AITAH For telling my husband that his affair child is not welcome in our home and if he wants custody he will have to move out?
This person faced a difficult situation when they learned that her husband had an affair, resulting in a child. Despite working through it and staying together under strict conditions, her husband now wants temporary custody of his child due to the mother’s situation.
However, she stands firm on her boundaries and is considering separation if he moves forward with custody. Here’s her side of the story.
‘ AITAH For telling my husband that his affair child is not welcome in our home and if he wants custody he will have to move out?’
My husband and I have been married for 9 years. In 2021, we found out my husband was being sued for child support. Turns out my husband had an affair shortly after we were married. It nearly ended our marriage, but we went to counseling together and I agreed to stay in the marriage with the following provisions:
My husband was to get a second job so that his child support payments did not affect our household budget and that at no point in time would I ever consider having a relationship with this child. If he wanted to pursue one with them, fine. But I have absolutely zero interest in this kid.
So my husband has been getting to know his kid over the past couple years and recently my husband came to me and informed me that there was some sort of baby mamma drama. Apparently, she has to self-surrender in May and is going to be incarcerated for 8 months.
My husband told me that he needed to take custody while his affair partner is locked up, otherwise the kid would have to go to their grandparents who basically live on the opposite coast from us. Their kid doesn’t want to have to change schools or be so far away from their friends, dad and mom (she will be doing her time fairly local to us).
So, after my husband told me that, I got up and left the house. I went to the grocery store on the corner and grabbed a copy of our area’s apartment guide went back home and handed it to him.
He asked if I were serious. I told him I still felt the same way as I did 3 years ago. He said he didn’t think that was fair considering the extenuating circumstances.
I told him I don’t care about the circumstances. His kid is not welcome in my home, if he wanted to take custody I will grant him an amicable divorce, but I am not changing my mind. I am not taking care of some other chick’s kid.’
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Major-Distance4270 − This marriage should have ended years ago.
[Reddit User] − Why are you still with him? In no way do I think it’s your responsibility to raise this child. But it *is* his responsibility. And this poor kid didn’t ask for any of it. The whole situation would be happier and healthier if y’all just split up.
BRRose209 − I think you should divorce him and move on with your life. Not your job to take care of the kid.
ms_eleventy − The child will always be there. Seems like you should cut your losses and move on from this relationship. Sad but you will probably but happier in the long-run.
purple_proze − She’s handling this the same way a man would. “Not raising a kid that isn’t mine.” Y’all cheer on men who want paternity tests for no reason too.
Newdaytoday1215 − No judgement but this is the result of you staying with him after the affair. There’s no way a child existing can’t complicate your life. Kids aren’t a side hobby. Period. The fact that the therapist allowed the fairy tale notion to exist is wild.
Divorce is the best option for everyone including your husband but especially you. But the child’s best interest needs to be prioritized also. People complain that ppl say break up to everything but they fail to realize that this kind of stuff is toxic.
shammy_dammy − NTA. You were clear. Now he’s trying to convince you to change your mind. If he wants custody during this, he can do it alone. What is the legal status on the house?
MarsupialExtreme6321 − I’m not going to call you an a**hole, as someone who’s been in a similar-ish situation (though with considerably more ambiguity and a very different outcome), but I do think that if you want nothing to do with this child, then you really should consider divorce.
A child is permanent, and if their existence and interaction with your husband makes you uncomfortable, it would be best for you and for the child to leave. You can find a man who won’t cheat on you, too. We exist.
Kazbaha − This poor kid 🙁 I hope Dad steps up and is there for them. OP, this isn’t what you wanted for your life and relationship and that’s 💯 fair. You and your husband are on different paths. This is his responsibility and I think it’s reasonable you asked him to move out and take care of his responsibilities alone. I don’t think your marriage is going to work out.
[Reddit User] − NTA I LOVE this for you! You made your boundaries clear and now he cant keep his side of the bargain. You arent telling him not to be a father, but if his AFFAIR child has to live with HIM, then he cant live with YOU.
Would you consider this response too harsh, or does she have the right to maintain her boundaries? Should she consider compromising given the circumstances, or is it fair for her to expect her husband to make a difficult choice? Let us know what you think about this complex situation below!
It all revolves around the child not wanting to spend time so far away. If mom hadn’t gotten locked up they wouldn’t have to. Dad has a choice. Marriage or kid. Simple. Not ideal but that’s the choice.
Two selfish and self centered people unable to compromise. Neither should be married. Get a divorce and stay single. You’ll both be happier.
Not complexed at all, he had an affair, affair produced child she’s NOT responsible for, and he has to take care of the child. She said what she said.
I don’t think you have ever really forgiven your husband. While he betrayed your trust, he is trying to be a responsible parent in a set of circumstances no one anticipated- the child’s mother’s incarceration. I applaud him for trying to do what he thinks is best for his child. I wish you would at least meet the child before you make your decision. Eight months will go by quickly and the experience might bring you and your husband closer, if you still want him in your life. Forgiveness is a process, and life sometimes presents you with challenges for your own growth.
It seem that she made herself clear about not having anything to do with the child, I would not have stayed in the marriage, The child is an innocent bystander, he should not be punished for what his parents did, So rather than mistreat the child or make him feel unwelcomed, I would have left when it 1st came to light. That child needs him, I don’t.
You need to divorce. It’s apparent you don’t love your husband. This “chick’s child” is also your husband’s child. You shouldn’t place blame on an innocent child for your husband’s behavior. If helping an innocent child better their life (of someone you supposedly love) is something you can’t do bc that child is not yours, it’s time to move on. I’m not going to say you’re the AH bc you’re not. Your husband never should have put you in this situation to begin with. It just sounds like you’ll never truly be able to forgive him though. Good luck!
Eehhh. I’m iffy on this one. I understand you being upset about this- I would be too- major trust was broken. However, this was 3 years ago, and you chose to stay with him. Yet, you obviously are still very hurt and have not forgiven him. Rather than leaving him, or facing this issue, you’ve chosen to take it out on an innocent child.
You can’t just live your life pretending a whole human being doesn’t exist. You should either face this, and deal with it And learn to actually forgive your husband, or let him go.
But if you stay and continue to keep your nose in the sand, you will never heal, and this will always be an issue in your relationship.
She is within her rights to keep the agreement that was made when he cheated on her.
He should live somewhere else and over 8 months she can decide if she ever wants to live with him or stay married to him.
NTA, but this marriage should have ended immediately. He was done. He showed you who he really was. And going forward, he is going to have to be an ass again by abandoning you or the child since you can never co-exist. So why don’t you save him the bother? Divorce his ass, throw him and his kid into an apartment, change the locks and keep the house.
Her love (or lack thereof) for her husband was clear when she insisted he work two jobs and be a husband and a father at two different and hostile locations. I’m happy for the child that he/she won’t be living in the same house with a woman who has such negative feelings toward an innocent kid. Did she take marriage vows that said “You will endow me with all your worldly goods and I will keep all of my worldly goods for myself? No standing by his side for better and for worse?
She should divorce or seperate for the time needed. It is not your responsibility but your husband’s. Hopefully he does the responsible thing and be there for his child.
You definitely are a AH.. you’ll choose a man who cheats on you, but outcasts an innocent child. I don’t think you even want to be with this man after what he did. That’s the reason why you put these unrealistic expectations on him. But good luck with whatever you and your husband decide to do
Yta. You chose this outcome when you chose to stay in the marriage. You as an adult should know that circumstances change. Put your big girl panties on.
Is this about raising someone else’s child or about bitterness over the affair (which would be understandable)? If this man had a child from a previous relationship before he met you, would you be ok with raising THAT child, even though it wasn’t yours? If the answer is yes, then this is all about the affair and you clearly haven’t forgiven him (again, understandable). However, this child is not responsible for any of it but will likely suffer the most for it, in part because of your position. Either truly forgive him, stop placing all this responsibility on an innocent child’s shoulders (which is NOT ok) and move on as a blended family, or divorce him. Unfortunately, you can’t have a happy marriage without taking both of those actions. Additionally, regardless of how this child came to be, it’s his responsibility as the father. Would you truly trust a man who abandoned a child to father children with YOU? The cheating was a definite character flaw. I would hope he’s improved his character enough to not compound the issue by turning his back on the resulting child. That may be at odds with your boundaries and no one would blame you for leaving in that situation. But forcing him to choose between his child and wife? IMO, there is a character issue in that as well.
Yeah. I hate that you are referring to this faultless child as a thing. I get your anger. But proving your dedication to your boundaries comes across as heartless and cruel. This is a child. His best interest HAS to be the highest consideration. Period. Walk away. I won’t go so far as to call you an “A” but I’m glad I don’t know you.