AITAH for telling husband to do DNA test for his son before adopting him?

A Reddit user asked if she’s in the wrong for requesting a DNA test before her husband adopts a child he believes is his biological son. The child was conceived during her husband’s past polyamorous relationship but was legally assigned to another man.

Now, with the child in foster care, her husband wishes to adopt him, but she insists on confirming paternity first. This stance has caused friction with her husband, his friends, and the child’s biological mother. Read the full story below to weigh in on this moral dilemma.

‘ AITAH for telling husband to do dna test for his son before adopting him?’

When I met my husband he had recently exited from a poly relationship. I can say he had not kept anything hidden from me, including that he got one woman in the group pregnant. He didn’t want to do anything with that lifestyle anymore.

When the baby was born, we were expecting them to contact him to be legal father. I was fine with that but they didn’t. Instead another guy became the dad. This hurt my husband a little but he moved on.

Few months ago those two lost his custody and he was put in foster care. They asked my husband to adopt him because they couldn’t raise him right. My husband asked me if I would he okay with that and I told him to get a test and I will let him only if he is his son.

This did not sit well with them or lots of his friends but most importantly with husband because he considered all this time to be his son. Am I the a**hole for not allowed him to adopt unless he takes a test?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Samantha12Sue −  NTA. if everyone was being poly this is the only way to guarantee this is actually his child. You’d think he would want the guarantee.

Fragrant-Reserve4832 −  I think you are making a fair point. Also once its proven to be his child he doesn’t need to adopt, he can actually clame the kid as his through biology.

Narrow_Maximum7 −  He always considered him his son yet hasn’t been in contact and allowed situations to get so bad that the kid ended up in care.

Double_Jeweler7569 −  I think your husband wants to take care of the boy regardless of who his biological father is.

Ordinary_Mortgage870 −  So why does he consider himself the father when he willingly let another man raise his potential child? A DNA test is required at the minimum. Why should youu be forced to raise a child that’s not his and hasn’t been around for 8 years? NTA.

Sensitive-Ad-5406 −  Poor kid getting raised in this mess.

plantprinses −  NTA. There is always a chance that this is not is child. The DNA-test is not only to make sure it’s his child, but it also ensures that this child will not be raised by the wrong father because if your husband isn’t the father and he does adopt the child, he deprives another father of his child. Would he want that? Also, a DNA-test will ensure that there are no problems later on. Suppose that the child is not his and he is being lied to.

The child is six and then, for one reason or another, mother decides to drop the bomb and tell your husband it’s not his child. Can you imagine the fall-out of that? On the child, your husband and your marriage? The DNA-test is not a sign of doubt but a means to ensure the stability of the child and the family it will grow up in.

Glass-Intention-3979 −  Look,your husbands past was messy and has continued being messy. By, parents losing custody of child? Right, I get what your saying but, your husband was in this lifestyle. He has chosen to believe he is the father – that’s absolutely fine. You don’t have to share dna to be a family.

But, a big part your husband and you aren’t seeing. Is the effect on this child longterm. Right now, I’m sure this child is devastated for multiple reasons. Yes, you both could adopt and give him a great, stable healthy childhood. But, your both failing to actually think about the child longterm,what happens when the child is older and Finds out he was adopted? That this whole poly mess and no one bothered to figure out who his bio father is?

What about him needing medical history? Like, how doss he explain it could be this man’s history or this man? What about if the current parents come back into his life? Does your husband give up legal rights? Is it visitation? What if the child rejects adopted dad and seeks reunification with his parents?

Poly lifestyle obviously can work out for people. But, in your husband case is seems absolutely none of them had any sense to legal, emotional physical issues. Your husband believes he was the father but, never sought paternity? So, he actually didn’t want to. Now this whole mess is again proving your husband had no care for anyone but himself. He’s thinking adoption is perfectly reasonable but with no clear knowledge of the effects on the child’s wellbeing.

writing_mm_romance −  At this point the test should be done to establish paternity anyway, if the child is actually your husband then an adoption isn’t necessary. The cost savings alone from the legal steps needed for adoption would warrant the rest. However if he’s scared to find out this child isn’t his, then you have bigger fish to fry.

Still_Construction37 −  Info : did your husband have any custody or participate in raising this 8 year old? If he’s never even had custody/ unofficial visitation – NTA & there’s no way he’s viewed himself as the father because he’s never done anything for him! If he’s been treating this child like his own the whole time, than YTA because the father and son already have a relationship regardless of DNA. I think adoption could still happen without DNA but the test is still very important for the kids health & identity.