‘ AITAH for starting the divorce process after finding out my daughter isn’t mine?’
Infidelity and questions about paternity are among the most emotionally devastating discoveries a person can face in a marriage. In this story, our OP, a 33‑year‑old man, recounts the shattering moment when his wife revealed that their 3‑year‑old daughter isn’t biologically his. After seven years of marriage—and having raised the daughter as his own—OP was blindsided by the truth.
The revelation came after subtle changes in his wife’s behavior during and after her pregnancy, and ultimately, she confessed that she had been unfaithful. Feeling betrayed and overwhelmed with grief, OP immediately left, sought solace in a hotel, and started the divorce process.
Although some family members are urging him to forgive her for the sake of their daughter, his closest friends support his decision to move on. Now, OP is left torn between the love he once had for his wife and the betrayal that has forever altered their relationship. But is he the asshole for choosing divorce after discovering that his daughter isn’t his biologically?
‘ AITAH for starting the divorce process after finding out my daughter isn’t mine?’
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist known for her work on betrayal trauma, notes, “Infidelity, especially one that leads to questioning paternity, is a profound betrayal. It can fundamentally change a person’s perception of the relationship and their sense of self.
In cases where trust is completely shattered, continuing the marriage can be emotionally unsustainable. The decision to divorce under such circumstances is not inherently selfish—it’s a form of self-protection and a way to prevent further emotional harm.” (kidshealth.org)
Family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson adds, “When one partner discovers that they are not the biological parent of a child they have been raising, it creates a complicated mix of grief, betrayal, and identity crisis. It’s entirely reasonable for the affected partner to reassess the future of the relationship. Although co-parenting is possible, the foundation of trust must be intact, and in this case, it appears irreparably damaged.
Both partners need to decide if forgiveness and rebuilding are possible, or if separation is the healthier path.” Both experts agree that while it’s a painful decision, OP’s choice to start the divorce process is justified if he feels he cannot trust or emotionally invest in a relationship that has been so deeply violated.
See what others had to share with OP:
Many redditors empathize with OP, emphasizing that if trust is completely broken, it’s not only acceptable but often necessary to move on. “No amount of love can fix a relationship if you’re living with a lie,” one commenter stated.
Ultimately, OP’s decision to start the divorce process after learning that his daughter isn’t biologically his appears to stem from a deep sense of betrayal and a loss of trust that he cannot rebuild. While he has raised the child with love, the discovery has altered the foundation of their relationship irreparably.
Do you believe that the emotional toll of such a betrayal justifies ending the marriage, or should one attempt to rebuild trust for the sake of the child and long-term stability? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation?