AITAH for telling my daughter I know what’s best for my granddaughter??

A Reddit user shares her experience raising her granddaughter, Emma, for the past 16 years while her daughter, Sarah, struggled with motherhood. After years of being the primary caretaker, Sarah announced at a family dinner that she was taking Emma back to live with her full-time, which led to a confrontation.

The Redditor expressed her belief that this was not in Emma’s best interest, leading to a heated argument with Sarah. Despite her daughter’s anger and accusations of undermining her parenting, the Reddit user feels justified in her actions, believing she knows what is best for Emma. Read the full story below.

‘ AITAH for telling my daughter I know what’s best for my granddaughter? ?’

I (55 F) have been raising my daughter Sarah’s (34 F) child for the past 16 years. Emma (16 F) is an amazing young woman who has made me incredibly proud. For some background info. Sarah got pregnant at the beginning of her freshman year of college at age 18.

She decided to keep the baby. She was still living at home so of course I helped here. My daughter wasn’t really a present mother.
She (despite my urging her to take time off) went back to school a week after giving birth and went back to work a week after that.

She pumped so I could bottle and formula feed Emma immediately after birth. Sarah wouldn’t get up in the night to take care of Emma because she needed her sleep so I did all the night feedings and changings.

Emma was left home with me while Sarah went to school and work and attended everything I needed to attend. Sarah would come home and care for Emma for an hour or two then go to bed.

When Emma was 2 Sarah and her boyfriend got a small apartment closer to campus and I assumed that my time raising Emma was over. Sarah was putting Emma in daycare for about 3 weeks before she asked to just leave Emma with me during the weekdays and take her on the weekends.

So until Emma was 6 she spent Monday through Thursday with me and spent the weekends with Sarah and her dad (who was in and out of the picture). When Emma was 6 Sarah moved back into my house and took a slightly more present role but it was obvious she didn’t know what she was doing.

She didn’t care to follow the routine Emma and I had set years before and couldn’t understand why Emma was struggling. She knew very little about Emma’s likes and dislikes, and didn’t have much knowledge about raising children to begin with.

Within a few months she stopped making nearly as much of an effort and I took back over as the main caretaker of Emma. When Emma was 8 Sarah moved back out with a new boyfriend, this time leaving Emma with me entirely and only coming to get her on the weekends.

She took a job that worked weekends and nights and for 5 years Emma lived with me full time. Only spending nights with her mom in the form of sleepovers and an occasional weekend.

When Emma was 13 my daughter got a job with a 9 to 5 schedule and started picking her up after sports and activities to spend the evening and having Emma come over on weekends.

A year ago my daughter moved into a house that is in the neighborhood of a very prestigious private school for girls. Emma is now 16 and has gone to the same school since kindergarten and has just started her junior year.

Last week during a family dinner at my house my daughter announced to the family (myself, Emma, Sarah, my 3 sons, my DILS, my other grandkids) that she was so grateful for the help I’ve given her with Emma but since she was doing so good it was time to take her back.

Emma would be going to live with her full time, she’d be enrolling her in the private school, and it was all possible thanks to me.
I asked if I could speak to her privately and she said no. So at the table I told her that that wasn’t a good idea and that it wasn’t going to be good for Emma.

She loved her whole life with me, taking her away would be damaging. Sarah said that I had no right to tell her what’s best for Emma since she’s her mother. I told her that being a mother doesn’t mean she raised her daughter and that I know what’s best for Emma.

Sarah left in a huff and told me she’d come back to discuss the details but then called me later yelling at me for undermining her parenting saying I had no right to say that and that I was stepping on her toes. After my daughter left my sons told me that while I was in the right I should’ve been more sensitive to Sarah.

I really don’t think she deserved any more sensitivity. Sarah chose a career over raising her daughter. Nobody pushed her to keep a baby and nobody pushed her to pursue her career. And even when school and work permitted, she continued to put very little effort into Emma.

My daughter never actually tried to bond with Emma as a parent should, she never took an interest in her life beyond her allergies and soccer schedule.

They don’t talk despite Emma spending years trying to connect with her. She cant answer any basic questions about Emma and treats her like a small child rather than the young adult she is.

I did all of the child rearing. I raised her as my own baby. She grew up in my home just like my own children did years before her. She’s had constant stability with me and it’s unfair for her mother to come in 16 years too late and decide she knows best.

Decide to remove her from the home she’s lived in since birth, away from the school and friends she’s had since kindergarten, remove her from the person who raised her. My daughter is extremely mad at me and is accusing me of turning her daughter against her because Emma refuses to go with her. AITAH?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

goddessofspite −  NTA. Let’s call a spade a spade here. Your daughter was a deadbeat parent. Was she paying you all those years to raise her kid. My guess is no. She just dumped and ran when she didn’t want to play mommy and now she’s b**t hurt that her daughter doesn’t want to play house with her. Well that’s on her.

Efficient_Ad2249 −  You’re NTA but Emma should have a say. At 16 she definitely can say who she wants to live with and what school she wants to go to.

I feel like a 16 year old would probably want to stay at the school she’s gone to for a long time and stay with the woman who has raised her but I could also see her wanting to develop a relationship with her mom.

I hope you and your daughter can sit down with Emma and let her come to this decision of where she wants to go and when! Also, thank you for being there for Emma. Not everyone would step up and raise their grandchild but it’s amazing that you did. I’m sure she has turned into an amazing young lady!

kam49ers4ever −  NTA, but your daughter is. She doesn’t get to sweep in now that Emma is almost an adult and suddenly decide to be a mom. It’s also unlikely that a court would grant her custody.

Stormiealways −  Sarah may be Emma’s birth mother, but YOU ARE HER MOM! Sarah left in a huff and told me she’d come back to discuss the details but then called me later yelling at me for undermining her parenting.

What parenting. She hasn’t done any parenting. I hate to say this, but it’s probably time you talked to a family law lawyer. Take her to court if need be, but do NOT hand Emma over, especially as Emma doesn’t want to go.

Garden_gnome1609 −  You’re daughter is delusional. Absolutely batshit. Frankly, I’d investiate emancipation. If Emma is emancipated, she can live where she likes.

Fun-Dependent-2695 −  Time to get a lawyer and make your guardianship legal

Available_Win8650 −  You’re definitely not the a**hole here. You’ve been Emma’s main caregiver for most of her life, and it’s understandable that you want to protect her stability and happiness.

Your daughter’s decision to step in now, after being mostly absent, is pretty abrupt, especially since Emma clearly doesn’t want that change.

It’s tough because family dynamics can be messy, but you’re just looking out for what’s best for your granddaughter. Keeping Emma in her familiar environment seems like the right call, especially since she doesn’t have that connection with Sarah.

Jazzlike-Bird-3192 −  In many places, a 16 year old is considered old enough to decide which “parent” they want to live with. Emma seems to have made her choice. Speak to an attorney about Emma’s rights. Perhaps the best thing is for her to be declared an emancipated minor.. Edited to add: NTA

FarJello4694 −  Your edits provided the clarity I needed…NTA. Having a 16 year old myself, they are very opinionated on what they desire and it’s better to know that she has voiced her concerns to both you and her personal therapist.

I would suggest that Emma set up a meeting with her personal or family therapist and Sarah to allow Emma to articulate that she would like to stay where she is and why. She’s old enough now that she should have a voice in this conversation.

If Sarah insists on legal rights then I would speak to a lawyer about if it possible to 1) transfer guardianship to you (probably not but don’t know what your state laws are), or 2) for Emma to petition the court for emancipation.

Full disclosure, I have zero experience with either of these so someone more knowledgeable than myself may come along and have better legal advice, but this is what I’d look into if I was shooting blind. If Emma was 8yo I could see where Sarah was coming from.

However since she is the age that we start touring colleges with our kids, then it seems completely unnecessary and counterproductive to uproot her in the middle of a critical social developmental stage of her life.

Troytegan −  She was a deadbeat mom she doesn’t get to come back and suddenly act like mother of the year. Nta

Do you think the grandmother was justified in standing her ground for her granddaughter’s well-being, or should she have approached the situation differently? How would you navigate a similar family conflict? Share your thoughts below!