AITAH for telling my girlfriend that I can’t guarantee that we stay together if we don’t have kids?

A 23-year-old man has been with his girlfriend for six years, and during a conversation about future plans, they discovered a significant difference: he dreams of having kids, while she’s increasingly certain she doesn’t want them, citing health concerns and lack of interest in parenting.

When she asked if he’d stay with her if kids weren’t an option, he admitted he couldn’t guarantee that, as having children is deeply important to him. She became upset, calling it unfair to prioritize a hypothetical child over their relationship. Now, there’s tension between them, and he wonders if he was wrong to be honest. read the original story below…

‘ AITAH for telling my girlfriend that I can’t guarantee that we stay together if we don’t have kids? ‘

I (23M) have been with my girlfriend (23F) for 6 years, and yesterday we had a conversation about having kids in the future. I’ve always wanted kids, but she said she probably wouldn’t want them.

In the past she’s been saying that she might have kids, but she doesn’t think about it too much, but yesterday she told me that she’s been saying that just because she knows it’s important to me, but she’s not sure, and she doesn’t think it will change.

She said that I know very little about the pregnancy and about the stuff that happens to women during pregnancy and labor and I don’t care about her health if I want her to go through this. After that she told me some stories of people who died during pregnancy, etc.

The conversation took a turn when she asked if I’d stay with her if I had to give up on having kids. We also discussed adoption, but she doesn’t feel strongly about raising a child, biological or not. I told her I’d definitely want to stay with her, but I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t want kids in the future.

I said I couldn’t predict how I’d feel in 5-10 years, as having kids is something I’ve always dreamed of. She got upset and said she couldn’t understand how I could choose an “imaginary” child over her.

Now, the atmosphere between us is tense, and I feel bad about being so upfront, but at the same time, I feel like I wouldn’t have been honest if I said something else. AITAH for being honest about not wanting to give up on having kids, even if it means the relationship might not work out?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

facinationstreet −  The 2 of you are fundamentally incompatible. One or the other of you is going to end up not getting what they want on this topic and will resent the heck out of the other person until it leads to divorce. It is 100% valid to break up with someone who does not want the same things out of life that you do. Particularly on the topic of kids.

JanetInSpain −  The kids/no kids question is a 100% dealbreaker. You want kids. She doesn’t. That’s the end of it right there. You two are incompatible. Best to break up now so you can both find compatible partners. There’s NO middle ground or compromise on this one. There’s no “working it out”.

Sure_Freedom3 −  You are incompatible and you should break up.

GreatGollyGertie −  So, you’re young and just learning this now. Unless you’re excitedly on the same page after two years, just move on. Know your own limits and stick to them instead of waiting around for people to change their minds.

This isn’t you choosing an imaginary child over her, this is you chasing the life you want over the one she can offer. She’s not wrong that pregnancy is terrifying, she’s not wrong to know if she doesn’t want to be a mother – it’s wrong for her to make that choice for your future.

Ok-master7370 −  My guy leave this isn’t your forever anything

SunEffective2189 −  You’re not the bad guy in this situation, and I believe the best thing for both of you is to end this relationship. It’s clear that you have different views on something as fundamental as having children, and that’s okay.

If your girlfriend doesn’t want children, that’s valid, just as it’s valid for you to want to have a family. This isn’t about choosing an “imaginary child” over her. The reality is that she’s asking you to give up your dream of becoming a father, and that’s a significant sacrifice.

From this perspective, it could be seen as selfish or even hypocritical, because while she’s asking you to let go of something so important, she’s not willing to reconsider her own stance. In this situation, there are only two options: either you give up your desire to have children, or she reconsiders her position.

However, both of you have been honest about your feelings, and continuing this relationship will likely lead to resentment, frustration, and eventually the sense that you wasted time on something that wasn’t meant to work.

It’s better to acknowledge these differences now and allow each other to pursue lives that align with your own goals and values. As hard as it may be, making this decision now will be healthier for both of you in the long run.

Wandering_Scholar6 −  Honestly, if you aren’t on the same page regarding kids, you shouldn’t be together. It’s not about choosing her or an imagined child. It’s about having a different life plan, you can’t compromise on some things, and that’s ok.

ThrowRA93210 −  Thank you everyone for your responses. Just for clarification, I don’t want to call her a l**r. She was upfront about the fact that she doesn’t know if she wants kids or not. She said she’s too young for that and maybe it could happen when we’re 30.

But yesterday the conversation was different and she told me that she probably doesn’t want kids. I’m really thinking what I should do in this situation… I don’t want to give up on this girl, because she’s been the best person I’ve ever met in my life.

She’s the closest person to me and I’m so deeply in love with her, but at the same time the idea that I couldn’t fulfill my dream to become a dad kills me from inside and I couldn’t answer her question that I’d give up on this dream. So both ideas of leaving her and not becoming a dad make me feel sick…

NovaVeile −  Been there, and it sucks. But trust me, differing views on kids is a dealbreaker.

Educational_Gas_92 −  Two options: First option: you stay together with an open mind and see how you feel in a couple of years, when you want to actually have a family. She could change her mind on having kids (when I was 23, I couldn’t cared less, at 29 I have frozen my eggs to give myself more time to one day become a mom, as people sometimes do change their wants and needs).

Second option: you decide you aren’t compatible, break up and after a time of healing start dating other people, with the intent of finding a compatible partner.

Balancing personal dreams and love can be challenging, especially when they conflict. Is he wrong for being transparent about his priorities, or is she justified in feeling hurt by his response? Can love alone sustain a relationship when core life goals differ? Share your thoughts below!