AITAH for “taking everything” in my divorce?

A Reddit user shared their experience navigating a difficult divorce with their ex-husband after 12 years of marriage and two kids. Despite their efforts to be fair, including waiving alimony and accommodating his custody requests, their ex is accusing them of being greedy after the court ordered child support based on custody arrangements. The user feels they’ve made reasonable concessions, but their ex sees them as “taking everything.” Read the full story below…

‘ AITAH for “taking everything” in my divorce?’

I’ll try to keep the background mercifully brief. Just got divorced after 12 years. We have 2 kids, 13(M) and 10(F). I initiated the divorce, and he is still not happy with it and tried to pressure me into staying for the kids even though I had been doing that for years even though it was destroying me mentally. He has a lot of issues in life and a lot of resentment for me, and that informed the way he treated me every day.

I didn’t want to “tear my family apart” but I was a shell of myself who spent a year unable to get out of bed from depression before I finally pulled the trigger on my marriage and turned my entire life around this summer. As such, I proceeded with the divorce I asked for in July, and it was finalized yesterday.

We didn’t have much by way of property. A house that was bought 3 years ago which I bought solely on my credit but later added him to the deed as double insurance that my kids would retain access to the house I purchased for them to grow up in & always have their space. We also had a car, this time purchased in his name, but I paid the down payment, and it was considered my car because he has a work vehicle.

Because I have the children Sunday evening through Friday evening, I asked to keep possession of the house for the sake of stability and routine. My ex works out of town Mon-Thurs or Friday mostly, so they are primarily with me all week, and I’m the one who gets them on and off the bus.

My ex agreed to both of these things in his response petition, but later balked at paying for half of the property taxes, insurance, or at other upkeep even though he expected 50% of the proceeds of a future sale regardless before deciding he wants off the deed entirely so he has no responsibility for it, which I am fine with and have already looked into a quit claim deed.

I have been a stay at home mom for 11 years. Technically, I was legally entitled to both alimony and child support but I told him I would waive both since until recently, we made more or less the same, and I wanted my kids to have an equal standard of living at both places. I didn’t want to make him struggle because then they suffer. I’ve been there as the kid. Now I make slightly less.

Let me preface all of this by saying, **he did not show up to court**. Though he accused me for weeks of having gotten a lawyer behind his back, that he knew I was up to something, etc but really, I had no n**arious plans no matter how many people kept telling me to take him for everything he’s worth. We filed our petition and response at the same time, got our documents notarized together, I was fine with all of it. Yet still he did not show because he didn’t want to be there.

In my county/state, all divorces with minor children require you to put your income and custody percentage into a formula and it automatically calculates the amount and then it’s up to the judge’s discretion as to what they think is fair. It’s not optional. Based on their formula, I have the kids 72% of the time.

The judge ordered a substantial but not insurmountable amount of CS, and my ex has flipped his s**t. He’s accusing me of lying about it being up to the judge, saying I lied about my income, (I didn’t), that I went behind his back and requested it, and that I’m not a person of my word because I don’t have a problem with the judge ordering it and intend to collect it.

The way I see it, the kids are with me almost 3/4 of the time. All of my bills but my mortgage and car payment (I am paying the car off, not him) are going to be much higher because of how much more time the kids are with me and while he sees this as a just punishment for me leaving, the reality is that I agree with the family court system. I’m handling more than 50% of the costs of raising them.

Regarding custody: he has 50/50 decision making, 50/50 split of all holidays and birthdays as well as his own birthday & Father’s Day. He gets them every single weekend because that is the only time he is guaranteed to be in town and didn’t want to just see them every other week, so I accommodated this request.

The judge asked me if it was okay to start the CS on December 1st but I said with the holidays and the short notice that I was fine waiting for January 1st and also said he could pay me directly instead of making him go through the bureau and I am still more than willing to give him a share of the eventually sale equal to the amount of time he spent living here and paying his share of the mortgage relative to how much longer I live here and yet he is still calling me vile and telling me what a villain I am when in my view, I’ve been more than fair. The things I’m “getting” in the divorce, I still have to pay for 100% by myself.

The amount will not break him, and he has multiple monthly bonus options that will alone cover it. Like I said, I forewent alimony because I don’t need it, but I think the CS is valid. Nothing else the judge ordered was outside of the paperwork we filed jointly back in August.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Resident_Warthog4711 −  You sound like an extremely generous and level-headed person. NTA. Him not believing that there are very specific laws regarding child support doesn’t mean there aren’t. Let him be delusional, as long as he pays. 

lapsteelguitar −  OP, sounds to me like you did your best to avoid a contentious divorce. And now your ex is doing his best to make things contentious. Speaking as a child of divorce, one of these days, his kids will bite him in the ass for this.

I also understand, though your ex does not, that you do not set the $$ for CS, but that the court does via a formula set out in the law. Document his behavior, and give it all to your lawyer. At some point your ex will cross a line, and you will want all the ammo you can get.. NTA.
Edit: Have your lawyer tell your ex that if does not get with the program, you will change your mind and go for alimony. Or he can get his head out of his ass, realize how good he has it, and STFU.

Rude_Parsnip306 −  You are going to have to go back to court to make sure he pays whatever has been ordered through the system. You will end up having to chase him for payment if you don’t. And no, you’re NTA. He is not dealing with the reality of how the courts work. Oh well.

LTK622 −  If he thinks that’s “taking everything” then his warped and twisted reality needed a divorce.

BriefHorror −  NTA I would definitely have him pay the bureau though because if he skips payments they would deal with it a lot faster than if he stopped paying you and you had to alert them. Also this keeps it nice and clean so he can’t create more problems.

ColoradoWeasel −  Just wait until he figures out that he works 5 days a week and then 2 days raising kids. All 7 days are always accounted for. No downtime. While you work and raise kids the same 5 days and get 2 days of downtime every week. He will be bitching about how unfair this is. But the only solution is for him to give you back a weekend spending less time with kids (crappy dad) and upping his CS because you get more time under the formula. This will be a drama show. Get your popcorn.

Fredredphooey −  NTA. He’s just throwing mud because he’s losing his punching bag. He loves control and you’re not under his anymore.  You know that you’re right and you’ve gone above and beyond for him. He’s never going to be graceful or agree with you because it’s not in him.  Ignore his ranting and use one of those co-parenting apps to manage your communication so you can reduce your time dealing with him.  Seriously, Ignore his big baby tantrums. 

Few-Pineapple-5632 −  Do NOT allow him to pay you directly, make him go through the court system. That way you absolutely have a record of what he is and isn’t paying.

GrimShadow249321 −  It appears like someone is receiving a crash education in the real workings of the divorce process. We are all here for you and your children, so do not worry! And who knows, perhaps one day your ex will appreciate you for providing him with more time to work on his anger management problems.

fairytalefay −  You’re not the a**hole for advocating for your kids’ well-being and ensuring your financial stability, especially since you’re the primary caregiver and made reasonable compromises; his anger seems to stem more from his resentment over the divorce than any fairness in the arrangement.