AITAH for telling my brother not to make himself a sandwich while my girlfriend cleans the kitchen?

A 36-year-old man (M) tells his brother (34M) not to make a sandwich while his girlfriend (35F) is cleaning the kitchen. The brother, who hasn’t offered to help with chores during his two-week stay, complains about the request, but the girlfriend agrees to let him make the sandwich after her mother intervenes.

The man feels it’s normal to avoid getting in the way during cleaning, especially in someone else’s home, but now wonders if they were too strict. read the original story below…

‘ AITAH for telling my brother not to make himself a sandwich while my girlfriend cleans the kitchen? ‘

My girlfriend (35F) and I (36M) are hosting my brother (34M) for two weeks, because he has a training in our city. It’s the first time we’ve hosted him for this long (usually he comes visit for just a weekend), and for such a long stay, differences in eating habits, cleanliness, helpfulness with chores, etc. are starting to clash (politely, but still).

My girlfriend and I spend a few hours on Saturdays cleaning our apartment and cooking for the next few days. I was hopping my brother would at least propose to help but he hasn’t, he went for a walk when we started, came back later and stayed on his laptop, then took a nape.

At 4pm he was hungry (he had snaked on a hot dog in town during his walk instead of coming back to eat with us for lunch), so he asked me if he can make himself a sandwich. I said “sure but if \[my girlfriend\] is cleaning the kitchen, you should wait, or eat a banana or an apple”. 

know that my girlfriend doesn’t want anyone in the way when she’s cleaning a room. She is using that time to call her family. Besides, I was already a bit annoyed that my brother hadn’t proposed to help, so to go as far as sitting in the kitchen eating a sandwich while she is cleaning, I found this rude.

He doesn’t want a banana and would like bread and ham. I said “ask \[girlfriend\] if you can, but don’t be surprised if she says no”. He went in the kitchen to ask. She was cleaning and calling her mom.

The kitchen table was full of stuff (blender, soap, etc.) that she had just put aside, she would have needed to move them to make space for him, or let him use the counter, which she was cleaning. She pointed him to the fruit basket and, just like I did, told him he can have a fruit. He didn’t take anything.

He came back to me and complained that we are “extreme” for not letting him have a sandwich, that he has never seen that anywhere, and that anyone would find it abnormal. I had no response. To me it sounded absolutely normal that if you are invited in someone’s home, especially for such a long stay,

you don’t get in their way when they are busy cleaning. But my girlfriend’s mother had overheard on the phone when he had come into the kitchen, and told my girlfriend “come on, let him have his sandwich, the poor thing will starve”, so she came out and told him he could have it. Now I’m not sure whether we are the AH for telling him no in the first place?

See what others had to share with OP:

Glass_Key4626 −  I don’t know about other people, but I personally would ALWAYS offer to clean and/or cook if someone was hosting me for free for 2 weeks. It’s just basic politeness.

Also, the man is 34 and whines that he has to wait for half an hour to make a sandwich, and throws a tantrum that he doesn’t want fruit?? NTA and does he still live with mom?

HoldFastO2 −  ESH, except for your GF. Yes, your brother is apparently an entitled git when it comes to visiting family. But how exactly is this a surprise to you, when your mom says he does the same at her place? How do you not open your mouth and clearly state your expectations, rather than expect without cause that things would be different this time?

And then to put the cherry on top, you send him into the kitchen to your GF to burden her with saying no to him, again, rather than you taking up this apparently very necessary discussion with him. C’mon dude. Step up here.

InfamousCup7097 −  Typically, you treat guests. Yes, he is your brother, and he is old enough to wait on a sandwich, but usually, people keep to their own routine. Asking him to clean up after himself is one thing, but to help deep clean your place when he is only staying a few weeks is strange.

Getting mad after not asking him to help and not communicating is your problem. It sounds like he just has different things he sees as respectful since you didn’t lay out the rules. He could think that staying out of the way while you and your wife are busy is being respectful.

He asked about food, and you told him to ask your wife. He did. You both are being nit-picky over nothing. You and your wife are the AHs here.

ExpensivePanda66 −  YTA, let the hungry guest have a sandwich. On the topic of him not offering to help, it can be hard sometimes for somebody to know where and how and when they should help. Especially when you have such a big and specific routine that you seem to want to follow so closely.

On the one hand you’re saying “stay out of our way when we’re cleaning”, but then you’re complaining he doesn’t offer to help. Try to be a bit more clear of the expectations you have of guests.

Wandering_aimlessly9 −  I’m going to rock the boat. Even if my sibling were staying for 2 weeks…I’m not going to deny them 2 minutes to access a kitchen while I’m cleaning it. It doesn’t take an hour or even much space to make a sandwich. YTA. He’s not cooking a meal.

Decent-Historian-207 −  YTA. It’s a sandwich. It would take less than five minutes. Also why are you bitter over him eating a hot dog on his walk and not coming home for lunch? This is all overly dramatic . I am surprised if he is there for training that the company didn’t pay for a hotel. He should consider that instead.

Divi1221 −  What’s with the passive aggressiveness. If you want him to help then tell him to help. You are both adults, just communicate like adults

forte6320 −  YTA you guys sounds pretty rigid in your cleaning routine. I can see why brother is reluctant to jump into the fray. Making a sandwich takes 3 minutes. GF could pause her cleaning for 3 minutes to allow a guest to get some food.

Yes, having a house guest means compromise on your regular routine. Being a good host requires some flexibility. He’s there for only a week, not months.

Speletons −  YTA Despite others suggestions, if I was hosting someone for only 2 weeks, I wouldn’t expect them to do any cleaning (besides their own stuff) for me, and even if I did, I would COMMUNICATE and ask them. So just already an ass for that.

But now add on he’s staying with you for just 2 weeks and you won’t let him make a sandwich? 2 weeks isn’t a long time, I feel like you could politely alter your expectations since your brother is visiting for a short time. Just a completely impolite way to treat a guest.

My_sloth_life −  YTA – Who deep cleans their house when they have guests? It’s really rude. If this is a regular clean then surely your house isn’t going to be that dirty and a quick sweep around the house is fine for a weekend or two.

If you are taking all day, every week, you must be at cleaning the floor with a f**king toothbrush level. He’s visiting, go spend time with him! Join him on his walk, take him to see some sights, make the most of your time with him. Home deep cleaning is not a quality shared activity.

If I have guests then there is no way I would expect them to do any housework. If they want to cook (my brother loves cooking for example) then fair enough but I wouldn’t expect that. They are your guests, you make sure they have a great time.

Was it unreasonable to ask the brother to wait until the kitchen was cleaned? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!