AITAH for telling my husband that I would’ve never agreed to have his child if I knew he would go back on our agreement? ?
A Reddit user shared her story of frustration with her husband, who promised to stay home with their newborn but now wants her to consider daycare or working from home instead. As a dedicated neurologist, she’s devastated by his change of heart, especially after agreeing to keep the baby under the condition he’d be the stay-at-home parent. Her reaction sparked tension, leaving her wondering if she overreacted. Read the full story below.
‘ AITAH for telling my husband that I would’ve never agreed to have his child if I knew he would go back on our agreement? ?’
I (36F) am a neurologist and I absolutely love my patients and my job. I believe there is no greater honor in life than being able to help others.
The road to my medical degree was not easy, and it was paved with many rejections. I was a troubled teen in high school and I didn’t get accepted into any colleges my senior year.
I had to work my way up starting with remedial classes at my local community college. When I finally got into medical school at 26 I was absolutely thrilled. I met my husband (37M) in my third year of medical school, we have been married for four years now. My husband works in marketing, and I make three times his salary.
From the beginning of our relationship, I was very upfront that I was unsure about having biological children. My dream was always to adopt from foster care and my husband seemingly understood this. However, after his be friend had a baby boy last year, he began to really press me on having children.
I was initially very against this idea because I was just beginning my career, I wanted to wait a few more years before revisiting the topic of children. In August of last year I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant due to a condom breaking during s**.
I was initially considering an a**rtion, but after many heartfelt conversations with my husband, we decided to keep the baby, and he would quit his job and stay home until our daughter was old enough to start preschool. There were several factors that went into our decision to have him stay home with our daughter:
-I make significantly more money than him, so financially it just made more sense.
-I am in the first few years of my career as an attending physician. After 4 years of med school and a 4 year residency, I am just starting to practice on my own, whereas my husband has been in his career for 15 years.
-I was *very* clear i had absolutely ZERO desire to stay home and be a housewife. I respect stay at home mothers but my work is my life, and I would go crazy at home all day. This just isn’t a lifestyle I want whatsoever.
-Finally, I am not comfortable putting my child in daycare until she is old enough to express herself verbally. As a victim of a molestation when I was young, I just do not trust people enough to leave my daughter in the hands of strangers when she would be unable to report abuse/n**lect.
Our daughter is 9 weeks old today and I am preparing to return to my practice in a few weeks. This weekend, I left my husband alone with our daughter while I attended a medical conference out of state. The conference was amazing but when I returned home, my husband began acting weird.
Today when our daughter was napping, I pressed him to tell me what was wrong. He absolutely broke down and said he doesn’t think he can do this. He expressed how trapped, alone and o**rwhelmed he felt all weekend.
He now wants me to extend my maternity leave and is talking about trying to get his job back. This made me freak out, and I asked “Well what will we do with our daughter now?!” He responded by suggesting I leave my practice and work from home. I said absolutely not, and he suggested daycare.
At this point I just lost my s**t and screamed “If i knew you were going to back out of your promise to take care of our daughter, I would have NEVER had your child”. I know I completely overreacted and I would never trade our daughter for anything, I love her so much. But I am so upset with my husband and I’m not sure how to move forward at this point.
Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:
No_Crab_3814 − Can you get a nanny?
Chocolatecandybar_ − NTA but, OP, I would consider the red flags here. He wanted a child and you unexpectedly got pregnant. Now he wants to go back to work and the deal unexpectedly changed. Plus, why he felt alone and o**rwhelmed when he stayed home but seems no concerned for you to stay home and surely feel the same?
themajorfall − NTA. You didn’t overreact, he needs a wake up call. You only gave him something so enormous and major (his own biological child), because he promised not to destroy your career and trap you as a mother. Now he’s discovering that raising a child is non stop hard work, something you were aware of before you ever got pregnant.
Quite frankly, he only has two paths forward. Either he can be a stay at home dad and have all the support of a working spouse who comes home to share parenting, or you can divorce him and he can be a single father who gets child support. But he can’t trick you into having his child and then claim it’s too hard to be a father and so you have to give up your life and dreams in order to become a supporting character of his dreams.
FrontTour1583 − NTA. Don’t give up your career. But if he can’t cut it you might want to look into a nanny and include nanny cams if you’re worried about safety. This would probably get me thinking about divorce to be honest.
I_DOM_UR_PATRIARCHY − He absolutely broke down and said he doesn’t think he can do this. He expressed how trapped, alone and o**rwhelmed he felt all weekend. He now wants me to extend my maternity leave and is talking about trying to get his job back
Basically he’s freaking about the thing (a) he agreed to, (b) he promised to take care of, and (c) he pressured you into, and now he wants that thing to happen to you instead of him.
F**k him. What you said was harsh, but I don’t know many people who would have had an easy time staying calm after being confronted with that. I probably would have said something mean too. He needs to put on his big boy pants and figure out how he is going to take care of the situation he created.
Some of the feelings he’s expressing are valid – it legitimately is isolating being a SAHP – but there are ways to deal with that that don’t involve making you the SAHP he promised to be. He needs to work on addressing the isolation by addressing the isolation, not by getting out of being a parent by dumping it on you. NTA
Otherwise_Degree_729 − NTA. The condom didn’t break, he broke it. He was never ok with adopting. It surprises me that he went so far as to quit his job, honestly I was expecting him to go back on his word at nine months pregnant.
Who insist on having a child, accepts being the stay at home parent then gives up after one weekend alone? You can’t trust him, sure as hell you can’t give up your career and financial security for him. Find a nanny if you can afford it. Wait until he has a job then file for divorce. If you can’t trust your partner there’s no way to s**age a relationship.
Beneficial-Ball8375 − NTA. He is an unworthy bag of gummyworms.. I’d seriously consider divorce.. That condom really… broke?. How convenient
IMAGINARIAN_photos − I didn’t even read past the *BROKEN CONDOM* story. OP, you can’t truly believe that he didn’t poke holes in his condoms regularly until his PLAN worked. He talked you out of an a**rtion. Every single piece adds up to him baby trapping you.. He’s a dishonest POS!
Secret_Dance_7870 − It is super hard to be home with babies and little kids. We women have been doing it for a LONG time. He needs to do what stay at home moms do everyday. Find support, meet up groups, etc. Also, I know your experience was terrible, but there are good day care providers out there.
Even if he had someone come into your home for some portion of the day while he was still present. This would give him somewhat of a break, still be supervised, etc. The option for you to just stay at home isn’t in the cards. He needs to man up.
Substantial-Air3395 − Sounds like you were baby trapped and he’s regretting it. I couldn’t look at him. Can you hire a nanny?
Was her reaction justified, given the impact this change could have on their family? How should they approach finding a solution that works for both their needs? Share your thoughts below!
