AITAH for telling my girlfriend to “shut up” about her weight problem?

A Reddit user shares a heated moment in his relationship after losing patience with his girlfriend’s ongoing complaints about her weight. Despite supporting her initial efforts to lose weight, she reverted to old habits, gained more weight, and repeatedly expressed dissatisfaction with her body.

His frustrations boiled over when she lamented her appearance before a family dinner, leading him to tell her to “shut up” about her weight unless she made an effort to address it. The fallout caused her to leave and seek solace with his parents, who believe he owes her an apology. Read the full story below for the details…

‘ AITAH for telling my girlfriend to “shut up” about her weight problem?’

The article has the next update at the end.

My (32M) girlfriend Lana (32F) and I have been together for 3 years. Ever since we met she has been overweight, and over the course of our relationship has gained even more weight. Her weight has never bothered me though. She was beautiful when I first met her, and she still is beautiful today.

About 6 months ago though, Lana went for a checkup with her doctor, who expressed concern about her weight. He said that she should ideally be looking to lose around 40lbs to get back to a “healthy” weight.

At first I offered Lana to help with this weight loss, as I had lost about 70lbs a number of years back before meeting her, and knew what sort of diet and exercise worked for me. She initially declined, saying she wanted to try herself, but after a month of trying she wasn’t able to lose any weight, so she then asked if I could help her.

So I found my old fitness tracker watch so she could track exercise. I also sent her my old spreadsheet that I used to track meals so she could get an idea of her calorie intake. We started walking together each day, preparing healthy meals together, and I felt it brought us closer together. After 2 months of this, she had lost 15lbs, and I was really proud of her.

After this though, she started to get back into old habits. She started declining when I asked if she wanted to go for a walk. I noticed she stopped using the watch, and was no longer entering her meals into the spreadsheet in the evenings. Even though we still prepped meals together, she started snacking a lot between meals, saying that she felt hungry.

I asked a few times how things were going, and she said that she didn’t want to use the spreadsheet any more, because she knew what she was doing and it was my way of “controlling” what she ate. I took a bit of offence to this, as I had given her the spreadsheet on her own laptop so she could help herself, and it had been working. Also I don’t have access to her laptop, and I never asked to see it, nor did I ever put her down for what she ate.

Before long, she was back at her previous weight, then even put on an additional 10lbs. She started to complain about it constantly, and shut down any effort I made to help her, again, because I was trying to “control” her. She even commented to my friends at a dinner that I was “trying to stop her from eating ALL the things she loves”, which was not true at all. After that comment, I decided to just stop trying.

Every day the complaints kept going. There was always some old item of clothing that no longer fit her. She complained about needing to buy new clothes. She’d always point at her stomach and say “oh look how fat I’m getting”. She’d complain that she didn’t feel beautiful.

She’d say she couldn’t walk small distances because she was out of breath because she’s “too fat” to walk. She’d complain that she felt sick because she ate too much. She’d complain about not wanting to swim in public because she was embarrassed of her body. On, and on, and on she went.

Yesterday we were getting dressed to go to my parents house for dinner. She pulled out a shirt I bought her a few months prior, and said “Oh I bet this won’t fit me”. She then tried it on and said “Yeah see, I’m too fat for this now. Look how big my stomach is. People will judge me. Blah blah blah”.

I just lost it, and said to her “Will you SHUT UP about your f\*\*\*ing stomach! I don’t want to hear another word about how fat you are, until you actually try to do something about it!” She burst into tears.

Not saying anything to me, she grabbed another shirt, then ran out of the house and drove off in my car. I didn’t know where she went or when she’d be back, but i didn’t care, I was sick of hearing about it. Since we only have the one car I called my parents to let them know we wouldn’t make it to dinner. I just stayed home and ordered a pizza.

About an hour later, I got a call from my mum, saying that Lana had showed up in tears, and told her about what I said. My mum said I knew she was sensitive about her weight, and demanded that I apologize to her. I firmly said that I wouldn’t be apologizing, but if she wants to talk, she can come home and talk. My dad also called, again saying that I was a j**k and needed to apologize, but I stood my ground.

As far as i know, Lana stayed at my parents last night. She hasn’t contacted me, I haven’t attempted to contact her, and don’t intend to until she comes back home. Even now a day later, I don’t regret what I said, and don’t think I was in the wrong. Though my parents taking her side is making me second guess a little. Am I the a**hole?

Update here: https://aita.pics/vrtp

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

bookworm-1960 −  NTA. When someone refuses to take action, blame others, but constantly complain as your girlfriend is doing, she deserves harsh truth. I would bet she did not tell your parents everything that has gone on. Ask them specifically what she told them. Without the background behind your statement, it would look bad to them.

Scary-Breadfruit6107 −  Literally the craziest part of this is how she went to your parents. Like go spend the night at a girl friends house?? That would be such a deal breaker for me… NTA.

SheDevil1818 −  I’m a nuclear kind of person but I would leave the f**k out of this little manipulator. The fact that she is making you seem controlling for trying to help with smth she wanted needed and asked for help with aside. Just the stunt she pulled with your parents would be MORE than enough for me to leave forever.

If you have kids one day, I can just imagine her running to your folks over any disagreement to push her own agenda. I’m not one of those people who has a knee-j**k reaction to tell someone to leave, but she is a walking red flag.. Edited to say – OBVIOUSLY NTA.

ASomthnSomthn −  You’ve become her s**pegoat, and she’s intentionally ruining your relationship with your family. D**p her lying ass, and then call the cops for her stealing your car.

teresajs −  NTA. Lana’s image problems are her problem to deal with, or not.  You’re not wrong for being tired of hearing her complain about her weight/size when she isn’t doing anything to positively affect that. You might look into couple’s counseling.  You need a counselor who can help you explain that you don’t care about Lana’s size but that her whining is unattractive.

Ultimately, if Lana can’t accept herself or commit to making the changes she claims to want, it’s likely that her attitude will be what drives you away, not her size.

Impossible_Lab_7319 −  It’s a huge red flag that she ran to your parents and spun the truth. That’s a deal breaker for me.

Possible_Block_4057 −  She has an eating disorder, and neither of you know how to handle it. Doesn’t make you an AH. It just makes you in over your head. Think of it this way: if you were doing something that was hurting you, making you miserable, destroying your peace of mind, having an obvious negative impact on your life but you just couldn’t stop…in any other setting we call that addiction excpt when it comes to food.

She needs quality therapy with someone that specializes in eating disorders. She needs to work on coping mechanisms for her emotions and trauma other than turning to food. She needs to learn how to deal with head hunger and food noise. And then, once she is working on all that, then you, her, and her therapist need to figure out how she needs to be supported. She will battle it for life. She can have a handle on it for years, and then something can happen like a significant d**th or even just having less vigilance and sliding into bad habits, and she can relapse.

It’s really not much different from having a partner who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. Except she still has to partake in her d**g of choice every day for the rest of her life in order to survive. Whether you are down for that ride, that’s something only you can decide. It won’t be easy for her or you. Best of luck!

SpareMushrooms −  Your parents don’t have to listen to her complain endlessly about weight she refuses to lose. It’s not like you shame her and constantly put her down over her weight. You lost your cool and blew up because you couldn’t stand to hear her pathetic “woe is me” attitude. I don’t think you need to apologize, but you probably will. That’s how these things go.

dan1987te −  Yeah this relationship is over. Not only she is not trying but is actively manipulating your parents. Explain this s**t to your parents and break up.

Different_Ad8727 −  NTA – I went through a similar issue with my ex-wife, so i feel where your coming from. I know we never get the whole story on these posts, but she sounds like she needs to work on herself quite a bit, my knee j**k thought is that she’s probably battling some serious depression, it seems to fit with what you’ve described about her behavior.