AITAH for still not forgiving my stepmother for what she did to my family?

The OP’s parents divorced when they were 12, and their father quickly introduced his new partner, Emily, just two months later. It later came to light that the father had been cheating on their mother with Emily, and Emily knowingly pursued the relationship despite the family’s existence. Emily also pushed the father to deny the mother a fair divorce settlement.

Ten years later, the father and Emily are married, but the OP has been harboring resentment toward Emily (and, to a lesser degree, the father) for her role in the family’s breakdown. The OP wonders if their inability to forgive Emily is unreasonable.

‘ AITAH for still not forgiving my stepmother for what she did to my family?’

My parents split up 10 years ago when I was 12. It was traumatic and my father just packed up his stuff and walked out. Pretty soon after, he introduced me to his new partner, *Emily. It was pretty soon after it all happened, about 2 months, which seemed rather suspicious to me at the time, especially as my mother had thought something weird was going on.

For about a year before the split, my father had been coming home late every night, like 1-2 in the morning. This led to massive arguments and sure enough my mother discovered later on that my father was cheating on her with *Emily, wining and dining her and staying out late at work (they were colleagues) and had lied to me and my mother about it.

Emily also knew that my father had a family, and was still determined to get with him. To make matters worse, she was pushing my father to leave my mother nothing in the divorce settlement.

Anyway, 10 years on and my father and Emily are now married and still together. They think everything is fine, but I have silently been stewing for a decade now, still not able to move past what she did. My father is definitely not blame free either, I still don’t look at him the same way. Is this unreasonable to feel this way?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

FitzDesign −  NTA but do yourself and your mental health a favour and just cut them out of your life.

LocksmithOne204 −  NTA, I didn’t even read it yet. But I do not have a relationship with my stepmother of 29 years because she’s an a**hole, and I cut her off three years ago. The final straw was her calling me shitfaced trashing my father and telling me intimate details about his personal life. I can’t forgive her for that. I will be around her but, I turn into cardboard when she tries to talk to me and she knows I dislike her immensely.

Expert-Bus9720 −  You are NTA but Why do you associate your self with your cheating father and his mistress turned wife? What is the point in you playing nice while you feel another way?

Kragg_hack −  No, but it might be better to actually work on the problem with a professional than letting it grow like cancer inside you. And as for who you should dislike most, the blame is almost all on your dad. Your stepmother was not married to your mom. Your father was. So most of the blame should pretty much fall on him, not your Stepmom. So take it out in your father first, and her second.

DelightfulWahine −  Your father and Emily didn’t just have an affair – they systematically destroyed your family and then expected you to play happy blended family like nothing happened. The audacity of these people! Your father was sneaking around for a YEAR, lying to his wife and 12-year-old child, while Emily was actively pushing him to financially s**ew over your mother in the divorce.

That’s not just cheating – that’s calculated emotional terrorism. And now they think everything’s “fine” after ten years? Please. They don’t get to decide when you heal from their betrayal. They shattered your trust, destroyed your sense of family security, and forced you to deal with adult trauma when you were just a kid. That kind of pain doesn’t just evaporate because they got their happily ever after.

The fact that they introduced you to Emily TWO MONTHS after your dad walked out shows how little they cared about your emotional wellbeing. They were more concerned with legitimizing their affair than helping you process the destruction of your family. And Emily actively trying to leave your mother with nothing? That shows you exactly who she is – someone who was fine with potentially putting a child’s mother into poverty.

Here’s the thing: You’re not “stewing” – you’re carrying unresolved trauma from watching two adults selfishly blow up your childhood and then expect you to pretend it never happened. Your feelings aren’t unreasonable; they’re a normal response to being treated like your emotional well-being didn’t matter. Don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking you need to “get over it.”

l3ex_G −  Nta personally when people do s**tty things, I will always see them as s**tty people, sure they can change but has she done anything to take ownership or to make amends? You don’t have to forgive people if you don’t want to. One day it will happened to her and hopefully that gives her some empathy for the family she had a hand in breaking up. Same to your dad. He put you through something very traumatic for his own selfish wants.

eratoesben −  NTA – Emily may have been the AP but it was your father that made the conscious decision to betray his marital vows and destroy your family. Emily is awful frankly but ultimately the blame lies with your father. Heal yourself and the control you allow this to have over you because you deserve better than to let the evil actions of two other people affect your future and wellbeing.

Far-Artichoke5849 −  I wouldn’t have been silently stewing, I’d have been vocal the whole time about it.

Dont-Blame-Me333 −  NTA you have a sh1t dad with a sh1t-for-brains partner – a match made in hell. Why are you even in contact with him? I can understand tolerating him while he coughs up child support, but if that dried up or never happened – there is no reason to have anything to do with your sperm donor.

HazelOchterlonie −  NTA. just cut them both off your life.