AITAH for telling my husband if he fights for custody of his kids I will divorce him?
When secrets unravel in relationships, the fallout can be seismic. In this story, a 27-year-old entrepreneur shares her shock and fury after discovering her husband’s hidden life as a father. Despite being fiercely childfree—and sterilized with no intention of having or caring for children—she was blindsided when, just five days into their marriage, her husband revealed he has two kids.
His desire to pursue 50/50 custody, which would undoubtedly upend her independent, jet-setting lifestyle, prompted her to issue an ultimatum: if he fights for custody, she’ll divorce him. The tension is palpable, as what began as a hidden secret now threatens to dismantle their union in an instant.
In the midst of this personal upheaval, she cites financial independence and a carefully structured prenup that protects her assets as reasons why she cannot and will not adapt to a family dynamic she never signed up for. Her story isn’t just about hidden children; it’s a clash of lifestyles, values, and visions of what marriage should be.
With emotions running high and a future now uncertain, she stands firm, demanding honesty and a relationship built on mutual respect—without surprises that could compromise her freedom.
‘ AITAH for telling my husband if he fights for custody of his kids I will divorce him?’
Deciding to set firm boundaries in a relationship—especially when unexpected truths come to light—can be both empowering and necessary. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman notes, “When fundamental values and life goals don’t align, it’s often healthier to address the disparity head-on rather than compromise on core principles.”
In this case, the OP’s reaction is not about rejecting parenting per se, but about preserving a lifestyle and independence she values deeply. Her exasperation stems from the realization that her husband’s decision to seek 50/50 custody would significantly alter the dynamics of their marriage.
While some might argue that shared custody could be manageable with proper planning, experts emphasize that the decision to enter parenthood—whether by birth or custody—should be mutual and founded on shared values. Dr. Gottman further explains that “a relationship built on transparency and shared expectations can navigate challenges more smoothly than one where one partner is forced to adapt to unforeseen responsibilities.”
In this instance, the OP was not prepared for the prospect of co-parenting, a responsibility that would compromise her independence and disrupt her career-focused lifestyle. Moreover, the deception involved—hiding the existence of children for an entire year—undermines the trust that is essential in any marriage. By standing firm on her decision, she is protecting her well-being and ensuring that her life remains aligned with her values.
The OP’s reaction also touches on broader societal debates about gender roles and parenting expectations. In many modern relationships, partners are increasingly expected to share responsibilities equitably.
However, when one partner enters the union with a strict commitment to a childfree lifestyle, any shift toward parental responsibilities can feel like a betrayal of personal freedom. Her ultimatum, while harsh to some, is a reflection of her need to remain true to who she is, even if that means a swift and uncomplicated divorce.
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
Many redditors sympathize with the OP, applauding her for demanding honesty and not being willing to compromise on her values. Some users point out that a marriage should be built on mutual expectations, and surprising secrets like hidden children can be a deal-breaker.
Others humorously note that if a partner isn’t upfront about something as significant as parenthood, then a quick divorce might be the best solution. The consensus is that while co-parenting can be challenging even in ideal circumstances, it’s unfair to force someone into a role they never consented to, especially when financial independence and clear agreements are already in place.
In the end, the OP’s decisive stance—threatening divorce if her husband pursues custody—is a bold reminder that honesty and alignment of core values are essential in any relationship. Her journey from deception to self-assertion highlights the importance of making choices that honor one’s lifestyle and emotional well-being.
What would you do if you discovered a major, life-altering secret in your marriage? How do you balance personal values with unexpected responsibilities? Share your thoughts and experiences below—let’s discuss the challenges of aligning individual lifestyles within a partnership.
ICaregorically NTA. would get the hell out of dodge. This level of deception and cold heartened towards his flesh and blood isn’t covered by the phrase ‘red flag’ or the a-hole tag.
This is a self involved, get what he wants by any means necessary person who is not capable of the type of love you believed you shared.
Thank God for no kids. Thank God for the prenup. You can walk away from this with minimum fallout and chalk it up to experience. I promise your heart will recover quickly and you will feel nothing but relieved you regained your freedom. The pain barrier is worth it.
Good luck OP.
Honestly you ARE the AH and you are NOT the AH, this is a tough one! So starting with yes, these are kids from a previous relationship that he’s obviously realised (a little late) that he wants to step up and be a father for (for whatever reason) and while he has lied to you the fact that you are saying “them or me” is a dick move whatever way you look at it! (AH 1 point)
HOWEVER, he DID lie to you for at least a year (Not AH 1 point), either he was still seeing them behind your back (which is how it reads since he’s been using his “fun money”) or he’s just deliberately avoided them till now to spring them on you when he feels he’s ‘secured’ you as a partner!
Beyond a shadow of a doubt he is the bigger AH here, yes the ultimatum is an AH move, but you laid out the “rules” before you got married (Not AH 2 points).
For me, this goes beyond whether your an AH or not, and more into you need to cut and run now! If he lied to you about kids (especially ones that are as old as 10!!!!) What else could he be lying about? An affair? Illegal dealings? The list goes on!
In conclusion AH 1 point, but that is null and void since you wouldn’t need to be an AH had he come clean BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED!!!
He didn’t want his kids so they would be out of a bad situation, or because he missed them, he wanted his kids so he could have more fun money. Run away from this loser.
NTA ESP SINCE U WERE HONEST.But Whos to say hed get 50/50 custody if he hasnt had contact for 3 yrs. But still a liar.
I’m curious did he not spend any time at all with his kids while he was dating ..surely he must of had them occasion weekends…how do you hide children
Why does he think he would have more money? Kids are expensive so instead of giving it to them he would have to spend it on them. He is a miserable human being if you don’t know about the kids he hasn’t been seeing them so he would make them live with strangers to save money
Doesn’t sound lke the pair of you have much of a marriage. He lied to you over an important situation so what else has he lied about? Why is he taking aninterest in the kids now? For some fun money? Get rid of him.
Get an annulment, no divorce necessary, he LIED and married you under false pretenses. Give him nothing.
Why are you even asking this question? You should be having this conversation with your divorce lawyer.
I would get the he’ll out of dodge. This level of deception and cold heartened towards his flesh and blood isn’t covered by the phrase ‘red flag.’
This is a self involved, get what he wants by any means necessary person who is not capable of the type of love you believed you shared.
Thank God for no kids. Thank God for the prenup. You can walk away from this with minimum fallout and chalk it up to experience. I promise your heart will recover quickly and you will feel nothing but relieved you regained your freedom. The pain barrier is worth it.
Good luck OP.
Kick him to the curb. He’s a liar and a no good crappy Daddy looking to unload his spawn on you to take care of. If you go along with this you’ll be doing all of the childcare and paying for them out of your money while he goes and has fun without you.