s sad she and her husband haven’t been blessed with a child yet.
This deeply upset me, because I can’t believe she’d be triggered by her own niece. I’ve never looked at my sister’s kids or my BIL’s kids and felt anything other than joy that they were in the world.
My SIL must have noticed I was uncomfortable, because she proceeded to say that we couldn’t possibly understand since we haven’t ever lost a child. I should have kept my mouth shut, but that comment and assumption was the last straw.
I told my SIL that we do understand, since I had four miscarriages. I said that it took YEARS of trying before I brought my beautiful girl into the world. My MIL (who’s very kind and empathetic) hugged me and said she was so sorry to hear I’d struggled with that.
My SIL was shocked, and asked why we never told anyone. I said I’m private, wanted to process it on my own, and have a hard time talking about my own hardships because I know everyone else is going through things as well.
Anyways, my husband told me that his sister called him and is upset. She said I was trying to compete with her by saying I had four miscarriages. She also said I was trying to make the conversation about me when her wounds are still fresh.
She also commented that I was being passive aggressive when I said everyone is going through things and that I was minimizing her loss. My husband was laughing when he told me, but I actually feel a bit guilty. Maybe it wasn’t appropriate to bring up my miscarriages in that moment, but her comment really got under my skin. AITAH?
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Neither_Building_306 − Your SIL is an emotional succubus. She is the one who took the drama to the next level, saying that nobody can possibly understand when, in fact, many people can understand, and miscarriages are much more common than it is realized.
Aynaking − She likes the attention, and it sounds like she didn’t like that you also have suffered. Probably feels attacked because you have handled it better or more private at least. You did nothing wrong!
OttersAreCute215 − NTA. Someone once told me that suffering is not a competitive sport.
oopsydurz − It’s never bothered you to be around children when you struggled with infertility, but that really isn’t true of everyone. Your sister in law is upset because her brother has been able to have a child and she hasn’t yet, and your daughter is a direct reminder of that.
Its okay for that to be upsetting for her, even if it doesn’t bother you. She’s not resentful your daughter exists, it’s a painful reminder of what is so close, and still very far away. Your sil is no saint, but it is understandable why she might not want a kiss from your daughter in that moment. She has a ways to go in turning it down gracefully.
petulafaerie_III − NTA
She said I was trying to compete with her. Nope. Projection. She was the one playing grief competition by telling you that you could never understand her pain. She’s just pissed because you won the competition she chose to start lol.
TheTerribleTailypo − So, my take is a little different from what a lot of people are saying here. Your sil JUST had her miscarriage and she is still very emotionally raw. She got upset and had big feelings. That is okay. She didn’t handle it well with your baby, and that is something we can have compassion for.
You say, “This deeply upset me, because I can’t believe she’d be triggered by her own niece” — This is understandable, but it isn’t actually a great sentiment. She has the right to her feelings, and to be triggered by what triggers her, regardless of what you think.
That isn’t something for you to criticize or judge her for, even though it is hard because the subject is so painful and raw. And I get it — you don’t have to be perfect, any more than she does. You had a knee-j**k reaction, but it was judgmental of her pain — perhaps especially because she is prone to ‘woe is me’ shenanigans.
I get it. But since you were already feeling critical of her for getting triggered by her own niece, and since she had just been kind of a turd to your precious baby, maybe your “We get it because we have had four miscarriages” \*did\* have just the *slightest* edge to it?
I don’t know, because I wasn’t there. But I could see this as being NOBODY is TAH. Everyone deserves a little bit of grace here.
mysteriousears − Not everyone wants your child to kiss them. Especially under this circumstance. It worries me that you and your husband don’t understand that.
[Reddit User] − I’m going to say ESH. since you had your own fertility issues, you should know that awful feeling of worry that it’ll never happen for you. If she just had the miscarriage, maybe being around family with kids is still hard for her.
My wife and I struggled for three years before conceiving and I can assure you that some days it was hard to be around my nieces and nephews. Not because I was jealous, but because I was scared we’d never have any of our own. I don’t get why you seem to take that personally
AMooseintheHoose − ESH. For someone who’s experienced loss, you’re incredibly judgemental over another person’s triggers. I had a stillborn well into my first pregnancy, and I was triggered by any babies (including family) for a long time.
Everyone grieves and processes differently. She’s allowed to be hurt and upset about her experiences, and she’s absolutely allowed to not want to cuddle your healthy baby while grieving the loss of a wanted pregnancy.
Horror-Football-2097 − This doesn’t sit right with me. I think YTA. Sure, maybe she’s just extra and a total attention whore that’s insufferable and self centered and worth of mockery. But I think you’re colouring the story with your own sense of superiority, and your actions actually look pretty assholeish.
You shouldn’t be judging her for being triggered by your niece. Plenty of women struggle seeing others kids when they’re struggling with infertility, even without a recent miscarriage.
You are not the authority on how women are allowed to react, and neither you or your husband should be berating her for not wanting a kiss from her niece. She is not wrong for saying no. And you should absolutely not be saying “yea well i’ve had four miscarriages” to win an argument.
This would have been a good thing to share when she’s struggling to let her know she’s not alone and that even through the miscarriages she could have a happy ending with a healthy baby. Not something you use as a trump card to show how beneath you she is for being all ‘woe is me’.
Was the Redditor wrong to share their own experience during such a sensitive moment, or was it a necessary response to a hurtful assumption? How should one navigate conversations about grief and loss in family settings? Share your thoughts and advice below!
