AITAH for telling my partner I don’t like his Christmas gift before he even gave it to me?

One person is feeling disappointed with their partner’s Christmas gift idea, which was to have their car detailed and the house cleaned. They expressed that they don’t see these as thoughtful gifts but rather as tasks that reinforce traditional gender roles.

Despite some friends supporting the gesture, the person is frustrated, believing their partner could have done more to show personal thoughtfulness. Read the full story below.

‘ AITAH for telling my partner I don’t like his Christmas gift before he even gave it to me?’

Today, my partner (male) asked me if I would like my car detailed for Christmas. “So you don’t have to do it in the cold before the baby comes”…. I told him no, I would not like that as a gift. He tried to clarify that it wouldn’t be my only gift and I said “why did you hire a one time maid service as a gift too?”. Silence.

The silence tells me yes, that’s exactly what he did. I told him I don’t see it as a gift I would like bc it’s as if he bought me a new vaccum or dishwasher. It says “hey, idk anything else about you but here’s something that’ll make the 1 thing I do value about you easier for you to keep doing”.

I told him the real gift would be if HE detailed my car for me, or HE deep cleaned the house so I could get a break, and then he spends the money on something nice for me that’s actually for *me*. Like jewelry or something for one of my hobbies, or a night out, etc.

I talked to a couple of my mom friends and they disagreed with me, saying it’s a nice thing for him to take it off my plate. I still think that… considering he’s right now as I type this watching memes on his phone, he could do it himself if he actually cared about me getting a “break”.

I got him a gift that is specific to him, something he had expressed wanting but wouldn’t normally get for himself. It’s not something that has anything to do with household tasks or chores or anything.

I listened to him all year and decided on something he will enjoy. Is it so wrong for me to want the same from him? Am I the a**hole for being disappointed in this already?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Secret_Sister_Sarah −  NTA. You’re absolutely right; getting your car detailed and getting your house cleaned is not a gift, it’s an essential. A gift is something you \*want,\* not something you \*need.\*

Your mom and other mom friends are wrong to say this is a nice gift, because it’s not. At 9 months pregnant, obviously you’re not able to do the normal SAHM stuff, so obviously it has to be done for you. Whether he chooses to do it himself or pay for it, you are still owed a real, actual gift.

Organic-Meeting734 −  Maybe you should gift him the house cleaning. He hasn’t stepped up to do it so you can take it off HIS plate. NTA

BrilliantGeologist82 −  I’d be getting him an oil change for Christmas, for the foreseeable future.

De-railled −  I am child-frree but so my vie might be biased a bit. I don’t understand why your friends thing he is “takign these things off your plate”. You are not a single parent and you are growing a baby.

When someone in the relationship is growing a bloody baby, there are things/chores that automatically get redistributed within the partnership… Which means all these chores, that you cannot do are HIS chores too.

If he wants to get a maid, or get the car cleaned up, thats something to help the household…not for you. It’s not taking things off your plate, it’s taking things off the shared plate.

socksnoslippers −  Oh f**k no. That was a gift for him, not for you.. NTA.

chez2202 −  NTA. I read some of your replies to comments here. You work full time, you take care of the children you already have and you do the cleaning while he plays on his phone? The car detailing is something he could do instead of watching memes.

A one time maid service is a gift for the whole family, including himself, not a gift for you. Hiring a cleaner to do a few hours a week every week would also be a gift for the whole family rather than just for you but it would definitely be something I would appreciate. As I would appreciate one of those little Roomba vacuum cleaners.

If I was to choose a gift just for me it would be a spa day where he takes care of the kids and you get a day off. For me it would be a 2 person spa day so that I could take my daughter. She’s almost 20 years old now but I was you in my younger years, doing the childcare, cooking, cleaning and employed full time.

Shiner5132 −  NTA- I would be so hurt. I am a SAHM and even though I don’t financially contribute my husband would never do this as my “gift”. I am so incredibly sorry OP. Honestly I would strongly consider you returning his gift and getting that cleaning service another time and using the time to go take a spa day. Just a thought

Jesses_squirrel −  NTA. He didn’t take it off your plate, he literally took it off his plate and then stole from you. Instead of him doing the work, he’s paying someone else to do it and then calling it his Xmas gift to you. He sounds great.

Willdiealonewithcats −  NTA – For his present get him a vibrator that only you will use. You understand he is busy you are just taking duties he can’t handle off his plate.

BackgroundGate3 −  NTA. Given that currently your life is all about pregnancy and the kids, drawing attention to chores that haven’t been done is a bit of a d**k move.

He should have done those things anyway, but bought you a personal gift you can really enjoy, like maybe a pamper session at a spa after the baby’s here, so he can look after the kids while you get some me time.

Do you think the partner’s gift idea was thoughtful, or does it come across as a way to avoid doing personal chores? Was the person justified in being disappointed, or is it an overreaction? Share your thoughts in the comments below!