AITAH for telling a 4yo child that I’m not her boyfriend?

A Reddit user (32M), a gay man, recounts a humorous yet awkward encounter with a 4-year-old girl during a game night at her mother’s house. The child, excited by his presence, declared him her “boyfriend” after a friend of her mother jokingly suggested it. Instead of playing along, the user gently told the child he couldn’t be her boyfriend because he already has one at home.

The little girl became distraught, running to her room in tears and causing an uncomfortable scene. The child’s mother apologized, but her friend criticized the user, saying he should have gone along with the joke. Now, the user wonders if they were wrong for not indulging the child’s fantasy. Read the full story below…

‘ AITAH for telling a 4yo child that I’m not her boyfriend?’

I’m a gay man who is best friends with a few parents. Being 32, obviously I’d have friends with children. I made friends with this woman (we’ll call her Helga – 26f) who had a 4yo child who just started learning about what boundaries are and (at the same time) what a boyfriend is. I went to hang out at her place because she was inviting a LOT of people over for a game night. Her 4yo daughter wanted to stay up and hang out with the adults.

She’s an only child so obviously she’s going to be excited when new people come around. She – unfortunately – took a strange liking to me. Any time I’d start talking to someone, she’d interrupt me with “OP can I ask you something?” or “OP, can you help me with something? Pwease?!” I’d put on my best uncle voice and say “Yes, honey.” She would ask me to either get her something to drink or she would ask me questions that 4yo children would ask.

She would also try to sit next to me or in front of me so I would pay attention to her. She would hand me a stuffed animal and tell me to hold it. She would also grab my hand and show me her favorite toys and ask me to play, even though I’d tell her that I’m here to hang out with her mom… but a friend of Helga’s made a joke to her daughter: “Is OP your boyfriend, honey?” The daughter grabs my arm and says “Yes! He’s my boyfriend!”

I stood there in silence staring at Helga’s friend. Helga looked at her and said “Great! Now she thinks OP is going to be her boyfriend in real life.” Helga looks at me and mouths “I’m sorry”. I don’t play along – however – I pull my arm out from the daughter’s grip and say “I’m sorry, honey but I can’t be your boyfriend because my boyfriend is at home. He doesn’t share.”

Helga’s daughter gets sad, not only because I move my arm, but because I told her I am not her boyfriend. Her face sunk down and she put her head down. She ran to her room and started screaming bloody m**der and wailed so loud, you thought I stole her toy.

The room was awkwardly silent, but all you could hear was the poor girl crying so loud. Helga ran to console her child but the friend scolded me because I “should’ve played along”, but I think it’s unfair to lie to a child. Am I the a**hole for breaking a 4yo’s heart?.

Update #1:
Hi, so I know this is a quick update but a lot can happen in a group chat in the morning! Helga made a group chat with all of us days before game night called “game night buddies”. That friend (we’ll call her Harris) who made the “boyfriend” comment got kicked out of the group after Helga and the other 3 told her what she did was wrong.

Helga called her out. She told her it was not okay to say that – especially since I’m a gay man and Helga is VERY supportive of the LGBTQIA+ community. Helga private messaged me saying she hates when gays are labeled as “pedophiles” and “groomers” and Harris’ comment was pretty much a set up to make me the bad guy. Helga also told me that she had to have a talk with her daughter after all of us left.

In the group, Harris was trying to defend herself by saying “It’s just a joke. The kid doesn’t know any better.” Helga said “When an impressionable child doesn’t know the difference between a friend and a boyfriend, you don’t make comments like that.” Harris then made the comment that I needed to “have lessons in parenting” and said that what I said was “inappropriate because my s*xuality is harmful to hear for children” then she scolded Helga for inviting me in the first place.

The other 3 defended me and Helga, but one of them said I could’ve been a little nicer about it, which I agree – I shouldn’t have said “he doesn’t share” and just said something along the lines that would tell the kid that she should only think of me as a friend. Helga and the other 3 called Harris a homophobe, then asked for my input. I unfortunately was asleep when all of this was happening so I couldn’t make a comment.

Harris made two comments before she removed herself from the group:
1. ⁠“Y’all need Jesus. Jesus doesn’t like gay people. Gay people shouldn’t be around kids in the first place. Kids need protections from perverts.”
2. ⁠“If I make a joke like that, it’s because the joke is funny! Y’all can never take a joke!”

So needless to say, Harris is not allowed to be around the group ever. Helga did ask me to come over with my boyfriend to have a chat with her daughter about lessons in boundaries. I told my boyfriend about what happened and he literally wanted to have a talk with Harris more than Helga or the child. My boyfriend agreed to come talk with Helga, though. But yes, we’re getting things taken care of, and as the saying goes “Trash always takes itself out”.

Update #2: I’d like to do a little bit of housekeeping before the final update.

1) For those of you saying I’m the a**hole, I think it’s creepy that you think I should’ve played along. I’ve showed Helga the post and she agrees, it’s very creepy. Helga has read this post and she thinks that what I did was valid. Although, yes, she agrees with some of you I should’ve let her down in a different way, she still says that what I did was valid. She said her daughter should learn honesty and that honesty is the best policy.

Helga’s daughter learned what a boyfriend was because Helga has a boyfriend who loves her daughter like she’s his own. The daughter’s father died from cancer a couple of years ago. The boyfriend came into their lives about a year and a half ago..

2) The real update: My boyfriend (we’ll call him Jesse) and I went to Helga to talk to her daughter. Immediately when I opened the door, Helga’s daughter came running up to me and gave me a hug. She said “I’m sorry for calling you my boyfriend, uncle OP.” I did get down to her level and said “Hey honey, let’s go talk in the living room with Mama and Uncle Jesse, okay?” She nodded and ran into the living room and sat next to Helga.

The conversation went like this, Helga explained to her that some people have boundaries and that there are things you don’t say out loud without approval. She told her that there is power in labels and she said it was more appropriate to refer to me and Jesse as Uncles. The daughter then asked if we could play a game with her. Jesse stepped up and played Tea Party in the living room while me and Helga talked about Harris and how awful she was.

Harris made a vague passive aggressive post that said “some of y’all should be aware of who your friends are! They never know what they’ll support.” The whole time we were laughing about how stupid and h**ophobic Harris was being. Finally we decided to have another game night, but she said her daughter will be spending a full weekend with her Granny and Pa-Paw. Jesse is actually coming as well. There’s the updates, much love to you!

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Accomplished_Stop655 −  You did the right thing. I think it’s weird to do boyfriend/girlfriend play with kids. She needs to be told no for things, doesn’t sound like she’s used to it.. It’s healthy to have boundaries.. definitely NTA.

lydocia −  It would be insanely creepy if you had called yourself her boyfriend or her your girlfriend, and it is insanely creepy that Helga’s friend even suggested that. It’s normal for kids to have crushes, though! Take it asa compliment, the kid feels safe with you. Personally, I would’ve gone with, “no, your boyfriend should be your age just like my boyfriend is my age”. Moving it away from “I’m not interested because I’m taken” and towards a healthy life lesson.

adventurouschicken23 −  NTA. You set healthy boundaries kindly, and the joke was inappropriate. It’s unfair to expect you to play along.

DireStraits16 −  NTA. The a**hole was the person who asked a 4 yo if you were going to be her boyfriend.. That’s creepy. Also the 4yo sounds very needy and used to getting her own way. Not getting what she wanted will be a valuable lesson for her and something she should have learned already.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. IF u had agreed..people would’ve labelled u c**ep..man can’t win in this situation.

ReflectiveRitz −  NTA Helgas friend is an AH …I hate when people say stupid S**t like that to kids. I also hate when people don’t intervene when their kids are all over guests and they do nothing. A tip that will maybe help this situation in particular is to say to the kid when you arrive the next time. “ ok I can play with you/you can show me your toys etc, have my attention, draw a picture for the next 10/15 mins and then I’ll be concentrating on /talking with adults “ giving a clear boundary and sticking to it works well with kids this age.

And hopefully she won’t be in your face for the night and Helga will back you up. I don’t mind playing with other people’s kids and showing interest in what they are showing me but I’m not there to see the kids I’m there for wine and chats and adult company and I’ve also managed to get away from my own kids for the night. And I work with kids. If it’s officially a game night maybe you could play snap with cards with her for a while. I dunno! I’m just trying to come up with a solution if you want one.

Janisseho −  NTA. We are never too young or too old to learn limits. To learn that we don’t always get what we want. That little girl must learn like yesterday that she will not always get the toy/job/person her heart desires. Besides, that reaction was a little unhinged.

melniklosunny −  If OP agreed, and that kid went to daycare and blabber I have a boyfriend and he is at this age, people will labelled OP as a groomer or PDF. Thank God OP didn’t but OP could say “but I thought I am your uncle? Uncle cannot be boyfriend but can be best friends. Let’s be besties for now.”

Fluid_Dragonfruit_98 −  NTA NTA NTA. I LOATHE this thing of boyfriends/girlfriends being used on children. Loathe and despise. What the f**k is up with it? Why do they have to have friendships romanticised and s*xualised?. They’re kids.. Kids have FRIENDS. You behaved – in my opinion as a parent of young adults – gracefully and wisely. And damn intelligently. Poor frigging kiddo. She’s being set up to see boys as romantic partners – not her equals. Again – this makes me spitting mad.

squirlysquirel −  NTA. The person who asked that question is an absolute ah though. It took a really cute friendship and s*xualised it! I hate it when people do that shot. Instead of the little kid having a lovely positive night with a safe and wonderful male role model, they tarnished the whole damn thing. You are nta, push back on anyone who says you are. Tell them you were having a great time being a friend/uncle and are really sad that X ruined it by making it weird.