AITAH for telling my girlfriend “whatever helps you sleep at night” when she was in denial about how much weight she had gained?
A Redditor, who’s been in a relationship for five years, found himself in an argument with his girlfriend after a video call where she asked for reassurance about her headshot photos. She was upset about how she looked in the pictures, which showed the effects of weight gain.
The Redditor, not knowing how to respond, blurted out, “whatever helps you sleep at night,” to brush off her concerns. The next morning, his girlfriend was hurt and upset by his comment, leaving him confused about whether he should apologize. Read the full story below to see what others think about his response and if he should apologize.
‘ AITAH for telling my girlfriend “whatever helps you sleep at night” when she was in denial about how much weight she had gained? ‘
My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years now. She’s currently unemployed and is very stressed. I can imagine things are very hard for her. She’s turned to food for comfort and obviously has gained weight. This isn’t my concern at all, I’m still very attracted to her and it doesn’t bother me that much.
However one day she needed to get some headshots done and went to CVS. We were on a video call one day and I asked her to show those photos. Well yep, totally poker face. her face looked very puffy, she had no makeup on, her cheeks looked very round and you could clearly see the sheer impact of the weight she’s carrying on her body.
In person, I try not to pay too much attention to this fact but I could clearly see the difference from last time I saw her. Probably because I’ve been on a project myself and haven’t seen her for 2 months now. So she continues to deny that this photo looks like her because she feels like she looks too u**y, and that camera angle was off etc etc.
she kept asking me for reassurances on whether I think she actually looks like those photos. I don’t feel comfortable answer that and said to her she shouldn’t think too much and if she isn’t happy with her photos I would recommend her to get professional headshots done with her makeup all done nicely as well.
I honestly wanted to move on from her back and forth, and she kept saying how she doesn’t look like the person she was in the photo and it frustrated me after some point because she had been ranting for a solid 20 minutes now. I just blurted out “whatever helps you sleep at night”.
Maybe she needed to know she does look like the photo she literally got clicked that day. Or maybe she’ll stop talking about it altogether. Yes ideally I’ll want her to lose weight and get more confident in her appearance but I understand that couldn’t be a priority right now.
Next morning when I woke up I woke up to a barrage of texts from her telling me she was hurt over what I said, then claiming she might just be overthinking things and didn’t mean to tell me she was hurt and we should move on.
There were also a bunch of deleted texts in between, which probably indicates ( from how much I’ve known about her) are a code for her spiralling for me she gets on some nights night.
For example when she feels irrationally upset at me she will send me texts and then delete them later before I see. It can be confusing and exhausting for me so I know last night wasn’t easy on her emotionally. What do I do? Should I apologise or not?. AITAH?
Check out how the community responded:
adobeacrobatreader − I got the popcorn ready for this comment section.
DarkStar0915 − Ngl the whole question was kinda pointless because I haven’t seen anyone with decent photos for IDs and such. Maybe the trying to be serious face but even the most beautiful people looked unflattering, to say the least.
And questions like these are always bait, damned if you do, damned if you not. You two should try to have a sit down and have a heart to heart whether your goals still align.
digitalgraffiti-ca − Frankly, it sounds like she is depressed as hell. When (LOL “when” – It’s always) I’m in a depressive episode, lay around distracting myself with binging Netflix, playing video games, and eating whatever is easiest to prepare and eat, which is usually junk food.
In my mind, I’m still the person I was before it started. Yes, I see my roots growing out any myself getting more exhausted, and, as of recently, gaining a little weight. I’m not blind. But in my mind in still the same person who laid down yesterday, a week ago, a month ago, half a year ago.
Then one day I get up to go somewhere because I HAVE TO, and scrape my grown out hair off my tired face and wonder why my clothes don’t feel right. I really look at myself in the mirror and go, “who the f**k is that?”. Nah. If she’s depressed this may be what’s happening.
If you’re frustrated, that’s completely valid
throwythrowthrow316 − More than apologizing or not for the conversation, maybe you should just have a deep conversation about everything that’s going on with her? Like solve the problem and avoid all this drama. If she’s not willing to have the conversation, that’s another issue.
Appropriate-Yak-3136 − what’s the night rage thing about? like, what’s the context? need more info
yikesmysexlife − You could have just said “they didn’t use very flattering lighting”. There’s a million reasons people look worse in photos than in person. This was not an opportunity to confirm she needed to lose weight, she was looking to you to tell her she was still attractive in person.
She sounds like an anxious person and I’m sure that gets tiring. As long as she’s *your* anxious person, you’re going to have to get better at navigating that with her. You are not going to tough love her into better behavior. It will have the opposite effect.
Traditional-Fee-6840 − Most of those cvs headshots are horrible. They do look like the person but are often about the least flattering way of seeing that person. My passport picture is terrible, and I was in pretty good shape when it was taken.
In the future a good response is that you are not comfortable talking about her looks in a negative way because she is so beautiful to you and you dont want her words to change that, but try to point her to another friend she can talk to.
uberprodude − Can we talk about “her rage for me she gets at night”. Your gf needs to see a therapist for her unresolved anger issues and self image issues.
At first I felt sorry for both of you because it was a tricky situation where she wants the person she loves to comfort her but at the same time, she seems to be taking her frustration with her self image out on you plus whatever else that nightly rage is.
OP, you’re NTA but if your gf doesn’t seek help and continues to use you as her source of validation and punching bag, she certainly is. EDIT: OP has since edited the post to remove “her rage for me she gets at night”. It’s beginning to feel a bit like emotional abuse tbh
EDIT EDIT: thanks for the award kind stranger. It’s my first ☺️
Wawravstheworld − I like how you casually slid in that you had not seen her in person for 2 months half way through.
OkCan9869 − Dude. Your girlfriend is struggling with self worth. She is unemployed, stressed and doesn’t feel attractive. All she wanted from you was reassurance that you are still attracted to her. She’s not blind, she’s not r**arded, she knows she gained weight.
What she needs to know is where your head is at, how do you feel about her now. All you needed to do is tell her she’s beautiful. The better she will feel, the less she will have to rely on food to make her feel better. She needs help.
If you’re not emotionally smart enough to provide it for her then maybe talk to her about going to a therapist. You could also offer to do some sport activity together that would help pump her endorphins and help lose weight.
Do you think the Redditor was insensitive with his comment, or was he simply frustrated and trying to avoid an exhausting conversation? How would you handle a situation where a loved one is struggling with body image issues? Share your thoughts below!